


Take Me Home

by Junker



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: M/M, Trans Dadsona (Dream Daddy)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-03-25 09:50:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 60,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13831653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junker/pseuds/Junker
Summary: Danny Ubenki sleeps with Robert Small when he first meets him. Despite Mary's warning that Robert won't be interested in him after putting out, he tries to figure out if it's worth cobbling together some sort of relationship with Robert while trying to keep his mess of a life together. This fic serves as an exploration of an alternate romance route for Robert.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I wrote this last year during a pretty rough period, so a lot of it is kind of a vent piece about a lot of different shit somehow fashioned into something narrative. I'll be updating it as I edit it to smooth out all the rough edges. I skip over and paraphrase a bunch of the shit that happens in the game because I'm not re-writing out a bunch of video game dialogue, but the in-game dates are more or less interpreted as cementing friendships. 
> 
> HEADS UP: The trans dadsona refers to his genitals using pussy and clit! This may trigger dysphoria for some trans men. If you want a version of the fic without sex scenes (or a version where the dad is cis instead), don't hesitate to hmu on my social media and I'll do my best.
> 
> The fic's named after the Tom Waits song, but I'll also be updating each chapter with a Waits song to go along with it. So Chapter 1 is [I Hope I Don't Fall in Love with You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtLVXBqfqBY). The titular song will be popping up much later.

He watched Mary swirl the wine in a slow circle around the glass as she refused to divulge any secrets to him. He’d already told her he wouldn’t put out, but if he had another beer, he would have seriously considered it. He loved the way her long fingers encircled the glass, the way her smile shifted from villainous to hiding something that hurt inside. He watched her openly. The Game hardly seemed to matter with her beside him.

She seemed divided, enjoying the attention, but leery of what he wanted from her if it wasn’t sex. And she wasn’t giving up any gossip for him.

She clicked her tongue against her teeth and said, “If I had known you’d buy me a drink just to stare, I’m not sure I would have taken it.”

He laughed, and she seemed a bit startled. “I think if my life went a bit differently, I’d be like you.”

Her upper lip raised in disgust. “You’re judging me?”

“No,” he tried to backpedal. “I mean - we’d be friends.”

“And we can’t now?”

Typical Danny. Could never get his foot out of his mouth, but she seemed more amused than frustrated now. He said, “No, we can.”

She slipped off the stool and rubbed his shoulders. She said into his ear, “Well I’m looking for more than friends, sailor, but maybe next time when there aren’t any eligible young things for me we can have a drink.”

Before he could say anything further, she was gone, carrying the glass of wine the other way. He wished he could have at least watched her drink it, and then realized how creepy that sounded. God, he was glad he hadn’t said it aloud. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a glass of wine.

Danny Ubenki now sat alone at the bar. His beer was at the dredges, and his tired brown eyes drifting from his glass to the TV. His hair was styled high into an afro-puff. With all his and Amanda’s packing, Danny hadn’t had the energy to get his hair cut in months. He didn’t want to make small talk with a hair dresser and accidentally talk about how hard it was leaving the house that he raised Amanda in with Alex. So Amanda had shown him a tutorial to keep his hair out of his face and look stylish.

He watched the screen intently and hoped he’d forget that he wasn’t sleeping in his and Alex’s bedroom anymore. He was almost relieved Amanda had kicked him out of the house. He wondered how long it would take for the new house to not feel so strange. He wondered if he’d be able to sleep there.

“Go Team.”

He turned to see the brooding guy from the coffee shop a few stools down from him. It was almost unbearable - talking to Mat and thinking “This is my future husband” only to see this guy who was his type to a T lock eyes with him over Mat’s shoulder. He could have died on the spot. He wasn’t sure how he felt about meeting this guy now. His type usually fucked him up, and this guy didn’t look like an exception. 

He made some small talk about the game, only to find they disagreed on the superior team. The small talk abruptly stopped as they watched the remainder in silence. He gave the man a nod once the game ended, and the man slid him a glass of whiskey. It was a brand he’d drunk a lot in college, though he hadn’t had much whiskey recently. This guy looked like he lived in a bottle.

“The name’s Robert.”

“Thanks. I’m Danny.”

“You must be new here. Mary already hit on you?”

They made some small talk about her and the bar. It was polite enough. Danny tried to hide how nervous he was. He rolled the whiskey in the glass and wondered if he could get away without taking a drink - but Christ, he wanted to share one with this guy. When Robert mentioned shots, Danny couldn’t hold back.

He told himself to concentrate on friendship. Put aside all loneliness and lust and concentrate on friendliness. He watched Robert down his shot with ease and he took his own. Christ, it burned. He thought about Amanda at home and made a mental note to pace himself. Robert looked at him. Did he stay silent? No, he had to win over his affections. “Your face is good.”

Robert hesitated before he said, “Thanks?”

God, he ended up flirting. Could he ever fucking just turn it off? He looked back to check out what Mary was doing. He liked her. She seemed cut-throat and ruthless and sad and he desperately wanted to be friends with her. He found another shot in front of him. He took it and looked back to Robert.

He wanted to fuck him.

He looked like he hadn’t showered in a few days and found his old-ass jacket inside a garbage can with the rest of his clothes. It was Danny’s type, and Danny’s type was known to fuck him thoroughly and get some money off of him and then leave him. He wondered why he was wired like this and missed his husband desperately. He wouldn’t be dumpster diving if he still had him.

Robert asked, “What are you doing here tonight?”

Danny wanted to talk about his daughter - wanted to tell him how much he loved her and how he missed when she was twelve and they’d end up painting his nails at a sleepover instead of kicking him out of the house. That’d scare him away for sure.

Still, the same old garbage came out of his mouth: “Running away from my problems.”

“I like your style.”

Of course he did. Danny practically laid himself out on a platter for him. He looked at the whiskey. Robert said, “Be right back, gotta powder my nose.”

That made Danny smile. At least he had a sense of humour. The bartender commented on how chatty Robert was with him. Danny wondered if he was actually cool or if Robert and the bartender were in cahoots and Robert used this line all the time to make his target feel special. He felt Mary’s hands back on his shoulders. He knew those nails anywhere.

“If you fuck him now, that’s all he’s going to want,” Mary said.

Danny downed his whiskey. “Would he want anything else anyway?” Danny asked. He turned to look at her. She seemed surprised at his response, but his head was too foggy to think much of it. Three beers. A glass of whiskey. A shot. He remembered when that was the beginning of his night rather than the end of it. Danny said, “This isn’t my first rodeo.”

“We should drink together and swap tales.”

“Run out of guys already?” Danny asked. “Or are you trying to squeeze yourself into a threeway? Because I could get on board with that.”

Mary grinned. “Oh, you I like.”

“If he’s going to ask me back, I can say I won’t go without you.”

Mary leaned on the bar and watched him with a smile. She didn’t say anything further, but she tilted her head and watched him. He supposed this is what it was like for her when he stared at her. He took another drink, trying to make his discomfort to look like confidence.

When Robert came back, he gave her a nod. “Mary.”

“Robert.”

It was strange. There was an odd tension in the air, as if they both had a joke but were waiting for the other to say it. Fuck, he was the joke. Were they siblings? They didn’t look it. Husband and wife unicorn hunting, maybe? “Are you unicorn hunters?” he asked.

They laughed. “No,” Mary said. “We’re not married.”

“Mary, you blew your chance to make up some bullshit,” Robert said. “Come on.”

“I just wanted to clear the air,” Mary said. “He already had some bullshit in his head about what was going on.”

“Yeah?” Robert asked.

Danny shrugged. He was embarrassed and hunched over slightly. “I guess so.”

He was surprised that Robert picked up on it. He looked at Mary, and she pulled her hand off of him. Robert said, “I’m gonna go home. You heading my way?”

Mary stayed behind at the bar while Danny and Robert left together. Danny, more nervous than comfortable, hated that they were walking in the same direction. “I live in this cul-de-sac down the way,” Robert said.

Of course he fucking did. “Me too. We just finished unpacking today.”

“Great place to be. Good neighbours. Well, some of them.”

“Who’s some - or not some?”

“I don’t kiss and tell.”

Well fuck, now Danny really wanted to know. Who else slept with this asshole?

Robert said, “So are we doing this, or what?”

“What?”

“You know. Do you want to come inside or not?”

He thought about what Mary said. If he went inside, he’d limit his relationship with this man to only one interaction. He heard the Jeopardy theme playing in his head as he tried to figure out what to do. Was Mary fucking with him? He wouldn’t put it past her to cock block Robert for fun, and why would she bother to warn him, out of all people?

Did he just straight-up ask him? Can this just be a fuck and we can start over later?

Was he so desperate and thirsty that he’d take the risk of ruining his friendship with Robert for a quick lay?

He watched Robert’s intense eyes.

Yes. Yes, he would.

Danny said, “Yeah.”

He would have even said please if Robert had asked. Robert fumbled with his keys while Danny absently looked at his house. He should be at home with Amanda. Fuck, he shouldn’t be here. God, he always pulled this shit. After Alex died, whenever Amanda was gone for a couple nights, he’d find an asshole like Robert to fuck and wait for them to leave him. It was nice knowing they’d never hang around.

But this was a neighbour.

“Oh shit, wait,” Danny said. He looked around for a minute. They were outside of Robert’s house – the street was empty. But he was a big guy – he could take care of himself if Robert was an asshole. He said, “I’m trans. If that changes things, just let me know.”

“It doesn’t,” Robert said.

Robert’s face didn’t change at all. Danny thought he probably had known, but Robert said nothing further. It was a relief. Usually he got a string of questions, sometimes an asshole pointed out that they noticed because he wasn’t packing. But Robert didn’t even change his posture.

“When were you last tested?” Danny asked.

Robert said, “Christ,” and looked aside. “Last time I fucked. I’m clean.”

“Same,” Danny said. “So if I didn’t ruin the mood-“

Robert pulled him inside and pushed him back against the door as he closed it. Robert’s brown eyes burrowed into Danny’s for a moment, and Danny touched Robert’s hips to draw him closer. Danny worried Robert was second guessing his decision, but Robert asked, “Is there anything you’re uncomfortable with?”

“Whales.”

“What?”

“They’re too big.”

“I mean sexually.”

Danny was surprised. “No. Well yes, but – let’s be vanilla to start. I’m fine with oral and vaginal. Let’s just like, kiss a lot and see where it goes.”

“Okay, sure.”

Robert pushed him back against the door, and he slid his hands down the back of Danny’s pants to squeeze his ass as he kissed him again. Danny breathed him in, biting Robert’s lower lip when he dared to pull away. Robert kissed him harder and spread Danny’s legs with his own. Running his hands up the back of Robert’s shirt, Danny pulled him close.

Danny tried to calm himself down. He hated that he liked him already. He may look like an asshole, but he was polite in the bedroom. Was Mary right? Was Amanda okay? Danny drew away from the kiss, and he rested his forehead against Robert’s chin to try to think. He found Robert’s lips on his forehead, a gentle, patient kiss.

Danny thought of Craig. He was so fucking put together and here was Danny, ready and eager to fuck the first person on the block who’d have him. Craig, fit and properly manicured, and Danny - overweight, unshaved, and wearing his hair long because he just couldn’t be fucking bothered to get it cut.

He didn’t think he even deserved a fuck from Robert. He was clearly a mess too, but here he was, patiently waiting as Danny freaked out internally. Danny leaned into him. He wanted to ask Robert if he’d hate him after, but he couldn’t find the words.

Robert asked, “Do you want to stop?”

Plain. Clear. Robert didn’t want to push it. Fuck.

“No.”

“Good.”

Robert led Danny through his dark house and into his bedroom. Danny concentrated on the feeling of his calloused hand. Robert didn’t bother turning on the lights. He pushed Danny back on the bed and took off his jacket. Danny just watched Robert’s intense eyes in the darkness. Robert spread Danny’s legs and positioned himself between them as Robert leaned over to kiss him again. He pulled Danny’s hips against him, and Danny traced his hands up the back of Robert’s shirt as he kissed him back harder. Robert’s cock was hard against him as Robert ground their bodies together. 

Robert released him to lift Danny’s shirt over his head, and Danny did the same for Robert. Robert leaned back down and kissed down Danny’s neck before lightly sucking the skin where his neck and shoulder met. Danny squirmed against him with heat in his cheeks. Robert brushed his lips against Danny’s and said, “I want to taste you.”

A throb went through him as he stared into Robert’s eyes. Christ, Robert would already find him soaked. “Okay.”

“Is it okay if I undress you? I don’t want to get tangled in your pants.”

“Sure, but turn around when you do it so I can give you a handy at the same time.”

“What? No,” Robert said, almost laughing. “I want to undress you.”

Danny huffed. He wasn’t entirely into the idea of being completely naked when Robert had only taken off his shirt, but he said, “All right.”

Robert tilted his head and unbuttoned his jeans. He drew out the head of his cock so it sat just above the waistband of his boxers. “Is that better?” Robert asked.

“Much,” Danny said, surprised that Robert read him so well.

Robert pulled off Danny’s jeans and boxer-briefs. “Lean back,” Robert said, “and relax.”

Danny leaned back as Robert kissed down his chest. His hands traced up Danny’s thighs and he kissed Danny’s pelvis before kissing his inner thigh as well. His stubble teased Danny’s thighs. Robert kept his hands on Danny’s hips as he dipped his tongue into Danny’s pussy. Danny sharply took in air as Robert’s tongue curled inside of him. Robert pulled him against his mouth as his tongue flicked through his folds. Danny bit his lower lip, and Robert lifted him up as he kneeled upright on the bed. With Danny’s legs draped over Robert’s shoulders, Robert kept a firm grip on his thighs as his tongue curled deeper inside of him.

Danny’s back arched. He relished in the sensation of Robert’s tongue thoroughly exploring him, but he tried very hard to keep his breaths steady. When Robert licked Danny’s clit, Danny finally let out a sharp moan. He could feel Robert’s grin as he licked and sucked Dany’s clit. Danny dug his heels into Robert’s back as he groaned loudly. “I’m - I’m real close,” Danny gasped. “If you want to fuck me-”

But Robert continued with new vigour. His tongue explored his pussy once more with broad, full licks, before swirling around his clit again. Danny gripped the bed sheets as he groaned. Robert flicked his tongue against his clit before sucking it again, and Danny shuddered with a sharp yell as he came. Robert ate him out to completion as Danny continued to moan with heat in his cheeks.

When he was finally spent, Robert set him back down on the bed. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and Danny pulled him up to kiss him again. “Wait,” Robert said, “let me clean up.”

“I don’t mind,” Danny said.

Robert kissed Danny’s neck before hopping off the bed. A light flicked on and Danny noticed it came from an ensuite bathroom. Trying to catch his breath, Danny turned to look into the room. Robert washed his face with a washcloth before starting to brush his teeth. His erection had faded. He thought he saw a scar on Robert’s chest, but couldn’t quite see it. “Do you want me to suck you off?” Danny asked.

“No, I’m good.”

Danny watched him for a moment. “Wait, did you just want to make me come?”

Robert shrugged.

“I want to get you off,” Danny said. “You’re hot and I want to feel you jizz.”

“Demanding.”

Robert grinned at him from the bathroom. Danny said, “Is that okay? We can fuck if that’s what you’re more comfortable with.”

Robert watched himself in the mirror and didn’t immediately reply. Danny sat up and frowned. “I can stop pushing for it,” Danny said. “Sorry.”

Robert shook his head and offered a crooked grin. “No, there’s nothing to be sorry for. I’m flattered.”

Robert flicked off the light, and it took Danny’s eyes a few minutes to adjust as Robert undressed the rest of himself. Robert said, “I’ll take that handy, but I want you to kiss me a lot.”

Robert climbed into bed as Danny said, “Can do.”

Robert’s arms wrapped around Danny as he kissed Robert again. It was strange to taste spearmint on him instead of whiskey. Robert flipped them over so Danny straddled his leg. Robert handed Danny a little container of lubricant. Danny tried to make a show of dramatically squeezing lubricant onto his palm from a distance, but a good gob of it landed on Robert’s chest. Robert laughed, and Danny sheepishly wiped it up with his hand.

Danny leaned down to kiss Robert as he lightly touched Robert’s barely-hard cock. Tracing his fingers along the underside of Robert’s shaft, he bit Robert’s lower lip. He encircled Robert’s thick shaft with his hand. Robert watched him carefully and traced his hand down Danny’s back. When Danny started jerking him off, Robert squeezed his ass and rubbed his leg against Danny’s pussy. Danny loved the way Robert’s eyes burrowed into him.

Danny kissed him deeper while feeling Robert’s shaft thicken in his quick grip. Robert gripped the back of Danny’s head to kiss him harder. He kept a firm hold on Danny’s ass to keep him pinned against his leg. Danny jerked him off as he slowly circled his thumb around the slick head of Robert’s shaft. Robert broke the kiss to breathe out, and Danny started to kiss down Robert’s neck as he jerked him off faster. Robert kept his breaths steady and moved his hips against Danny’s rhythm. Danny wished he’d groaned, but Robert’s tight grip on his ass suggested he was doing something right.

Danny kissed where Robert’s neck and shoulder met as he slowed down his pace again. His other hand carefully felt Robert’s testicles, and Robert sharply exhaled before pulling Danny’s head back up to kiss him again. Danny jerked him off faster as Robert kissed him harder, and Danny continued working his testicles as Robert fucked his grip. Robert start to spill onto Danny’s finger tips, and Danny used both hands to jerk Robert off. Robert broke the kiss to pant against his mouth, and as Robert’s leg rubbed against Danny’s pussy, Danny worried he’d get too turned on again. He loved seeing Robert like this – struggling to keep control.

Robert came with a soft exhale, and as Danny finished off the hand job, Robert’s load flecked Danny’s hands and both their stomachs. Robert rolled them both onto their sides and pulled Danny closer by his hip. Danny smiled softly, and Robert pecked his lips again. He nuzzled Danny before pressing his forehead against him. Danny tried to keep his sticky hands off of Robert and watched his eyes in the darkness. If he hadn’t been so distracted by his hands, it would have been a really nice moment.

Robert exhaled and said, “Do you want to clean up?”

“That okay?”

“Yeah.”

Danny slid out of bed and went into the bathroom. He closed the door with his foot, washed his hands, and sat on the toilet to pee. While sitting he contemplated his current situation. Did he go home? Did he stay? He liked the idea of curling up with Robert. He wasn’t sure how to categorize him either. He hadn’t expected Robert to be more interested in giving than receiving, and he wasn’t entirely sure what Robert had even wanted from this exchange. Did he like watching someone else lose control? Was he scared of showing that side of him to someone else?

He freshened up before he came out of the bathroom. He thought about leaving again. Robert was looking at his phone. He watched the way the phone illuminated his face, and he noticed he was looking at a twitter feed that was just photos of dogs. God, Danny could relate. He softened and mustered up any courage he had inside of him to ask, “Can I stay?”

Robert looked surprised - either at the question or that he was even still there. Robert nodded and pulled back the sheets. He set his phone down as Danny climbed into bed next to him. “I’m going to be honest with you, Robert-”

“You’re here for a cuddle.”

“We’re in cuddle country now.”

Robert laughed. “Big spoon or little?”

“Big.”

Robert rolled over, and Danny wrapped his arms around him. He rested his head on top of Robert’s and draped one of his legs over him. Robert pressed back into Danny’s touch. Danny felt better. Tired as hell, but better. He drifted off into sleep, but he woke up when Robert repositioned himself. He expected Robert to pull away, but Robert rolled over in his arms and pressed his face into Danny’s chest. Robert’s arms coiled around him. Danny wasn’t sure Robert knew he was awake and he decided not to risk it. It took him longer to fall asleep this time. Robert’s breaths curled against him and he was unsure if he was awake or asleep. It was strangely intimate, as if they’d slept like this a thousand times before. If he’d known Robert better, it would have been cozy, but now he was a little afraid of what would happen if Robert knew he was awake.

He didn’t realize he slept at all when he suddenly woke up alone with the sun shining through the windows. He stood up and got dressed. Real classy to be walking home from someone else’s place after your first night there. Robert came into the room. He was fully dressed and leaning against the doorframe. Danny knew that lean all too well. “I’m leaving,” Danny said.

“So you know the drill.”

Danny nodded, and Robert followed him out. Danny hesitated on the front porch. “Let me know if you need a drinking buddy - or another kind.”

Robert seemed disinterested, despite sleeping in his chest most of the night. He just said, “Yeah.”

Danny walked home, both a little ashamed but also a little confident from his quick lay. Part of him didn’t care who saw him, and part of him cared a whole fucking lot. He just needed to wait to see where the dust settled after he got home and took a shower. And after he found something to cure his hangover.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit of a bummer! There's a bit of groundwork I wanted to lay out, so hopefully it still keeps your attention!
> 
> Forgot the soundtrack: [Tango till they're Sore](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2Tn8w1w2_Y)

Danny was not excited about the barbeque. Amanda had thoroughly interrogated Danny about his one night stand to the point that she talked him into hanging around Mat’s coffee shop together in the hopes of getting a glimpse of him. Amanda had no delusions about the encounter, but she was curious about who would net her dad into such a scandalous encounter. It wasn’t the first time Danny had told her about a one-night-stand, but it was the first time that Amanda could potentially meet him.

He knew there was a chance that Robert would show up at the barbeque. While Robert didn’t seem like a friendly-neighbour type, he did seem like the type who’d show up for free food. Danny was glad he hadn’t given Robert his number because if he had, he’d be compulsively checking his phone. He liked his encounter, and he wondered if Robert even thought about it. He was nervous about seeing him. Hell, he was nervous about seeing all of them, and he was worried about what kind of despair would hit him after hanging out with Craig.

He just had to hold his shit together until Amanda went off to college. Then he’d only have to keep it together whenever she visited or called him. He could handle that, probably. Hopefully. But faking politeness and normal interactions at a barbeque that contained both a successful roommate and a quick lay was going to be difficult. Hell, it’d be difficult enough without them.

“I think I’ll stay home,” Danny said, draping himself across the sofa. “You can go in my place. Impress the dads.”

Amanda grinned at him. “You have to go. I want to see how you introduce me to Robert. I want to see the look on his face when you introduce your amazing daughter.”

“I don’t know why I tell you anything.”

“Because you’re a gossip but have no friends.”

“No, it’s because I’m a good dad. You deserve to know the things going on in my life, even when I fu- mess up.”

“Dad, when are you gonna let this girl cuss as much as you do?”

“When I’m dead,” Danny said, “and that might be during this barbeque.”

“So you’re going to go.”

“You’d risk my life?” Danny asked, gasping.

“For a burger? Heck yeah, dad.”

Danny rolled off the couch. “All right, let’s go.”

“Do you want me to bring my purse and we’ll shove some snacks in it? I’ve already got plastic bags in there for stashing the good stuff.”

Danny hesitated before replying, “Yes.”

He waited as Amanda ran off to get her purse and slung it over her shoulder. She asked, “Ready?”

Danny exhaled, “Yeah.”

“I’ll loot a lot of good snacks for you, dad.”

“Thanks, Panda.”

They walked over to Joseph’s, and Danny immediately relaxed when he saw Mary. She was terrifying, certainly, and there was no guarantee she’d be even remotely nice to him, but she definitely added a positive element to the party. She had her wine glass in hand, swirling it. Amanda darted away almost immediately to the snacks, and Danny went around making some small talk, finally piecing together that Joseph and Mary were married and had to uncomfortably listen to them argue.

He wondered what Joseph did to make Mary like this. He wondered what it said about him that that was his first thought about them as a couple. He decided to give Joseph a wide birth.

He didn’t feel comfortable trailing after Mary as she went to hunt down her son, and he found himself stuck socializing with the other dad’s. He saw Brian and Robert talking and wondered what they had to talk about. He wondered if they had fucked too and found himself a little too invested in the fantasy as he moved between the other two groups. 

Craig found himself the odd man out in a discussion about literature and art and, uh, stuff. So Danny spoke with Craig, not eager to engage in a conversation he hadn’t thought about since college. Aside from their encounter the other day, he hadn’t seen Craig since Alex’s funeral, and Danny wasn’t looking forward to when they were alone. What would they talk about? How great Craig’s life was now? Danny’s proudest achievement was Amanda who was perfect, of course, but was it weird to only talk about your daughter when you knew someone for a few decades? Probably not, right?

He hated that time when you hadn’t seen friends for a few weeks or months or years and they’d just ask “What’s up” or “What’s new” and you had to figure out how to summarize everything that happened without sounding too pathetic. Well, I lost my job so I sold the house I raised my daughter with my now-dead husband in to make sure I could pay for some of her college without ending up balls deep in loans and I’m telling her I’m not job hunting until she’s off to college, but truth be told I can’t seem to find any jobs to even apply to. So I have to stretch what little we have to make sure Amanda feels comfortable and also pray to something I don’t really believe in that she gets that scholarship so I don’t have to start selling organs, which I’m honestly not above, but you know my liver, Craig. No one’s gonna want that.

Danny tried not to panic at the thought, and it bothered him that Craig knew him too well and realized that he was internally having a conversation with himself. Craig tried to ask him what he was thinking about, but Danny interrupted with a bright smile and excused himself.

So he had likely-secret-asshole Joseph and Goth Dad, or Robert and Brian. He spotted Amanda across the lawn making a move towards Robert. Danny and Amanda locked eyes – time froze for a moment – and then Amanda gave him a smile. She. Wouldn’t. Dare. She walked quickly towards Danny’s one-night-stand and Danny hurried to try to reach Robert before her.

He made it in time to hear Amanda say, “Hi, I’m Amanda, Danny’s great kid. I don’t think we’ve met, but I’ve heard-”

Danny laughed sharply as he entered the conversation. “Say hi to Brian too.”

“Did you know Robert’s brand of whiskey is the same kind that my dad swore off after college?” Amanda asked Brian.

Brian laughed. “So you’ve been to Jim and Kim’s then?”

“Yeah,” Danny said.

When Danny turned he noticed Robert had slunk off. It was a bit of a relief really, though he didn’t seem eager to talk to anyone else at the barbeque. Danny tried not to get into a brag war with Brian and spotted Robert move towards Mary. Danny was jealous - that meant after Brian, Danny would have to talk to the other dads before her.

Danny made the rounds and shot off a few puns when the other dads got into it. He managed to get beside Mary after he picked up a burger. She looked at it with some distaste as she stuck to her wine. She tilted the glass towards Danny with a raised brow. Danny nodded, and Mary poured him a glass, holding onto it as he gracefully scarfed down the burger.

“So you fucked Robert.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “He said he doesn’t kiss and tell, but I assume he’d tell you-”

“He didn’t,” Mary said. “Robert’s avoiding you, and he seems to be avoiding your daughter now too. Did you tell your daughter you slept with a strange man?”

“I mean, yeah,” Danny said, shrugging. “I want her to not have a fucked up relationship with sex, so I try to talk to her about casual sex.”

“And she... likes hearing about her dad having sex.”

“No,” Danny said, laughing. He set aside his plate and took his wine glass from her. “It’s not like I give her all the details, though now that she’s older, we usually laugh about the pick-up lines. I just - I know dads are supposed to be those hyper-possessive ‘my daughter is perfect and virginal’ stereotypes, but with me and Alex,” Danny’s voice trailed off. “I just wanted her to have someone she could talk to about it if she ever got into a crisis. She doesn’t need to tell me about her first time, but if she wanted to tell me about it, or shit had a pregnancy scare, I don’t want her to be scared to talk to me about it.”

Mary didn’t seem surprised. She said, with some indifference, “Seems like a good attitude to have.”

Danny rubbed the back of his neck a bit nervously. Maybe his parenting was so Basic it wasn’t worth talking about. He said, “Yeah, uh, my parents didn’t talk at all about that shit so maybe I’ve gone too far the other way, but Amanda seems all right. She groans when I ask her about boys so I think she’s taking it slow.”

“I suppose she’d probably hate her dad announcing she’s likely a virgin at a barbeque.”

Danny laughed sharply and felt heat rising to his cheeks. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess.”

Mary smirked and rolled the wine in her glass. “I won’t tell a soul.”

Danny’s shoulders slackened. “Hey, um, this is going to sound weird, but you’re really cool.”

Mary’s smile held strong. She looked amused more than anything. “Why would that be weird?”

“I just mean - I want to hang out.”

“With wine?”

“I mean, if it’ll get me through the door, sure.”

“I can’t promise I’ll be able to get Robert to come with me.”

“I’m being completely honest when I say this doesn’t have anything to do with Robert,” Danny said. That clearly surprised her. Danny continued, “I said it the other night too. I want to be friends.”

“Because I’m you in another life.”

“My daughter says I tell her everything because I’m a gossip with no friends.”

Mary laughed. Danny ate it up. He noticed the laugh got both Joseph and Robert’s attention as well. Had he achieved a difficult feat? 

Danny continued, “That isn’t to say I expect you to be a gossip or, you know, listen to my stupid shit-”

“I get it, Danny. You want a friend and you’ve got your eyes on me. I’m flattered, really.” She took a sip of her wine and watched Danny through her glass. She said, “I think I’ll give you a few tests.”

Danny wasn’t sure what that meant, but he was excited regardless. “Okay.”

“First, tell me your impressions of the adults here.”

“You mean you don’t want me to shit talk children? I’m surprised.”

She had taken a drink of her wine and laughed into her glass. Danny turned slightly so Joseph and Robert didn’t take his attention away from her. He didn’t want her to think he was just using her. He got the impression she might get that a lot. Mary said, “You’re stalling.”

Danny turned back to face the people at the party. “Okay, well, I don’t really know Damien that well. I saw him throw a fit while returning a shirt and while I don’t really approve of giving customer service a hard time, they seemed pretty indifferent to his problems and it’s nice to see someone passionate about, um, anything, I guess?”

“Dames is a good friend of mine.”

“I don’t think I need to backpedal there?”

Mary just smiled.

Danny continued, “Brian, um, I don’t know. His daughter seems cool and Amanda already clicks with her. He’s got a dog, but he’s, um, I don’t know he just makes me competitive and it’s not exactly an aspect of myself I’m particularly proud of.”

“And physically?”

“What?”

“Do you find him cute?”

Danny sucked his teeth. “I mean, yeah.”

“So that’s your type.”

“Basically anyone who shows a mild interest in me is my type,” Danny said. “Some just make me weaker than others.”

“And Brian?”

“I think I’d have to spend more time with him,” Danny said. “He’s cute, but he seems to know which buttons of mine to push though.”

“I know that feeling all too well,” Mary said. “Who’s next? Kale?”

“What? Oh, Craig. I mean, we were college roommates.”

“And?”

“I’m glad he’s doing so well, but it just sort of emphasizes what a fucking mess I am.”

Mary laughed again. “And on the cuteness scale.”

“I, uh, kind of miss a little hefty and definitely not clean-shaven Keg Stand Craig,” Danny said.

“It really sounds like you have a type.”

“Yeah, I guess. Mat next, right? ‘Cause I can tell you he’s almost too cute - and too cool. The fact that he’s a bit nervous and rambles only adds to that. Like he’s almost too perfect but also very obtainable but also very out of my league. God, and I love that he owns his own store. I always wanted to do that shit, I’ve just never cared about anything enough to have something to sell.”

“So you already have a coffee shop fantasy with him?”

“I mean, yeah, definitely,” Danny said. “Mr. Vega - Hugo - he’s Amanda’s teacher. I’m a little - he’s really cute but also intimidates me. I always feel like I’m taking a test when I’m with him. I also worked part-time at this suit place when I was in College and I can tell you he’s hiding some muscular arms. I think he could carry me under his arm if he wanted to.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.”

“Interesting,” Mary said, taking another drink. “I’ve always wanted to see him a bit more dressed-down.”

“I try not to think about it much,” Danny said. “I’ll have dreams of taking one of his tests while we’re fucking.”

Mary laughed and said, “You’re avoiding someone.”

“Robert? I mean, I’ve already established what our relationship is gonna be so it’s nice to fuck up right at the beginning, I guess.”

“I meant my husband.”

“You want me to rate your husband?”

“No, just first impressions.”

“Um, a people pleaser, I think. He’s a bit too polished for me - it always intimidates me.”

“You’re not wrong.”

“So did I pass?”

Mary eyed Danny warily. “For now. Go mingle.”

Danny pouted a bit and said, “I don’t want to.”

“Well, I’m tired of entertaining you and I want to talk to Robert, who clearly won’t come within 20 feet of me when I’m standing next to you. He looks like he’s ready to jump the fence into the next yard.”

“All right, all right,” Danny said.

“Talk to Damien. He seemed to frighten you the least, and he’s my favourite.”

“Thanks for the tip.”

Danny down his glass of wine and started to walk away, but Mary aded, “We’ll hang out soon.”

Danny offered her a smile and walked back to Damien.

*

Several days later, Danny and Amanda both laid splayed out on their sofa with their legs stretched out on the coffee table. Each had a small bowl of popcorn on their chests, seeing who could eat the most effectively without using their hands. Danny was so proud of her. She was winning.

He had hung out with a few of the dads. He slayed Brian in minigolf and looked forward to harassing him as Brian mowed his lawn, but he was mostly happy Amanda had found a friend in Daisy. Despite his lack of fishing ability, he was looking forward to going out again. It’d be nice to see Amanda and Daisy hang out more.

He’d begun jogging with Craig every other morning. After his incompetence at the gym, Craig insisted they spend more time together, and his morning routine was the easiest for Danny to keep up with. Danny didn’t admit it, but he usually went back to bed after their morning jogs. It was a little annoying to watch Craig get hit on by every passing person while Danny sweat buckets and hoped for death. Danny considered stopping, but Craig seemed to look forward to hanging out and Danny always hated letting him down.

It was hard. Even as adults, Danny was still the one who had to make the effort for him. He always felt like he had to be the one to follow Craig - whether it was onto a roof in college to keep him from jumping off into a pool, or now along a parkway path just so Craig could fit some socializing into his schedule. And everything felt surface with Craig. They never really had heart-to-hearts. They just reminisced and talked about exercise. Danny still worried about him too. Was Craig pushing himself too hard? Or was Danny just jealous he was so successful?

Danny had the best time with Mat. His coffee was unavoidable, and despite being flustered about his good looks, Danny found him a rather soothing presence. He often hung out in the coffee shop while Amanda was in school, and he sometimes helped Mat out when he was busier than expected. He’d even gone to a concert with him, and shortly after Mat went with him to get a haircut to save him from his “manbun addiction.” He recommended a frohawk, and Danny kept it just over an inch, hoping it would encourage him to keep up a routine haircut. 

Despite reaching out for each other’s hands during the concert, Danny was hesitant to pursue anything romantic. He already felt like a bit of a burden to Mat, and it wasn’t a dynamic Danny wanted in a relationship. Still, it was nice to have a friend, and whenever Mat smiled at him, Danny’s self-confidence skyrocketed.

Except Danny did fuck Robert one more time. After splitting a bottle of wine with Mary in the middle of the afternoon, he messaged Robert on Dadbook on impulse - just checking in, hoping to be friendly with him. Nearly twelve hours later, Robert messaged him from his driveway with a “;)” and Danny came out like the desperate loser he was. 

The sex was the same. Great, thorough, and Robert was happy to cuddle afterwards. Robert was less hesitant to receive anything in return, and there still wasn’t any penetration, not that Danny minded at all. Robert did, however, insist on being the big spoon. After Alex passed, Danny wasn’t fond of being the little spoon. Every pair of arms reminded him on Alex’s arms. He hated how warm and safe Robert’s arms felt around him. It was hard for him to fall asleep, and Robert unintentionally woke Danny up when he positioned himself back into Danny’s chest. Danny rested his chin on top of his head. Robert’s stubble rubbed against his chest. He absently stroked Robert’s hair, and Robert’s fingers pressed into his back. 

Danny decided he was an idiot; he liked Robert. They barely spoke at all. Despite being in his house twice, he never got a good look at anything besides his bathroom. It was cleaner than his own, which wasn’t saying much. He didn’t know a thing about him, but he slept better in Robert’s bed than he did anywhere else. He was tempted to fuck him again if only to get a decent night’s rest.

He woke up to a few texts from Craig wondering if he was going to join him for the jog or if he should keep it up on his own. Danny replied from Robert’s bed, and it was strange to still have Robert still in the bed with him. The last time he’d gotten out and dressed before Danny had even woken up, and now he slept soundly. Granted it was five hours earlier than last time. Danny shot a message to Amanda before tossing his phone aside. On impulse, he wrapped his arms around Robert, forcing him back into the little spoon position. He nuzzled into the back of Robert’s head.

Robert cursed under his breath, but he didn’t pull away. He pressed back against Danny, tucking himself tighter against him. Robert asked, “What do you want?”

“Nothing.”

Robert cursed again, more audibly. Danny made a mental note not to wake him up.

Danny asked, “Do you want me to leave?”

“What time is it?”

“6am.”

“Christ. Fuck.”

“Sorry, I just-”

“You can stay. Just shut up.”

Danny complied. Robert pulled Danny’s arms tighter around him as if they were blankets. Danny breathed him in, hoping it didn’t count as a conversation. Robert asked, “Your girl not going to worry?”

“She knows where I am.”

“Christ, that’s weird.”

“I went missing once when she was younger,” Danny said. “I try to tell her everything now.”

Robert didn’t take the bait. He said nothing, and Danny closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing to try to fall back asleep. He awoke when Robert left the bed around eleven. Some drool on his chest suggested Robert had nuzzled back into it at some point during the morning. Danny dressed without saying anything. Robert just watched him. He stayed in his boxers. Danny absently wondered what he looked like in his jacket and boxers.

Before Danny left, Robert left the room and closed the door behind him. Danny waited, unsure if he was supposed to leave or not. After a few minutes, he checked his phone and messaged Robert. “Hey, can I leave?”

He heard Robert’s phone buzz on the nightstand. Of course.

Danny slid his phone into his back pocket and left. Robert wasn’t anywhere, but Danny didn’t feel like snooping. Well, Danny always felt like snooping, but he didn’t feel like having Robert catch him snooping. He kept his eyes low and walked out, making sure the door tightly closed behind him. He walked around the cul-de-sac to get to his house.

He wanted to get coffee, but he was worried about Mat seeing his o-afterglow, so he made his own coffee, showered, and hung around inside for the day. And now he had his popcorn eating competition against Amanda while watching a cooking show. They decided they’d get hungry watching a cooking show, and the popcorn was a necessity.

When he heard his phone buzz, Danny used his free hands - since he was using only his tongue to shovel in popcorn - to check his phone. He saw a message from Mary. “Drinks tonight?”

Danny asked, “Do you care if I go out with Mary?”

“In the middle of a contest?”

“Panda, you’ve clearly bested me. You’ve outdone the master.”

Amanda sunk lower in the sofa, which was an impressive feat since they were already deep into it. “All right, sure.”

Danny sat up, but he managed to catch the bowl of popcorn before he spilled it everywhere. “I don’t have to go.”

Amanda said, “No, it’s okay.”

Danny hesitated. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just weird that you’re hanging out with your friends more than I do mine.”

“Didn’t you just hang out with them yesterday?” Danny asked.

Amanda shrugged.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Did he press? “I can stay in tonight. We can pop another bag and try a round two.”

“No, go,” Amanda said, a bit sharply.

Now he didn’t want to go, but he stood up. “Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?”

“Yes. Now I can watch bad porn while you’re out until tomorrow morning.”

“I’ll be back around 1, probably,” Danny said. “And just don’t pay for anything. We have the internet now, Panda.”

Amanda laughed. Danny relaxed some. He didn’t really want to leave her, but she’d see through him if he stayed or left and came back too early. He messaged Mary, “Sure. Anytime.”

Mary replied, “I’ll be ready in ten.”

Danny changed out of his sweats and fixed up his hair. He kissed Amanda on the cheek who pushed him away. He said, “You know where the cash is if you want to order a pizza.”

“Are you asking me to order a pizza so you have something to eat when you get home drunk?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t complain.”

Amanda chuckled and shook her head. “Fine.”

Danny walked outside and met Mary at the end of his driveway. The conversation was light as they walked to the bar. Mary told him about some of her kids’ antics and some bullshit Joseph nagged her about. When they got into Jim and Kim’s, Mary motioned for him to grab a booth while she got a bottle.

Danny sat on the side of a booth facing the bar, but he spotted Robert watching him. He wasn’t sure where else he’d expect Robert to be. He gave Robert a nod, and Robert looked away. Danny decided to move to the other side of the booth so he wouldn’t accidentally make eye contact again. He rubbed the back of his neck.

Mary came to the booth with two glasses and a bottle. Danny mentioned paying her back, but Mary scoffed and told him to forget about it. Despite mooching drinks off of guys, Mary hadn’t let Danny pay for a drink since the first. Word must of have gotten to her that he was unemployed. Drinking could be an expensive hobby.

She poured him a glass and slid it across the table. He caught it and held the glass by the stem before touching the base to swirl it. He watched the spiral form. Mary said, “So tell me the most fucked up story about yourself that you’ve got.”

Danny smirked. “Robert wants the story.”

Mary smiled back and folded her arms against the table to lean closer towards him. “He told me to tell you that he didn’t say anything. Do you want me to wave him over? I hate playing this telephone bullshit.”

Danny watched her eyes drift to Robert. “No, no. I’ll tell you the story, but don’t tell him.”

“So you weren’t actually just making some shit up.”

“No.”

“He thought you were, but I didn’t think so. We had a bet. You like the games we play with other people, but as much as we fake you out, you never do with us.”

“Yeah.”

Mary waited and then laughed. “You tried baiting him knowing he wouldn’t bother to ask.”

Danny nodded. “I didn’t think he’d ask you to find out.”

“So what’s going on? You like each other now?”

Danny rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to find the words, but a “Hey,” interrupted his thought.

Robert stood at the end of the booth with a glass of whiskey in his hand. Neither Mary nor Danny said anything to him. Robert said, “I’m sick of drinking alone.”

He pushed Mary over and sat next to her. He just stared at Danny. His intense eyes always made Danny nervous, even when they were in bed. The only time he liked it was when he caught Robert watching him from across the room - and that’s because Robert always looked away. Robert downed his drink. Mary watched Danny. What was she waiting for? Did she want him to call Robert out for wanting the story? Did she want him to admit that he kind of liked Robert and scare him away completely?

Robert looked at his empty glass and said, “I’ll come back with three.”

He got up from the booth. Danny gave Mary a pleading look. Mary made a noise in disgust and shrugged. “Just tell him the story.”

“What’s his deal?”

Mary glanced at the bar and then said, “He’s just - he’s got kind of a fucked up relationship with sex. Someone took advantage of him, and he just - he separates sex completely from everything else. No friendship. No romance - hell, I’m not sure he’ll be romantic with anyone again. So it’s kind of a big step he’s even at the table with us.”

“Jesus.” No pressure, Danny.

“Just tell him the story.”

“It’s embarrassing!”

“Too bad,” Mary said. “You brought it up. Grow up.”

Danny chugged his wine and Mary refilled his glass. Robert came back carrying three glasses with the ease. He slid one across the booth to Danny before sitting back down with Mary. He put the glass in her hand. Danny stared at his glass. He really didn’t want to tell it, but they both just watched him.

“So, uh,” Danny said. “A couple months after my husband died, his parents took Amanda for a weekend getaway. I just - I needed some time to myself. I could feel myself cracking and I didn’t want to break down in front of her. They were happy to take her.”

Mary and Robert said nothing. They just stared at him intently. God, what a pair. Danny took a drink and said, “We kept a dry house, so I went to the shittiest bar I could find in the hopes of avoiding anyone I knew. I thought about just buying a couple of bottles and drinking at home, but, well, I wanted a fuck and a drink. So I got a drink and met a guy. I was upfront-” he looked sheepishly at Robert and added, “I usually am upfront. I said I was trans and wanted to hook up. So I try to meet someone while I’m moderately sober and make sure they seem cool with it, then drink with them until I’m not sober.

“So I had a lot to drink with this guy,” Danny said. He tried to figure out a polite way to say he had Robert’s kind of style without explicitly referring to Robert. He continued, “He, uh, looked like the kind of guy you’d find in a dive bar.”

Mary nudged Robert and said, “Danny has a type.”

Robert frowned, and Danny rubbed the back of his neck. “We didn’t even make it to his place. We fucked in the bathroom and we clicked - as much as two very drunk people click. We flew to Niagara to gamble. We got some stupid fucking expensive hotel room on a credit card he lifted off of some tourist in the city. We just drank and gambled and fucked for like a week. I’m not sure how much sleeping we did. We used our own money for gambling and we - we lost a lot, and then we won a lot. Like, a hell of a lot. Like I thought maybe we’d get our legs broken later lot. We left right away and split the winnings in half. We won on my dollar, but we both burned through a lot so I didn’t see a problem - I still don’t - in splitting it.

“We want back to the hotel room, fucked, and when I woke up in the morning he was just gone. When I went to the front desk, they said he checked out and took a cab to the airport. So I took a flight back home and called Alex’s parents when I got back. God, I hadn’t been yelled at like that maybe ever. I talked to Amanda on the phone and I took a day to sober up and clean up. My in-laws dropped Amanda off the next day. They threatened to try to get custody of her a few hours later on the phone, and I don’t blame them. Amanda was scared - really scared. She was, like, twelve.

“So I just told her what happened. I was lonely and I met a guy and I lost myself. I promised I’d never run off again, and I promised I’d always tell her what was going on.”

Robert said, “So you kept fucking strangers.”

“I mean, not often, but yeah, most of the time I wasn’t ready for dating, but I still had an itch for another person.”

Mary laughed and said, “Don’t we all.”

“I’m, uh, I’m not done with the story,” Danny said. He’d finished the whiskey and started on the wine again. “A couple months later, the guy called me and wanted to go for coffee. I went because it was coffee - if it had been a bar, I wouldn’t have done it. He told me about all the shit he spent the money on and how he’d lost the rest of it on another bender with someone else. He called me his lucky charm and asked if I wanted to go again - promised it’d be all on his dollar this time.

“When I said I couldn’t, he asked what I did with his money, asked if he could borrow a couple of grand-”

Mary asked, “What did you do with the money?”

“I put it aside,” Danny said. “I, uh, lost my job after that bender. I had already taken a lot of time off of work and I just - they couldn’t get a hold of me and it was unprofessional. I put aside a chunk for school for Amanda and we lived on it while I tried to find another job. It was hard when I couldn’t get a reference from somewhere I worked for ten years.”

“Shit,” Robert said.

“Anyway, I was still unemployed and I told him no. I told him that they were threatening to take my kid - they weren’t, not anymore - and that I had lost my job and that my husband was still dead and next thing I knew I was crying in a coffee shop. He didn’t leave, but god you knew he wanted to. Not that I blamed him.

“I apologized a lot and we left shortly after that. He didn’t press for the money, and I checked my wallet after he left to make sure he didn’t take anything. He called me a couple days later asking if I wanted to get a drink. I knew his game. He was going to get me drunk and hoped we went off again. Maybe he wouldn’t have paid since he knew I had most of it just sitting aside. Maybe he would have stayed true to his word. I honestly didn’t care.

“I can tell you with absolute certainty that I would have gone if Amanda hadn’t been there - like if she had a sleepover or a school trip or anything where she was already busy,” Danny said, “and knowing that scared the shit out of me. I said I couldn’t, I said I still had to watch my daughter and no one could take her.

“The asshole asked me if he thought my girl would like to see Niagara Falls,” Danny laughed. “Christ, what fucking nerve. I changed my number shortly after that, and I didn’t give out my number again. So there’s the story. I try not to let loose like I use to, and I usually only had a couple of drinks when I was hooking up after that.”

Robert exhaled and Mary said, “So Craig isn’t the only one of you who had a wild streak.”

“Yeah,” Danny replied. “Craig and I looked out for each other but we both - we didn’t make good choices, and we didn’t exactly encourage each other to make good ones. It was good we met other people to date.”

“And that’s when you started to be more open with your daughter?” Mary asked, “Giving her the sex talk and all that?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “It was maybe a little young, I don’t know. I just - I needed to be honest about how I messed up sometimes and I needed her to help me the best she could. We became like a team after that.”

Danny finished off the glass of wine and put his head on the table, facing away from both of them. Danny said, “You know, it’s funny. I never wanted kids, but Alex did. He talked me into it. He said we’d be a team. I was so mad when he died. I didn’t know how to raise a fucking kid. And now Amanda and I are a team. We always say it. Team Ubenki. It’s funny how things turn out.”

Neither of them replied. Danny looked up at his wine glass to see it still empty. Had he been drinking wine as he told the story? He’d been nervous. He assumed Mary and Robert were talking with their eyes like they did. “There’s not much of the money left if you’re thinking about robbing me,” Danny said.

Mary laughed. Robert didn’t. 

Mary poured Danny another glass of wine and topped off her own. Danny sat up so he could keep drinking. Robert wouldn’t look at him. His glass of whiskey was empty and he looked towards the bar. He was a little mad he wouldn’t say anything at all. Danny said, “If that’s all you wanted to know, don’t feel obligated to stay.”

Robert said, “You’re the one who brought it up.”

“What?”

Robert said, “You don’t get to be pissed off at me for hearing a story you offered to share.”

Danny wanted to argue, but he found himself very tired. “You’re right. Sorry.”

If Robert was surprised, he didn’t show it. Danny nursed his wine. Mary said, “I think both of us know that feeling.”

“What feeling?”

“That feeling where you just want to disappear from your life and responsibilities,” Mary said. “You’ve picked the right crowd to drink with.”

“Yeah - it’s going to be really hard without Amanda around.”

“Well, you won’t be able to run away without me, and I’ve got too many anchors here to go anywhere,” Mary said.

Danny looked at her, and she offered him a half-smile. Robert got up to go to the bar. Danny didn’t expect him to come back. Danny and Mary exchanged glances. “Sorry for being a bummer.”

“No way,” Mary said. “That story was great. I’m not sure Robert and I could have come up with something better.”

Danny smiled. “Thanks.”

“Have you been unemployed all this time?” Mary asked.

“Oh no, I take jobs here and there when I can get them. I just – they don’t usually keep me for long. We were moving the last time I was let go, so I just decided to take some time off,” Danny said.

He finished his glass of wine, and Robert came back with three more whiskeys and another bottle of wine. After a good look at Danny, he handed him the glass instead of sliding it over the table. It occurred to Danny that he was already pretty drunk, but he wasn’t one to waste a drink. He drank the whiskey quickly, eager to have an excuse not to talk. Robert and Mary made a few jokes that Danny didn’t quite hear, and some anxiety ate away at him as he worried that they were laughing at him in front of him.

With the whiskey finished, he tried to nurse his glass of wine - but he liked to appear busy and drank the wine instead of trying to participate. Before he knew it, he drank at least half of the other bottle. Mary pushed Robert as she got out of the booth, and Robert watched her go. Robert then looked at Danny and said, “Sit on this side.”

It made him more nervous. “Why?”

“So you can watch the woman work.”

Danny turned to see Mary trying to get a drink out of a guy. Danny moved to Robert’s side of the booth and felt Robert’s arm stretch out on the booth behind him. It wasn’t quite like putting his arm around him, but he still liked the attention. Robert said, “You couldn’t hear us, right? I bet Mary she couldn’t get a drink from that guy.”

“Why couldn’t she?”

“Oh she’ll get the drink,” Robert said. “I just wanted to ask if you wanted to fuck around in the bathroom while she does it.”

Robert’s hand traced up the inside of his thigh until his thumb could press against the crotch of his jeans. His mouth was against Danny’s ear, “I want to make you come.”

It was really, really hot. Robert’s stubble scratched against his neck. He kissed where Danny’s jaw and neck met while two fingers fumbled with the buttons of his jeans. The other fingers pressed against his crotch, putting pressure on his pussy through his jeans. Danny’s breath caught in his throat. Fuck, he wanted it bad. He slid out of the booth, and Robert hopefully tried following him, but Danny his hand on Robert’s chest to push him back. “No. I can’t.”

Robert frowned. “All right.”

“I just - I don’t want Mary to think I’m using her to get to you.”

“But are you?”

“I said ‘No,’ didn’t I? I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”

“This is my bar.”

“It’s her bar too.”

Robert didn’t say anything. Danny said, “I think - I think I’m gonna go.”

“I’ll walk you home.”

“I don’t - Robert, I’m not going to put out tonight.”

Robert laughed and slid out of the booth. “You can barely stand straight, and I’m not that pushy. Let me walk you home.”

Danny leaned on the wall. His head was spinning. “Yeah, yeah. Let’s tell Mary. I don’t want her to think-”

“Yeah, I get it,” Robert said. “Just stay there.”

Robert walked away and Danny glanced at the table. There was still a bit of wine left in the bottle. He leaned over and poured the remainder in the glass, downing it almost immediately. He frowned as he realized he was too drunk to even taste it. Christ, what was wrong with him? Mary and Robert approached him. “Robert was right, that asshole wasn’t going to buy me shit,” Mary said. “Let’s walk you home.”

Robert put his arm around Danny to keep him steady. They got out of the bar with little difficulty. “Christ, I always forget how tall he is,” Robert said to Mary.

“You’d think he’d hold his liquor better.”

Danny said, “I haven’t - I haven’t drunk like this in a long time. My tolerance is shit.”

“I bet you could really drink back in the day,” Robert said.

“I could drink anyone under the table - except maybe Craig. That challenge was just alcohol poisoning waiting to happen. God, why am I like this?”

Mary rubbed Danny’s back. “It’s okay. You’ve got friends now.”

Danny wanted to cry. Robert’s arm around him reminded him of all the times Alex walked him back to his apartment. He’d already made so much of an ass of himself, he couldn’t cry too. God, he’d had too much to drink. Mary had said a joke he didn’t hear and Robert laughed. Again, Danny couldn’t help but feel it was at his expense, and then he felt selfish for thinking that. Mary and Robert had more to talk about than his sorry ass. He rubbed his face again as they made their way into the cul-de-sac. Mary squeezed Danny’s arm as she said goodnight. Danny returned it.

Robert helped Danny up his front steps, with Danny muttering an apology for every step. Danny pulled out his keys only to drop them. “Fuck.”

“I’ve got them,” Robert said. “Which one is it?”

Danny looked at the keys in Robert’s hand. He had no fucking clue, and he saw his old house key on there with the tacky camouflage print Alex had picked out. Their locks had been long since changed, but Robert didn’t have it in him to take the key off the ring. He was close to tears.

“Just take me to your place,” Danny said. “Let’s fuck.”

“Danny-”

“I sleep better at your place.”

Robert didn’t say anything. He watched Danny with a softness Danny hadn’t seen before. It hurt as he realized he was too drunk and probably wouldn’t remember how it felt in the morning. Robert finally said, “You’ve had too much to drink.”

Danny laughed. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe because he was so pathetic that even Robert wouldn’t sleep with him now. Maybe because the only person who actually enjoyed spending time with him was a broken housewife. He laughed harder and felt the tears start to roll down his cheeks. Robert hugged him. “It’s okay,” Robert said.

Danny leaned in and tucked his head against Robert’s neck. Robert rubbed his back. Robert laughed softly and said, “We’ve all been this drunk before.”

Amanda opened the front door. “Dad?”

“Panda.”

“Dad, it’s almost 2.”

“Fuck,” Danny said.

Robert said, “Let me get him through the door. He’s had a bit of a rough night.”

Danny stumbled in through the door with Robert’s arm around him. Amanda said, “At least he didn’t end up at your place.”

Robert didn’t reply, and he gently let Danny go as Danny sprawled out on the couch. “This is where I die, Amanda.”

“I ordered your pizza,” Amanda said.

“You have saved my life.”

Amanda laughed softly and went into the kitchen. Robert stood awkwardly for a moment and watched her. He asked Danny, “You all right?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

“I’m going to go then.”

“Want a slice of pizza?”

Robert looked back towards Amanda and then at Danny. “I’m all right.”

“Okay.” Danny wanted to touch him, but he folded his hands in his lap to try to keep himself from doing something stupid. “Thanks.”

Robert nodded. “Yeah.”

Robert left quickly and shut the door behind him. Amanda set a plate with a few slices of pizza in front of him. She left again and came back with a glass of water. “Your feast awaits.”

Danny looked at the pizza and then back to Amanda. “Sorry.”

“For not texting or for coming home drunk or for ditching me tonight?”

“Just - everything.”

“I thought you were going out with Mary.”

“I was,” Danny said. “Robert met up with us, and he took responsibility to get me through the door. Mary came with us.”

“Well now you know how hard it is to text when you’re busy,” Amanda said.

“I hope you weren’t this drunk when you forgot to text me.”

Amanda sharply said, “You’re not the only one who gets to worry. You’re the adult. I shouldn’t have to worry about you.”

“I was just an hour late.”

Amanda scoffed and said, “You know what, I have school tomorrow. So I’m going to say goodnight.”

“Sorry.”

“You know what, Dad? I just don’t care.”

Danny’s heart broke a bit as Amanda walked away. He turned on the History channel as he ate his pizza and watched some show about alien theories to quiet his head down. He stopped after his first slice of pizza. He really didn’t want to sober up. He wanted tonight to just be a fog, and whatever hangover he had tomorrow would be worth the chance of forgetting today.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning for some vomit talk - not in a sexual way and not overly described.
> 
> If I hadn't decided to do all Tom Waits, the song for this chapter would be the Mad Caddies' [Macho Nachos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84TMPWjmvHo). But since it's not, we're going with Waits' [Lucinda](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uowitWdGrEQ). Don't tell anyone about my secret ska past.

Amanda said she was too tired to talk to him when she left for school. Danny had slept on the couch so she couldn’t just avoid him, but she still didn’t want to talk to him. He had an awful hangover, which he decided he deserved. For breakfast, he had pop and toast. He tried heating up some pizza, but the smell made him feel sick. He tried Amanda’s pickle juice strategy again and showered. 

He planned to go to the coffee shop but realized his keys weren’t in his jacket. He remembered crying against Robert on his front porch. Real classy, Danny. He messaged Robert, “Do you still have my keys?”

When he didn’t receive a reply after seeing the read receipt pop up, he fished the spare keys out of the drawer and locked up behind him. He told himself the fresh air would help him feel better, but it certainly did not. He didn’t find anything when he checked the front porch for his keys, so he left for Mat’s coffee shop. He took several breaks to keep down his breakfast and, when he made it to the coffee shop, he found Robert drinking a coffee inside. Robert ignored him, so Danny did the mature thing and ignored him too. Other than Robert, there were just a few other patrons and no line up. Danny leaned on the counter. “Mat, could I get a cup of ‘Have Another Drink my Dear.’”

Mat laughed. “Nope.”

“What about a cup of ‘Watch out for them Monkey’s’?”

“Danny, not only am I not licensed to serve alcohol, but I’m also not going to name spiked coffee with lyrics from a Ska band in the 90s.”

Danny shrugged. “Hey, they’re still touring. It seems like it’d be your style.”

Mat laughed. He poured Danny a cup of black coffee and put it on a saucer. Mat asked, “Are you here with Robert?”

“No.”

“He keeps looking your way.”

“He, uh, he has my keys,” Danny said. “At least I think so. I had a bit of a Night last night.”

“Oh yeah? Anything fun?”

“Got drunk and pissed off Amanda,” Danny said. “So no. If Dad of the Year nominations were today, I wouldn’t be getting one.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Let me know if you need any help during the rush.”

“Sure. I appreciate it.”

Danny started to walk towards Robert, but Craig walked into the shop and shouted for him. “I thought I’d catch you here,” Craig said. “Are we on for a jog tomorrow? I thought maybe I’d bump into you today since you blew me off yesterday.”

Mat said, “He’s hung over.”

“Oh yeah?” Craig said. He moved in front of Craig, blocking his view of a glowering Robert. Craig lowered his voice as he asked, “Dude, you all right?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Just really embarrassed mostly.”

“We’re a bit old for hangovers, right?”

Danny replied a bit sharply, “Well, unlike you, I like to let myself let loose once and a while.”

Craig flinched. “Woah. Ouch, bro.”

“Sorry, I’m just - it hasn’t been a great morning.”

“God dude, I want to hear about it, but I’m going to be running late for work if I don’t leave soon,” Craig said. “Do you want to meet up for lunch?”

And get interrupted a hundred times to hear people hit on him? No thanks. “Naw, I think I’m just going to lay low today,” Danny said. “I appreciate it though, bro.”

Craig looked at him with blatant concern. Danny hated it. “All right. But we’re on for a jog tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah,” Danny said.

“Okay, see you then, dude!”

Craig left in a jog without ordering anything. Danny looked back to Mat who just offered him a shrug and a smile. Mat’s bright smile helped. Danny made his way back to Robert. Robert had Danny’s keys in his hand and raised them up. Danny took them. “Thanks.”

Robert kicked out the seat across from him. Danny took it as an invitation and sat down. Danny had a folded book in his pocket, but he didn’t feel super comfortable reading while sharing a table with Robert. Robert didn’t look at him; he just looked super cool while quietly drinking his coffee. Danny exhaled and looked a little deflated as he drank his own. 

Danny took his book out of his pocket and set it on the table, but he decided against reading for now. After a while, he didn’t really mind the silence. Robert finished his coffee and stretched his arms out behind him. He knitted his fingers behind his head and blatantly watched Danny. Danny figured if Robert had something to say, he’d say it. He still wasn’t the biggest fan of Robert’s stare, but he tried to ignore it. Danny finished his coffee.

Robert asked, “Want another?”

Danny was surprised. “Oh, uh, yeah. Thanks.”

Robert nodded and grabbed both of their cups. It wouldn’t get busy for another hour, and Robert went up to the counter and Mat refilled their cups. Mat shouted, “How about some Right Said Banana Bread?”

Danny shouted, “Yeah, I think I can stomach it.”

Mat offered some to Robert who simply nodded in reply. Robert brought their cups and Mat came with banana bread soon after. He sat down with them, and Robert frowned. Mat asked, “What’re the plans for today?”

Danny looked at Robert to give him the opportunity to answer first. Robert looked away as if they weren’t talking to him at all. Danny said, “I’m trying to figure out a way to apologize to Amanda. She was upset before I left last night - I shouldn’t have gone.”

“That’s rough.”

“Yeah. Any suggestions?”

“I mean, get a dog,” Mat said. “That girl loves dogs.”

“She’ll thank me for the responsibility of having to take care of two animals,” Danny said. “It doesn’t work as an apology gift.”

“Ice cream?”

“Maybe,” Danny said. “It might work. I just - she’s bottling something up and won’t talk to me about it, and after this she’s definitely not eager to confide in me.”

Mat said, “You didn’t really break her trust though, did you?”

“No, it’s just - we were having a night together and I left,” Danny said. “What teenager wants to hang out with their dad anyway?”

Mat laughed. “Apparently yours.”

“What about you?”

“I think I’ll be working all day,” Mat said. “Might make spaghetti tonight with Carmensita.”

“Sounds fun. Maybe I should do that - something we can make together. It might get her talking.”

“Not a bad idea.”

Both Mat and Danny looked at Robert to see if he’d contribute. He continued drinking his coffee and looking anywhere but at them. It was as if they hadn’t sat at his table at all. Another customer walked in, and Mat said, “I’ll probably need you in a bit.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be here.”

Danny started to eat the banana bread, and Robert took his book to read the back of it. Danny felt a bit better with something in his stomach. He was surprised that he still had a bit of nausea. Robert tossed the book back. “Any good?”

“I’m not too far into it.”

“Didn’t think you’d be into cop shit.”

“I honestly can’t remember the last time I finished a book that I wasn’t reading with Amanda. I read anything that sounds moderately interesting in the hopes of breaking that streak.”

Again, Robert didn’t have anything further to say, so Danny didn’t press. They quietly drank their coffees and ate their banana bread. Sure enough when the store started to get busy, Mat motioned for Danny to help. Danny asked Robert, “Another cup?”

“Yeah. I wanna watch you bus tables.”

“I’m, uh, are you being sarcastic?”

Robert replied, “No.”

“Was that sar-”

“Yeah, I’ll take another cup, Danny.”

Robert raised his cup to Danny as if to emphasize he wasn’t being sarcastic. Danny was still unsure, but he refilled Robert’s cup, set it down at the table, and then he grabbed a bin to bus tables while Mat made coffee and took orders. He didn’t really mind. He liked keeping busy. Mat offered to pay him, and when Danny declined, he offered a portion of the tips. When Danny declined again, Mat just started giving him free coffee. Danny still felt guilty about it, but he definitely took the free coffee.

So he bussed tables the best he could, even with Robert watching him. As his bin grew fuller, the smell of one of the teas started to make his stomach turn. He dropped them off in the kitchen quickly, not eager to let the tea build up. By the fourth trip, Danny felt bile burn in the back of his throat. He told himself he could do it. He’d be fine. He just had to not think about it. On his way back to the kitchen, a customer stopped him to put a half-full cup of tea in his bin. It spilled over some leftover food and mixed in with the coffee. The customer walked away, and Danny felt the bile rising in his throat.

He tried walking calmly towards the kitchen with his mouth closed. He could do this. He wouldn’t throw up in Mat’s store. Sweat built up on his forehead. He felt too cold and weak. His ears filled with static.

But he could start to taste the bile burning in the back of his throat. Danny tried resting the bin on the counter, but it fell as soon as he let go of it. Danny was running out of time and simply ran to the bathroom, leaving the mess on the floor. He pushed open a stall door and threw up in a toilet. A cold sweat crawled down his back.

He threw up again. Flushing the toilet, he waited in the stall for a few minutes. He felt weak and light-headed and stupid. And he definitely broke some of Mat’s cups. He got up off the floor with some unsteadiness. He threw water on his face and drank from the tap. He walked back out to see one of the employees cleaning up the broken mugs and saucers on the floor. Danny bent over to help, but Mat pulled him back up. “Go home, Danny.”

“I’m so sorry,” Danny said. “I’ll pay for it-”

Mat offered him a warm smile and squeezed his arm. “It’s okay. Just go home and rest up.”

Danny smiled weakly in return. Jesus, Mat was amazing. “Thanks.”

He wanted to apologize again, but he left the shop before he did anything to make things worse. Robert caught up to him in a couple seconds. “You keep leaving your shit with me,” Robert said as he handed Danny his book.

“Right, sorry.”

Robert didn’t say anything, but he walked beside him. 

“At least watching me was entertaining,” Danny said.

Robert laughed. “That’s very true.”

Robert walked him back to his house. Danny was going to tell him not to bother, but he was still a bit shaky and appreciated the company. Robert hung around the porch as Danny unlocked the door. Robert said, “I have shit to do for about an hour. Wanna hook up after that?”

“What?”

“An afternoon delight.”

“I mean, I did vomit in the bathroom a couple minutes ago.”

Robert shrugged. “Drink a lot and brush your teeth a few times.”

Danny told himself to say no. Robert added, “I’ll make you feel better.” He hooked his finger through Danny’s belt loop and pulled him a bit closer. “They say an orgasm is the best thing for a hangover.”

Danny told himself to stay strong, but instead he said, “Do you mind coming over here for it? I’d rather know my path to the bathroom.”

“Sure. You’ve got lube?”

“Yeah.”

“All right. I’ll see you in about an hour.”

Danny watched Robert shove his hands into his jacket pockets as he walked over to his house. Danny went inside. He took a glass of water with him to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, showered, gargled, and brushed his teeth again. He felt a bit better with the water washing over him and in his stomach. He tried tidying up the living room for Amanda and then checked the status of his bedroom. There were still a few unpacked boxes in the corner. He took lubricant out of his nightstand drawer so he wouldn’t have to dig around for it in the moment. He debated putting out condoms, but left them in the drawer. He sat on the bed and tried to decide if he should change the sheets.

He spotted a picture that had him, Alex, and Amanda squeezed together. They were outside somewhere, and the trees were all a lush green. He couldn’t remember who took the picture of them. He looked at Alex and considered Robert. What was the point of devoting so much time to something that wasn’t serious? He supposed he liked that it was easy. He flipped the photo face down and said, “You know who you married, Alex.”

He puttered around in the kitchen and tried to decide what he’d make with Amanda as a bonding experience. He settled on cupcakes and took out the cupcake mix and a few different containers of icing. Cupcakes worked for dinner, right?

Robert knocked on the door, and Danny let him in. Robert carried a bottle of whiskey and two plastic cups. He said, “Felt weird just walking in.”

Danny closed and locked the door and motioned towards the bedroom. Robert did take a quick look around as he walked, and Danny regretted having the hookup here when he could have snuck some glances around Robert’s place in the light of the day. He wondered if an afternoon fuck was more or less embarrassing.

Robert walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed. He held out the cup to Danny and said, “I just remembered the best hangover cure.”

“Don’t stop drinking?”

Robert offered Danny a crooked smile. “Don’t stop drinking.”

Robert held out the whiskey bottle and waited for Danny’s response. Danny hesitated. He hadn’t had much to eat throughout the day, but he knew he could stop after one drink. He did love the taste of it on Robert’s tongue. “All right, yeah. Just a few fingers.”

Robert nodded and poured them both a few fingers. He set the bottle on the nightstand and raised the cup in a cheers. They clinked plastic cups and Danny sat down beside Robert. They both downed their drinks in one quick gulp. Danny felt warmer, and Robert started kissing his neck. Danny lifted off his shirt, and Robert followed suit - tossing his jacket and shirt onto the floor.

He pushed Danny back onto the bed. Spreading Danny’s legs with his own, Robert kissed him. Danny arched up against him and pressed his chest against Robert’s. Robert kissed down the center of his chest and started to pull Danny’s pants off of him. “I get hard just from thinking about eating you out,” Robert said, gently outlining Danny’s pussy through his boxer-briefs. “You’re so hot.”

Danny loved hearing it. He was so turned on he could barely think. Robert moved back upwards to kiss Danny again while teasing Danny through the fabric of his underwear. Danny was soaked. Danny slid his hands down the back of Robert’s pants to squeeze his ass. Against his mouth, Robert said, “I kept thinking about lifting you up onto the counter at the coffee shop and eating you out there. I didn’t want to wait.”

Robert watched his eyes, and Danny lied, “I kept thinking about giving you a blowjob under the table. I just want to suck your big cock for hours.”

Robert kissed him - hard. He pushed his fingers past the opening in his boxer-briefs and started to finger him. He flicked his tongue against Danny’s. Robert said, “It’s a good thing you didn’t.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Robert said, “because you wouldn’t have been able to suck me off for long. I would have pulled you onto my lap so you could ride me into next year.”

Danny rubbed Robert’s back as Robert curled two fingers inside of him. They hadn’t actually talked about penetration before, but Danny found the words just falling out of him. “I would have ridden you so slow,” he said. “I’d want to feel every inch curling inside of me.”

Robert smiled against him. “You’d really tease me in public?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I’d want everyone to see how good your huge cock feels.”

Robert pumped his fingers into him harder. Danny had a hard time keeping his breaths steady. Robert said, “Well then I’d have to take control.”

“You would?”

“Yeah, I’d bend you over and fuck you so hard the only words you’d say were, ‘More.’”

Danny asked, “Do you promise?”

Robert laughed and rolled them over so Danny was on top of him. He grabbed the lubricant and pulled off Danny’s underwear. “Sit on my face,” Robert said.

Danny straddled Robert’s head while gripping the headboard to make sure he didn’t put too much weight on him. Robert grabbed Danny’s hips and pulled him down more. He spread Danny’s pussy with his fingers and let his tongue press into him. He fingered him while his tongue curled around his clit. Danny panted openly, and Robert grabbed his hips as he pressed Danny’s pussy against his mouth. He curled his tongue inside of him before he pulled out to suck his clit. Danny stifled a few gasps, and he bucked against Robert’s mouth.

Robert released his hips and Danny turned his head to see Robert taking out his cock and pouring lubricants messily onto his hands. He jerked himself off as he continued eating out Danny. Danny wanted to turn around to suck him off, but when he tried, Robert’s hand went back onto his hip to keep him steady. So he admired the sight of Robert’s hand slowly moving along his shaft while Robert licked and sucked his pussy. 

Robert pulled away just enough to say, “Put a bit more pressure on me.”

Danny complied and lowered a bit more of his weight onto Robert. Pulling Danny against him, Robert flicked his tongue inside of him. Danny groaned, and Robert jerked himself off faster. Danny rocked his hips, and Robert gripped his ass, urging him to continue. Danny rode Robert’s face and eagerly watched Robert’s hand slide along his shaft. Something about Robert pleasuring himself while eating him out turned him on beyond belief. He wasn’t sure why, but he desperately wanted Robert to fuck him even though it could be a downgrade. He wanted Robert to fuck him until his cock was sore.

“Fuck me,” Danny gasped.

Danny tried to pull away, but Robert gripped his hip and sucked his clit. Danny cried out in pleasure and felt the edge of his climax. Robert pushed Danny up slightly to asked, “Do you have a dildo? I want you to come on my face, but if you want to be fucked-”

Danny was already in his nightstand drawer. He took his favourite out of a bag in his drawer and handed it to Robert. “Just - let me suck you off at least,” Danny said, desperate to taste the bead of semen on his cock.

“I want to hear you.”

“Then let me jerk you off,” Danny said.

“Next time,” Robert said. “I’m just - I’m really getting off on just focussing on you.”

Danny nodded. “All right, okay. Whatever you want.”

Robert freed his cock for a moment as he kissed Danny’s pelvis. He slowly pressed the dildo into him, and Danny arched into it. Robert started jerking himself off again as he pumped the dildo inside of Danny. Danny gripped the headboard tighter, gasping as Robert kept up the pace, both on the dildo and on his own cock. When Robert’s tongue worked his clit, he started groaning loudly again. It felt so good. Robert knew exactly what he was doing. Robert jerked himself off faster while Danny struggled to control himself.

Robert pounded the dildo into him as he sucked and licked his clit. Danny moved his hips faster while Robert twisted the dildo inside of him. Gripping the headboard, Danny groaned loudly again. Robert’s cock oozed with a few spurts splattering his jeans. Robert held the dildo in place with a few fingers while his thumb and tongue toyed with his clit together. Danny came loudly, and Robert pulled the dildo out before grabbing Danny’s ass with both hands, pulling his pussy against him as he finished Danny’s climax with his mouth. With his eyes squeezed shut, Danny shuddered against him. He arching his back as Robert drew out his orgasm.

Finally complete, Danny dropped down beside Robert with twitches of pleasure still shooting through him. Danny turned and asked, “Did you-“ and stopped short when he saw Robert wiping up his own orgasm with tissues. It was mostly along his stomach.

Robert chuckled. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Danny hesitated. Robert threw out the tissues and folded his arms behind his head. He looked satisfied. Danny rolled onto his side and asked, “Is this okay?”

“What’s ‘this’?”

“I feel weird,” Danny said. “Like I should be doing more.”

Robert shrugged. “You’ve just been seeing a lot of assholes.”

Danny didn’t have the heart to say he thought Robert was probably one of them. He cuddled up against Robert and draped his arm across Robert’s chest. Robert relaxed into his touch. He wrapped one arm around Danny while his hand rubbed Danny’s arm. Danny said, “I’d be really into riding your dick like we talked about – or giving you a blowjob. Just not in public.”

Robert didn’t reply, but he kept rubbing Danny’s arm. He made no motion to pull away from Danny.

Danny continued, “If you’re not ready to share that side of yourself with me, that’s fine. I can wait. I just want you to know I’m open to it.”

Robert turned his head to look at Danny and smiled softly. He lightly brushed Danny’s cheek with the back of his head. He still didn’t say anything.

Danny wished Robert had said something so he didn’t have to make such an awkward segue, but he simply said, “Okay, I’ve gotta piss.”

Robert laughed, and they parted as Danny slid off to the bathroom. He was happy with himself. He’d said his piece. He wished he could draw more out of Robert, but whatever. He didn’t feel his hangover anymore – why did throwing up always make him feel better? – and he had a good orgasm. Did he need anything else?

He tried not to think about Amanda being mad at him as he walked back into the bedroom to find Robert on his back looking at the photo Danny had flipped over. Danny was embarrassed, partly because he had bothered to flip it over, and partly because he wasn’t sure how Robert would interpret it. Did he consider himself just a boredom fuck or a shame fuck? Would he consider himself that now?

“This Alex?”

Danny said, “Yeah.”

Robert folded his arm behind his head and looked at it for a second longer before putting the picture frame back down, facedown. Robert asked, “Nap?”

“Yeah.”

Robert rolled onto his side and patted the spot in front of him. Danny didn’t feel like arguing to be the big spoon. “How about a nightcap?” Danny asked. “A napcap?”

“Sure.”

Danny poured them each two fingers of whiskey, and Robert sat up as they drank together. Robert stacked their cups together and put them on the nightstand. He pulled Danny against him, wrapping his arms around him before nuzzling into the back of his neck. Danny exhaled. He shifted, and Robert ultimately burrowed his head in between his shoulder blades with his fingers lightly pressing against Danny’s stomach. Robert’s stubble rubbed against his back.

It hurt how much it reminded him of Alex. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried not to think about it, but his only other thoughts were worries about Amanda and what it meant to be just fuck buddies with Robert. So his mind flitted back to Alex. The way his stubble would scratch against his back because he refused to grow out a proper, soft beard. The way his strong arms would coil around him with his hands against his stomach.

Danny covered his face as a memory hit him. He was pregnant with Amanda. He was struggling to get comfortable and Alex ended up exactly as Robert sat with him now. Alex rubbed his stomach while singing something sweet under his breath to the baby. Amanda wouldn’t stop kicking his hands, and despite how tired Danny was, he couldn’t stop laughing at the idea of Amanda trying to get Alex to shut up and leave her alone.

But Robert’s smell was all wrong, and somehow it made the feeling worse. He liked Robert’s smell just fine, but it was all too glaring that he fit like Alex, but wasn’t Alex. It ached. Danny tried not to cry. He had to stop drunk crying about his dead husband.

Robert loosened his grip and climbed over Danny so he could face him. He pulled Danny’s hands away enough to free his mouth and pecked his lips. Danny kept his eyes covered. Robert wrapped one arm around Danny to pull him closer before hooking his leg over his back. Robert put his forehead against Danny’s hands. His eyelashes fluttered against them.

He wasn’t sure why the thought hit him now, but Danny said, “You feel like this too, don’t you?”

Robert hesitated before replying, “Yeah.”

“How long ago did you lose them?”

Robert sighed. Danny thought he might pull away, but he didn’t. He stayed tangled around Danny. Danny didn’t dare move his hands in case it scared Robert away. Robert finally said, “Too long ago for it to still hurt this much.”

Danny laughed sharply. “I feel that.”

“At least you still have Amanda.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. 

He pulled his hands away and lightly wrapped them around Robert. Robert’s intense eyes just stared into him. Danny wished it was a bit darker so he wouldn’t see it quite so clearly. He thought he must look stupid, all teary eyed over a memory Robert hadn’t even heard, but Robert just watched him. His eyes softened.

Danny said, “Don’t let me fuck things up with her.”

Robert watched Danny for a moment longer and then rolled over and finally gave Danny full opportunity to be the big spoon. Robert pressed back into Danny and pulled his arms around him. He tucked his ass against Danny’s groin while leaving his head to fit against Danny’s lips. Danny squeezed him, and Robert hugged Danny’s arms against him.

*

Danny awoke slowly. He was still tangled in Robert’s arms. It was strange - most of the people he slept with were so used to sleeping alone that they naturally slept apart at some point in the night. He wondered how Robert always stayed glued to him, and it was funny considering how often Robert gave him a wide berth when they were in public. Danny quietly said, “I’ve gotta take a piss.”

Robert muttered, “Not here,” and held Danny tighter.

Danny laughed while assuming that Robert didn’t quite understand the situation. It woke Robert up a bit more - or enough for Danny to untangle himself. Danny slipped on his boxers and opened the bedroom door. Amanda had just been walking by, and she smiled until she noticed Robert still in Danny’s bed.

“Seriously Dad?”

“I’ve gotta pee, Panda. Give me two secs.”

Danny closed the bathroom door, internally panicking as he relieved himself in the bathroom. He washed his hands and found Amanda in the same spot when he came back out. Robert was now sitting up and trying to slide into his boxers without exposing himself. Danny stood in the doorway and said, “I had a bit of a morning.”

Robert said, “He broke a shitton of Mat’s dishes and threw up in the bathroom.”

Amanda said, “Okay.”

Danny smiled weakly and said, “And I’m a loser who lost track of time?”

Amanda just shrugged and started walking back to her room. “Whatever, dad.”

“Wait, I thought maybe we could make some cupcakes together.”

Amanda hesitated and said, “The three of us?”

“Oh, I was, uh, just thinking us. I mean, I guess Robert can stay-”

Robert came out of the bedroom fully clothed and walked out of the house without a word. Danny smiled and said, “Just us.”

Amanda shifted and said, “Did you really have to bring him back here?”

“It was stupid, I won’t do it again.”

“But you are going to do him again?”

“What? I don’t know,” Danny rubbed his face. “Could we just - could we make these cupcakes and talk?”

Amanda hesitated and then frowned, “I don’t want to.”

“Oh, um, okay.”

“I’ve got an overdue paper for Mr. Vega and he’s given me an extension, but that extension runs out tomorrow,” Amanda said. “He asked how you were doing and I told him you were sad and lonely.”

“What?”

“I was playing up the, ‘My home life is a wreck please give me more time,’ angle,” Amanda said. “And he told me to tell you that he still wants to get a cheese board. So forget the cupcakes and go out with him.”

“Won’t you need help?”

“I need you out of my hair,” Amanda said, “and if you’re out with Mr. Vega, I know you’ll be home at a decent hour.”

Danny laughed. Amanda furrowed her brow. “What?”

Danny said, “You’ve hired your English teacher to babysit me.”

Amanda said, “And I’m getting an extension because of it.” She tapped her nose with a slight smile. “I know what I’m doing.”

“I’m so proud,” Danny said. “What about dinner?”

“Leftover pizza,” Amanda said. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Amanda ducked away into her room. Danny messaged Hugo on Dadbook. The last time they hung out, he was stuck watching a bunch of middle schoolers. It wasn’t terrible, and Danny liked feeling productive, but it wasn’t exactly a dream. He hoped Mr. Vega would treat him to a glass of wine tonight.

Danny dressed and spotted the whiskey that Robert left on the nightstand. It looked like he hadn’t brought a new bottle, since there were only a few fingers left in it. At least, Danny hoped he hadn’t brought a new bottle or else they drank more than he thought. Danny finished the bottle and put it in recycling before he camped out on the couch. His nap seemed to shake off his hangover completely.

Amanda joined him briefly for dinner in front of the TV, but she avoided having much of a conversation with Danny - giving one word answers or pointing out what was happening on the screen. So Danny accepted defeat. She didn’t seem quite so angry anymore, but he almost wished she was when he decided she just seemed a bit numb. Amanda returned to her room, and a few minutes before Danny had to leave to meet Hugo, he went to the washroom to brush his teeth again, worried about any smell lingering on him. He wanted to be completely scentless.

He heard a noise from Amanda’s room. He hesitated and listened carefully. He recognized the sound of her crying. He went to her bedroom and knocked on the door, and she told him to go away. Despite how much he preferred to be left alone when he cried, he opened the door and pushed her for more information. She yelled at him to get out. An uneasy feeling set in his stomach as he closed the door.

He asked, “Do you want me to stay home?”

She snapped, “No!”

He hated the idea of leaving, but what was he going to do if he stayed? Listen to her cry from the living room? Turn the TV up to drown her out? He decided to follow through with his plans in the hopes of picking some information from Hugo.

The night went well - they bested Brian and Mat at trivia, and Mat assured Danny again he was fine for smashing some of his dishes. Danny shoved money in Mat’s pockets and sent a bottle of wine to their table. As the night wound down, Danny finally asked Hugo, “Have you noticed any changes in Amanda?”

Hugo frowned. “I did ask you the same thing a few weeks ago. Her grades are falling. I’m trying to cut her every break I can.”

Danny rubbed his face. “She’s just - she’s shutting me out. I haven’t exactly been dad of the year since the move, but I don’t think it’s just me. You haven’t seen anything?”

“Like what? Her doing drugs?” Hugo asked with a chuckle. “I haven’t even seen her around any kids that do anything close to that.”

“I think she’d tell me if it was drugs,” Danny said, rubbing the back of his head. “I just - I can’t figure out what she wouldn’t tell me.”

“Maybe she thinks you have too much on your plate to bother you with her problems.”

Danny laughed. “What do you think is on my plate?”

“Being unemployed. It’s no secret that you’re anxious about her going off to college,” Hugo said.

“I don’t think that’s too much,” Danny said.

Hugo shrugged. “Maybe she just feels like she needs to be strong for you.”

Danny wondered if that was the case, but he wasn’t eager to keep prodding Hugo. He didn’t really seem to have any extra insight, not that he expected Hugo to follow around his daughter all day. He changed the topic to pry about Hugo’s wrestling knowledge.

Danny returned home in good time, full of wine and relatively content. He went straight to Amanda’s room and knocked on the door. She was sitting on the floor with her laptop in front of her. She gave a half-hearted, “Yeah,” and he opened the door.

Danny asked, “How are you holding up?”

Amanda gave a short, “Fine.”

“I won’t push it,” Danny said, “I just wanted to say that I love you.”

Amanda started to cry, and Danny quickly hurried beside her to wrap his arms around her. She buried her face in his chest, and he gave her a good squeeze. He understood it completely. He often got so wrapped up in his own thoughts that sometimes any sign that someone cared about him was such a relief that he couldn’t help but cry. He put his head on top of Amanda’s and rubbed her back.

Despite her tears, she offered no insight into what made her upset. She asked him to tell her about his evening to cheer her up, so he told her about the trivia night. He reluctantly held back about Mr. Vega’s wrestling room. He desperately wanted to tell her, but feared what she’d do with the information. They sat together for a while, and Danny felt a bit more confident about his dadding skills. Eventually Amanda said she had to get back to work, and Danny let her be for the night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's Waits is [Anywhere I lay my head](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wy9mMnxee3E) which might be a better fit for one of the other chapters but I'm tired so whatever. Actually edited this on Monday, but then forgot to post it on Thursday. Ao3 please let me schedule updates.

A couple weeks passed. Robert didn’t openly avoid Danny, if Mary invited Danny along for drinks, usually Robert would join them instead of sitting alone at the bar, but he didn’t invite Danny back to his place. Danny shot him a few messages checking in, but they all went unreplied. Danny tried not to take it too personally - he had cried on him twice about his dead husband, after all. He also hadn’t straight-up asked Robert if he wanted to fuck. He wasn’t sure what was going on with him, and he felt a bit uncomfortable making a booty call.

Craig convinced Danny to work out with him every morning to try to prevent him from drinking so much that he’d be hung over the next day, but it just resulted in Danny being better at preventing hangovers and thus drinking more. Still, Danny didn’t hate the exercise, and while he was still painfully jealous of Craig and insecure about himself, he got some confidence at maintaining his body. And he still liked hanging out with Craig, even if the conversation was just surface.

He hung out regularly with Hugo and Mat, and the latter continued to let him help out among the shop, though he officially hired Pablo to work with him. Danny was a little insulted he hadn’t been offered a job, though his reaction came as a surprise. He never asked for a job, after all. With Pablo around, Mat needed Danny less, but he also had more time to just hang out.

Danny spent some time with Damien as well. They didn’t just mesh like Danny had expected. Damien spent a lot of time on his image and how people perceived him whereas Danny just existed and worried about it later. Danny had never been into makeup and his grooming had always been minimal. Getting a haircut and maintaining it was hard enough on its own. It was almost strange, meeting someone who had been through so much of the same thing and they were still fundamentally different people. He didn’t judge Damien for it, they were just different people.

Their most common ground was IT, and usually their conversation devolved into that. Damien focussed more on software while Danny’s specialization was hardware, but they had enough common ground to keep a conversation going, and they both had terrible experiences with customer support they could share and commiserate over.

Mary often joined them as well. Somehow she broke most of the tension and ice, and they shared countless child-rearing stories. Mary was a bit different around Damien than she was around Robert. She didn’t let herself wallow quite so easily, and she shared proud and fun moments with her creepy kids that Danny had a hard time imagining. Danny was finding his place in the cul-de-sac, and he was feeling more comfortable there.

Danny tried to spend more time with Amanda, but she continued to keep him at arm’s length about whatever was bothering her. Otherwise, she seemed to be back to normal around him. He just was careful not to pry. Still, he was happy with the time he got with her, and she was still eager to hang out with Daisy when they went fishing with her and Brian. He was warming up to Brian, though it helped that Brian covered for him when he fell into the lake like a classic idiot.

So he did the courteous thing and went over to Brian’s on the weekend to mention how long his grass was getting and that it would probably start to embarrass the neighbours. It was time for Brian to pay up for his devastating loss in minigolf.

Brian brought over his mower, after calling Danny’s an out-dated travesty, and told him he wouldn’t listen to Danny’s requests since Danny obviously knew nothing about maintaining a lawn. Danny responded with, “I have a uniform I require all my employees wear. Take off your shirt.”

Brian watched Danny for a moment and then took off his shirt.

“That’s your uniform,” Danny said.

Brian laughed and said, “At least let me wear some sunscreen. You’ve seen my complexion. I’ll catch fire.”

“Oh, I brought sunscreen,” Danny said, tossing him a can of a high-rated spray-on kind. “I bought it just for you, my pasty, freckled friend.”

Brian sprayed best he could, and asked Danny to cover his back. Danny took time to admire it as he carefully coated his back, the back of his neck, and the back of his legs. “I think you’re good.”

“You didn’t spell something out with sunscreen, right?”

Danny laughed. “No, I swear.”

“Good,” Brian said, “because I mean it’d be funny, but also I’ll burn up and it’ll be painful.”

“Don’t worry,” Danny said.

Brian tossed the sunscreen back to him and put on his hat. “I’ll start with the front.”

Danny took a seat on the porch, and Brian watched him. “Are you really just going to watch?”

“Yeah.”

“So this isn’t a time saver,” Brian said.

“Nope.”

Brian nodded. “All right. I was serious when I said I wasn’t going to listen to you.”

“With that shit mower, you wouldn’t hear me anyway,” Danny said. “And remember I haven’t lived here long enough to really revitalize this lawn, so most of your insults aren’t going to hurt.”

Brian rolled his eyes and started the mower. Danny basked in the sun as he watched Brian while listening to the hum of the mower. His victory was extremely sweet. He noticed Robert walking up the cul-de-sac, and Robert stopped when he saw Brian. When he looked at Danny, Danny gave Robert a nod, not expecting anything in return. Robert stood for a moment and then went to his house, a bit quicker than his normal, cool-guy pace.

Danny didn’t think much of it, but moments later, Robert was back out, carrying a cooler with him. Danny was surprised when Robert put the cooler behind them and sat next to Danny on the steps. He opened the cooler and drew out two beers. He offered one to Danny, who nodded, and used a bottle opener on his keychain to open both. He handed Danny his own.

The pair drank quietly for some time, but when Brian finally noticed, he stopped mowing and turned off the mower. “I’m getting an audience,” he said.

“I’m just making sure everyone knows about my victory,” Danny said.

“Wait, what victory?” Robert asked. “I thought Brian was showing you how to fix your shitty lawn.”

Brian laughed, and when Danny puffed up, he spotted Robert giving him a crooked smile. He knew exactly what he was doing - asshole. Brian returned to mowing, and Robert said, “Brian doesn’t usually do yard work with his shirt off. Not with that complexion.”

“I told him it was a uniform,” Danny said. “Don’t worry, he’s all sun screened up.”

“You didn’t feel weird blatantly objectifying him like that?”

Danny hesitated. “Not until you said that.”

“It’s kind of weird.”

“Aren’t you here to check him out too?” Danny asked.

“Well, yeah.”

“Do you want me to tell him to put his shirt on?”

“No,” Robert said. “I’m just saying it’s rude. What could you do to make him feel a bit less like an object and make him feel more at home?”

Danny watched Brian and admired the sweat rolling off his back. He turned back to Robert. “Oh my god, you’re trying to get me to take off my shirt too.”

“What? No.”

“You totally are,” Danny said. He set down his beer and took off his shirt. He tried to replicate Robert’s gruff voice as he said, “What could you do to make him feel a bit less like an object?”

Robert smirked at him. “You did still take off your shirt.”

“You’re next.”

“I’m not taking off my shirt.”

Danny said, “It’s hot as balls out here and you’re wearing a leather jacket.”

“Yeah.”

Danny just shrugged. He wasn’t going to fight him on it. He continued drinking his beer, and Robert let out an audible sigh as he took off his jacket and then his shirt. He put his sunglasses on. Despite sleeping with Robert, he hadn’t actually seen him shirtless with proper lighting. He suspected Robert hadn’t really seen him either. They took a second glancing at each other as they both pieced together their memories of each other. Robert had a nasty scar on his chest that Danny didn’t want to ask about, so Danny turned his attention back to Brian.

When Brian noticed they’d taken off their shirts, he gave them both a thumbs up. A few minutes later, Amanda and Daisy came up the cul-de-sac. Amanda shouted, “What’s happening over there?”

“We’re having a shirtless party,” Danny shouted back.

“Gross!” Amanda shouted. “We’re staying at Daisy’s!”

“Good!” Danny replied. “We’re going to make sure Brian stays adequately sunscreened and hydrated.”

“Beer dehydrates you!”

“We have water for Brian!”

Amanda and Daisy went into Brian’s house. Danny said to Robert, “Do we have any water?”

“Fuck no.”

Danny waved to Brian, and Brian turned off the mower. Brian said, “I’m going to do the sides, so you might as well move to the backyard and we’ll catch up then.”

“Sure. Do you want some water? I can grab some and meet you around back.”

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

Brian went back to mowing, and Danny asked, “You okay to move this out back?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “Can I take a piss first?”

“Sure.”

Carrying the cooler, Robert followed Danny inside. He made his way to the bathroom as Danny poured a glass of water for Brian and piled in some ice. Danny grabbed his own pair of sunglasses. He noticed Robert checking out family photos as he came out of the bathroom, and Danny decided not to call him on it. He set the glass of water on the concrete patio in the backyard, rescued their beers from the front yard. When he went back inside, he noticed Robert had moved the cooler into the backyard.

Danny handed Robert his beer before sitting down beside him. When Brian came around, he turned off the mower and stopped for water. “I’ll take one of those after,” Brian said, pointing to the cooler.

“You deserve it,” Danny said.

Brian downed his glass of water and a few droplets hung in his beard. Danny offered to sunscreen him again, and then Brian returned to work. Danny said to Robert, “I can give you some cash for the beers.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Robert said. “Can I borrow your phone for a sec? My battery is dead.”

“Sure.”

Danny unlocked his phone and handed it to Robert. He leaned back and simply watched Brian work. He wouldn’t have admitted it, but Brian was doing a good job, and he kept taking breaks to check on Danny’s trees. Danny hadn’t bothered doing much with garden and thought it’d be a good project for when Amanda was away at school. Robert handed Danny back his phone, and Danny slid it into his pocket. Robert offered Danny another beer, and Danny finished the dredges of his own off to accept it.

A few moments later, Mary came into the backyard. “I heard we’re having a party,” she said with a bottle of wine in each hand.

“It’s a shirtless party,” Robert said.

Mary set down her wine and Danny started, “You don’t have-”

But Mary had already taken off her shirt. She wore a perfect, black lace bra. Danny was impressed by her confidence. Her stomach was a little soft and she had a lot of stretchmarks. He loved it. She threw her sweater at Robert and grabbed the sunscreen. Robert folded her sweater and put it on the table. Mary sprayed herself, and she pulled her hair over her shoulder as Robert sprayed her back. She sat down at the table.

Danny went inside and grabbed her a few wineglasses and a bottle opener, and she offered him a smile as he returned. They watched Brian as Mary opened her wine and poured herself a glass. Swirling her wine, she said, “He’s not really my type, but I can appreciate what you two are here for.”

Danny said, “Please, I’m just here to celebrate my victory. I’m getting nothing out of this aside from a mowed lawn.”

Mary laughed and shoved him. She said, “You’re looking good, by the way. All that exercise with Kale really shows.”

“I’ve still got the belly,” Danny said, squeezing his stomach. “Must be the drinking.”

“I’m an arms girl anyway,” Mary said, squeezing his arm. “Not that you didn’t have enough before.”

Danny smiled and said, “Thanks.”

He heard a “Hello?” as someone walked around back. It was Hugo. “Hey,” Danny said. “Come join us.”

Hugo took the fourth seat on the patio, and Robert said, “This is a shirtless party.”

“What?” Hugo said. He quickly looked around. “Oh.” 

Hugo started to unlayer, and Mary squeezed Danny’s arm as she whispered, “It’s happening.”

Danny nodded eagerly. Hugo neatly folded each piece of clothing. His jacket. His tie. His cardigan. His shirt. When he hit his undershirt, Mary said, “How many clothes do you need?”

Hugo frowned and took off his undershirt. Fuck, he was built like a wall. Danny openly admired Hugo’s broad frame. Hugo tied more of his hair back. Danny asked, “What brought you around?”

Hugo looked out at Brian and said, “I saw your Dadbook message.”

“What?”

Danny checked his phone. Robert had updated his profile picture to one of him on the deck and posted the status update, “Having a shirtless dad party. All invited.”

Danny frowned and checked his recent texts. There was one to Mary. “Think I can get Hugo’s shirt off. Come to Danny’s ASAP. -Robert, not Danny”

Danny looked up and saw both Mary and Robert grinning at him. Hugo said, “So why is Brian mowing your lawn? Did your mower finally break?”

“Finally?” Danny asked. “I beat him at minigolf and we bet whoever won would have to mow the other’s lawn.”

“He probably let Danny win so he could fix up his lawn,” Robert said.

“Guys, I just moved in,” Danny said. “Give me a break. Besides I’m sharing my victory with you. Isn’t that enough?”

“Hugo, did you want a drink?” Mary asked.

“Well, it’s 11am.”

“Finally a socially acceptable hour,” Robert said. 

He quickly finished his bottle and opened one for himself and another for Danny. Danny finished his own and starting nursing the next one. Mary offered her wine to Hugo. Hugo shook his head. “Could I get a glass of water?” Hugo asked.

“Sure,” Danny said. “Be right back.”

Danny went inside and fixed his Dadbook profile. He worried about Craig catching him drinking before noon, and he didn’t want Damien to feel pressured to take his shirt off around the others. Danny grabbed Hugo a glass of water with ice and stepped back outside. He handed it to him, and he spotted Joseph eyeing the party.

That made him nervous. The only time he’d been around both Joseph and Mary, they argued openly, and Joseph had sent him a few friendly messages suggesting they spend more time together which Danny dodged. “Hey,” Joseph said, coming onto the patio. “What’re we doing?”

“Celebrating Danny’s victory,” Mary said.

Joseph said, “You’re not wearing a shirt.”

“None of us are,” Mary said.

“That exercise sure has been kind to you,” Joseph said to Danny.

“I feel like I’m dying every day,” Danny said, “but I guess so long as I look good.”

“You do it to spend time with Craig, don’t you?” Hugo asked.

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I was just joking.”

Joseph reached out for the beer and said, “Hey could I have one of those?”

“Who’s watching the kids?” Mary asked. “Because I remember you saying you were taking care of it until 1.”

Joseph exhaled. “Right. I thought you were volunteering.”

“I was, and now I’m volunteering to help Danny.”

Joseph folded his arms across his chest. “And what does Danny need help with?”

“Celebrating his victory.”

Danny noticed Robert shift uncomfortably in his seat. He looked like he was ready to leave. Joseph pinched the bridge of his nose and then put on a bright smile. “All right. Have a good time, honey,” Joseph said.

He took Mary’s unopened wine bottle with him as he left. Robert’s upper lip raised in disgust. An uneasy silence settled over them as Mary downed her glass of wine. Brian stopped the mower and came up onto the deck. “I think I’m done,” he said. “Ready to inspect?”

“Sure,” Danny said.

The other three followed behind as Brian showed off his work. Danny continued drinking, but was impressed. Maybe he did need a new mower. “This is a decent job for such a shitty mower.”

Brian said, “I’ll be happy to mow it for you next time. Your yard is so small compared to mine, it takes no time at all.”

Brian wiped some sweat off his brow. Danny frowned. Brian added, “Your trees could use some pruning.”

“Yes, well, thanks for the help.”

“Your patio needs to be fixed too,” Brian said.

Everyone followed him back to the patio with Danny a few steps behind, fuming. He downed his beer bottle and tossed it into the grass. Brian said, “We could make it a summer project. I’d be happy to help.”

Danny wondered how much of Brian’s bullshit he’d have to put up with. He did need his patio fixed. The cracks were getting a little out of control. “Yeah, it was the only downside to this place - knowing I’d have to fix the patio in the next few years.”

Brian said, “I’m surprised anything’s level on there.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Didn’t stop me from buying it.”

“It’ll take some time to fix it.”

“I don’t really want to start any big projects right now. I’d rather focus on Amanda.”

Brian said, “I really don’t mind helping. I could get a few guys involved. I’m sure they’d be happy to wear the required uniform.”

Danny rubbed the back of his head. Hugo said, “If it’s during the summer, I’ll have some free time. I could help out.”

Danny exhaled. “All right. Sure.”

They walked back onto the deck, and Danny grabbed an extra chair from the garage to sit on. Robert moved over so Danny could slide in beside him. So he sat between Robert and Hugo. Danny opened another beer. Brian and Hugo discussed ideas for the patio with Danny half-listening and nodding to their ideas. The estimates Brian was spilling out made him uneasy. He knew Brian was giving him a massive discount, but it still wasn’t pocket change.

He noticed Robert and Mary were texting each other. He heard a chirp from his phone, half-expecting a message from them. Mat wrote, “Saw your pic from earlier. Party still on?”

“Kind of. Brian and Hugo are redesigning my backyard, apparently.”

“The patio?”

“Yeah, but Brian is talking about stone paths and sometimes extending that cesspool of a pond I have. It’s just not in my budget. I’ve tried telling him.”

“It’s your backyard, dude.”

“I’ll just let him talk for now. He wouldn’t start anything without my OK.”

“That’s true. So should I pop by or not?”

Danny looked up to see Robert watching him. He looked down at his phone and tried to decide. If Mat came, that would be it. Mary and Robert would talk. Brian and Hugo would talk. And he’d talk to Mat. He didn’t mind, it just added some finality to the day.

Danny typed, “I don’t know. I’m getting a weird vibe. Robert will tell you to take off your shirt.”

“You’ll get to see my tats,” Mat said. “I could use some Vitamin D.”

Danny didn’t really want to say no. “If you want to come, come on over. We can hang out if people start leaving.”

Mat said, “I want to come. I want to talk to you when you have a minute.”

“Okay. Mary has to go at 1, so I figure Robert will leave soon after.”

Mat just replied, “See you soon.”

He saw a new message from Craig. “What time was it when that photo was taken? You’re holding a beer.”

Danny just replied, “Thanks dad.”

Craig typed, “It’s a little early.”

Danny replied, “I’ve been nursing the same one. Don’t worry. I’ve been good the past few weeks.”

Craig replied, “Sorry. I just worry sometimes.”

“I’m fine, it’s okay.”

Danny frowned. Both he and Craig definitely drank too much in College, and Alex did convince Danny to give up a lot of it after graduation, but to his knowledge, it had never been such a large issue that Craig had to worry. Hell, Danny had to worry more about Craig than Craig ever did about him.

Mary said, “The life of the party, on his phone.”

Danny said, “You two are texting each other!”

“We’re not,” Mary said, casually turning to her wine glass.

“You clearly are. You keep waiting for each other’s reactions and laughing together.”

“It’s a coincidence,” Robert said.

Danny snatched the phone out of Robert’s hand, but Robert grabbed him by the wrist. He was surprised at how roughly Robert grabbed him. Robert snarled, “Give it back.”

Danny dropped the phone right away. Both Hugo and Brian had stopped talking. Robert put his phone in his pocket and folded his arms across his chest. Danny dropped the conversation and said, “Mat’s coming too, so I’m going to grab another chair.”

Danny tried to relax as he walked into the garage. Robert had used his phone to start a party using his Dadbook account. He wasn’t sure what his problem was with Danny just looking at the phone. He was worried Robert and Mary were shit talking him. He looked down at his body - his scars, his stretchmarks, his gut, his body hair. There was certainly shit to talk about.

When he came back out, he found Mat arriving at the same time. Mat said, “Hey.”

Robert said, “Shirt’s off if you’re staying.”

While Mat took off his jacket and shirt, Mary said, “Can I invite Dames? Looks like he missed the memo.”

No one made any move to give Mat space in the circle. “Sure,” Danny said, “but warn him about the shirts-off policy. I’m not sure he’ll be comfortable with it. He can keep on his binder.”

Mary nodded thoughtfully. Danny folded his own chair and positioned both him and Mat on the lawn. Danny grabbed another beer for Mat and opened it with his own keychain. Mat said, “Thanks.”

“Just realized we’re going to get grass on our feet,” Danny said.

“I don’t mind,” Mat said. “You finally get Brian to mow your lawn.”

“Yeah,” Danny said.

“It looks good,” Mat replied. “I assume this is all a result of you getting him to do it without a shirt on.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Robert showed up and lectured me on objectifying him and I realized it was just a scam to take my shirt off, but I did it anyway.”

Mat turned around to look at the group. “We’re a handsome bunch. No Craig?”

“I figure he’s busy. Mary’s messaging Damien. I just - I didn’t want to pressure him.”

“Yeah for sure.”

The pair drank quietly for a moment. Mat said, “So, hey, uh, you had told me about being trans, but I hadn’t seen the scars before. Was it cool of Robert to just post a picture like that?”

Danny looked down at the scars from his top surgery. “I mean, no, probably not. I honestly didn’t think about it until you mentioned it.” 

“So everyone else knows?”

Danny thought about it. “I guess Hugo didn’t. No, he did. Amanda told him. Robert knew, Mary knew since we talked about childbirth stuff -”

“So you had Amanda.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I, uh, held off on transitioning for her.”

“And Brian knew?”

“I fell in a lake, Brian fished me out, and I took off my shirt then without thinking. Brian had a lot of questions, but we’re good. Everyone seems pretty knowledgeable.”

“Yeah,” Mat said. “I just – I had a couple questions, but it never feels right to just ask you. Like, how do I ask questions about it?”

“Uh, listen, I haven’t had enough to drink to talk about this stuff right now.”

“Oh – yeah okay,” Mat said. “I don’t mean to pressure you at all.”

“I just mean - like, Alex’s still hard to talk about. You get it.”

“Yeah, yeah I get it,” Mat said. “Sorry-”

“No, don’t apologize. We should have talked about it more when we were getting high on oregano,” Mat laughed, and Danny continued, “but I didn’t want to change the conversation to myself, you know? I didn’t want you to think I was trying to one-up your hardship.”

Mat smiled and nudged him. “Thanks.”

“Another time when it’s just us, okay? Just be like, ‘Hey, can we talk about this yet?’ and I’ll let you know,” Danny said.

“Sure, sounds good.”

“So tell me about every single one of your tattoos,” Danny said, watching the way they curled across his chest. “Wait, first tell me how many I can’t see.”

Mat laughed. The party wound down pretty quickly, and it had gone down as Danny expected with everyone pairing off into their own separate conversations. Danny did feel better after talking to Mat, like he usually did. After Robert grabbed his phone like that, he was happy Mat had pushed to stop in. After Mary left, Robert said he’d be leaving too. Brian suggested they move over to his place for a late lunch so he could barbeque. Everyone started grabbing their shirts and layers and started to leave. 

“I’m just going to help Robert move his cooler back to his place,” Danny said. “I’ll be there in a few.”

Mat offered him a wave, and Danny followed Robert and the cooler inside. Robert set his sunglasses on top of the cooler and Danny put his on the table next to the door. Danny grabbed his shirt, but Robert took it out of his hand and threw it aside. He pushed Danny back against the door and kissed him. Danny put his hand on Robert’s chest to gently push him away. Danny said, “I don’t understand what’s going on.”

“I was thinking I’d give you a quick fuck so you can stand being at that barbeque without me and Mary.”

Robert pushed against him again, but Danny stopped him again. “No, I mean between us.”

“I just told you.”

“You ignore me for weeks and practically scream at me for touching your phone. I’m fine with being fuck buddies or whatever, but half the time I don’t know if you can even stand to be around me.”

“You want to know if you’re available to fuck someone else? Like that barista or the nerd?”

“No. I want to know what we’re doing so I don’t wonder whether or not you can stand me if I’m not sitting on your face.”

“I came over today, didn’t I?”

“That was to look at Brian and then you invited everyone in the cul-de-sac to join us. It also doesn’t answer my question.”

“Do we need a label?”

“No,” Danny said.

“Then we’re just using each other, aren’t we? We’re fucking each other because it feels good and nothing matters about us outside of that.”

“I mean I didn’t think this was going to blossom into a grand romance, but I do care about you - like as a human being. It’s weird when you openly avoid me. I mean I’ve had fuck buddies and one night stands and I don’t know what this is. Are we even friends?”

Robert kissed him again. He grabbed Danny’s ass to push his body against him. Danny kissed back and he waited for a break to talk to him again. It wasn’t a great kiss. Robert had pulled them together so quickly their noses smushed together. Robert said against his lips, “Do you want to talk or do you want to fuck?”

“I think I’ve made it very clear I want to talk.”

Robert kissed him harder this time as he slid his hands down the back of Danny’s pants. Danny shoved him away. Danny asked, “Is this you telling me you only want sex?”

“This is me trying to prove that you only want sex,” Robert said.

Danny’s shoulders slackened. “Wait, is that what this is about? How I see you?”

“I just don’t get you,” Robert said. “You’re closed off one second and vulnerable the next. And I keep wondering why you’ll show me little slivers of yourself. What the fuck do you want from me?”

“I want to be friends,” Danny said. “I don’t really consider myself a closed off person at all.”

“You’re just fucking with me.”

“What? No. I wouldn’t do that.”

Robert approached him, furious. “You have everyone wrapped around your finger - even Mary,” Robert said. “Don’t act like you don’t see it. Everyone’s bending over backwards for you.”

“That’s just - I just moved here. People are being nice-”

“You and I are just using each other,” Robert said, sharply. “That’s it.”

Danny hesitated. Somehow the conversation had turned into a minefield and he wasn’t sure what had changed. He firmly said, “I didn’t mean to make you feel used. Truly. I-”

“Well I did mean to make you feel used,” Robert said, sharply. “You’re just a fuck to me.”

“Oh, um, all right. Okay.”

“That’s where we stand.”

Danny felt himself shrinking. “Yeah, okay.”

Robert smiled a bit smugly, clearly satisfied with himself. He stared Danny down for a minute and then put his shirt on. Danny was a little stunned. Part of him didn’t even really believe what Robert said to him. He wasn’t really angry - or even sad. He just - he felt empty. “Robert, I-”

Robert turned around. He suddenly looked very tired, and Danny felt tired too.

Danny said, “I wouldn’t have hurt you.”

Robert softly said, “Fuck you.”

He tossed his jacket on the cooler and grabbed the cooler as he left. Danny sat on the couch for a minute. He rubbed his face. He wasn’t sure he could go to the barbeque and pretend that what Robert had said didn’t shake him. He didn’t understand what happened - what had changed. Christ, he wanted a drink, but Mary was watching her kids and Robert wasn’t an option.

He pulled out his phone and opened a message to Craig. He stared at it for a full minute and then closed it. He saw a message from Mat: “Need any help?”

Danny hesitated. He needed a lot of help. He practiced smiling for a minute, having conversations in his head to see if he could fake friendliness. It didn’t work. He replied to Mat, “Feeling a little overheated. Can you tell the guys I’m not going to make it?”

Mat replied, “Sure. Make sure to drink lots of water.”

Danny replied, “I will.”

Danny went back outside and cleaned up the empty beer bottles. He was disappointed that Mary had finished off the wine bottle, but it felt good putting all the bottles in the recycling bin. Out of sight and out of mind. He poured himself a glass of water and drank at the sink. He thought about showering. He thought about going to bed. His feet were covered in grass.

He checked his phone and sent a message to Amanda: “Are you staying for the barbeque?”

She replied, “Yeah. Is overheated code for fucking Robert?”

“No. I’m really not feeling well.”

Amanda said, “Then I’ll bail. Let’s watch TV. Want me to grab anything?”

“I think I’m good. Maybe we’ll order something in later. I’m just going to hop in the shower.”

“Sounds good! See you in a few!”

Danny smiled. He knew he’d feel better with Amanda next to him on the couch.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been combining chapters to keep updates pretty long, so the number of chapters are just an estimate and likely to get lower as I finish stuff up!   
> Song for this chapter is [Buzz Fledderjohn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5jzpZRZ5OA).

Danny had trouble sleeping. Amanda had yet to open up to him, and despite his friends inviting him to the barbeque and him declining, he felt increasingly isolated. Part of him knew he was isolating himself, but it was still hard to reason with himself. His phone chirped beside him and he looked at it. It was well after 1 in the morning, but it wasn’t like he was going to fall asleep anytime soon.

He saw a message from Mary: “hey”

Danny frowned. It was unlike her. Even drunk, she tended to only text when she had something to say. If she just wanted to gossip, she’d call so there wouldn’t be a record of what she said. Danny replied, “Hey?”

There was no reply. Danny set his phone down and tried to fall back to sleep. He kept wondering about the message and watched the ceiling. About twenty minutes later, he opened his phone again and typed, “Mary? Everything okay?”

Danny’s gut told him it had been Robert shooting him a message on her phone, but he wasn’t sure if that thought was selfish or a fantasy. He was tempted to get dressed and head down to the bar to make sure she was all right, on the off-chance his gut was wrong.

A few minutes later he got a message from Mary. “Yeah. You up?”

Danny replied, “Yeah.”

She replied, “I’ll meet you on the front porch.”

Danny pinched the bridge of his nose and got up. He decided his pyjama pants were adequate and threw on an old t-shirt before walking out. Mary was already sitting on the steps of his porch. Danny joined her. Mary’s shoes were next to her. She looked tired, and based on the way she swayed, she’d definitely had a bit to drink. Danny put his arm around her, and she smiled at him.

“You’re a good egg,” Mary said.

“I try.”

“Listen, Robert and me - we’re really fucked up.”

“I know.”

“You shouldn’t have slept with Robert.”

“I know.”

Mary laughed weakly and said, “I kind of wish you had slept with me instead. Things would be fucked up, but at least we could have talked about it.”

Danny kissed her temple and she gripped the front of his shirt. Danny said, “I wish I had too.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“You looked pretty broken,” Danny said, “and I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about me being trans.”

Mary said, “I keep thinking it wouldn’t have been weird between us, but after seeing you and Amanda, I think I would have put up walls.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Mary said. “You’ve got it easy - just one kid, but you’re good at it. This mothering thing, some days it feels like it’s not for me, but it’s rare when you’re not a dad first, you know? Even when you crash at Robert’s, you’re ready to go back to her in the morning. I think I’d be intimidated.”

Danny laughed. “I don’t really consider myself intimidating.”

Mary didn’t laugh, and she didn’t quite look at him either. “You’re just - you’re so sure of who you are.”

“Mary, I’m unemployed. My last long-standing relationship was with my husband. My oldest friend and I go jogging every day and we don’t even talk about anything. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.”

“You’re a dad.”

Danny softened. “Yeah. That’s true.”

“We talked about taking you out tonight,” Mary said. “We thought, let’s just the three of us pile in Robert’s truck and see where we go.”

“Yeah?”

Mary nodded. “That’s when Robert messaged you. Then we decided you wouldn’t leave your kid behind, so we abandoned the plan.”

“You’d leave your kids behind?”

“I don’t know,” Mary said. “No. Not for long. But I’d love a week long bender with a handsome stranger.” Mary looked at her fingers and said, “The difference between us - between me and Robert and you - is that you were embarrassed to tell us that story of leaving your daughter behind. And that’s just - that’s Robert’s whole life, and most days I wish it was mine too.”

“Mary-”

“Craig makes you feel like shit, right? Because he crawled out of the bottle and he’s successful and handsome and available and everyone wants a piece of him.”

Danny nodded. He’d mentioned it to her before, in confidence.

Mary continued, “Well, sometimes that’s how you make me and Robert feel. You’ve literally changed to be the person you want to be and, sure, you’ve fucked up, but you still know who you want to be.”

“I didn’t mean to-”

“Just like Craig doesn’t mean to with you,” Mary said.

She sighed and stood up. Danny thought about standing up too. He handed Mary her shoes. He saw lights on at Robert’s place. Mary said, “I know this is a lot to ask but - I need some space. Can you - is there a way to ask for it that won’t hurt your feelings?”

It already hurt. Danny said, “I mean, you’re my only friend around here.”

Mary scoffed. “Everyone loves you.”

“But I like myself best when I’m around you.”

“That’s because my shitty life makes you feel better about yourself,” Mary said.

That cut deep. He hesitated for a minute and watched her. He asked, “Is that really what you think?”

Mary softened. “No. Sometimes, mostly no.”

Danny rubbed the back of his neck. “All right. I mean, whatever you want Mary. I’ll just - I’ll do whatever you want.”

Mary nodded softly, she started walking away, but she stopped and turned around. “What did you mean when you said something like I was you in another life?”

“Oh, Alex wanted more kids. We originally talked about two, but when I was pregnant, he kept pushing up the number.” Danny hesitated. He remembered when he felt like he could go along with it, and he remembered fighting with Alex about it when he realized he couldn’t. He finally said, “I mean, it’s not the same situation, but - I just - I know what it’s like to put someone else’s needs in front of yours for so long that they just get used to it and it starts to eat away at you.”

Mary watched Danny for a moment, and he watched her back. He thought she’d laugh or somehow make light of the situation, but she just said, “Yeah, I feel that.” When she started walking away again, she added, “I’ll see you later, sailor.”

Danny stayed on the porch for a few minutes. He wondered how bad of an idea it would be to take up smoking again. He’d been missing it a lot lately. He leaned back on the porch steps and tried to see the stars through the light pollution. He wasn’t sure what to do next. He felt the most comfortable around Mary - she was blunt and honest and he knew she’d tell him off if he said something that pissed her off. He had trouble reading what the others wanted from him, if they even wanted friendship.

“Dad?”

Danny turned. “Hey Panda. What’re you doing up?”

Amanda stood in the doorway in her pyjamas. She didn’t look like she’d just woken up, and Danny wouldn’t have been surprised to find out she’d been up late working. “I came to get a glass of water and saw you on the porch. What’s going on? Were you hanging out with Robert?”

“I was talking to Mary. I guess neither of them want to be friends with me anymore.”

“What?”

Danny shrugged. “Whatever. It happens.”

“How - how can you just shrug it off?”

Danny laughed weakly. “Do you want me to have an emotional breakdown in front of you?”

Danny softened as he saw Amanda start to tear up. He stood up as Amanda hugged herself and said, “Kind of.”

“Let’s go inside and talk,” Danny said.

Amanda hugged him tightly and buried her face in his chest. She was crying. He told himself to be patient. He did math in his head to try to keep from crying too. “I don’t have any friends,” Amanda said.

It all fell into place in Danny’s mind quickly. Why Amanda had been sad lately. Why she had wanted to spend so much time with him. Why she also was pushing him away. He asked, “What happened?”

Danny and Amanda moved back inside, and Danny made some hot chocolate as Amanda explained the situation to him. She kept emphasizing that it was stupid teenager or high school things, and Danny asked questions but generally waited until she was finished. Danny emphasized that her feelings were valid - that even if it feels like dumb shit, the fact that it hurt her doesn’t make it any less real. He told her about how your friends change and shift as you grow older, and sometimes it’s a gradual thing and sometimes it’s a sharp cut like this.

Danny asked, “Is that what you’ve been struggling with? I can’t imagine how hard it is to go to school every day and being so alone.”

Amanda didn’t immediately reply. She softly said, “Yeah. I wish - I wish I had told you sooner.”

“Christ, I’ve been such a mess lately-”

“But you’ve always been there for me,” Amanda said. “I never really doubted it. Part of me knew if I called, you’d drop everything for me. It was just,” she paused, searching for the words, “really hard, I guess.”

Danny put his arm around her and exhaled. “You’ve been such a little adult for so long - I think I forget you haven’t experienced so much yet.”

Amanda laughed. “It sucks.”

“What can I do?” Danny asked.

“Nothing. Even if you could bully my friends into being friends with me, I’m not sure I want them back if they’re like this.”

“I could talk to Mr. Vega - see if we can get you more extensions, or at least get you out of group work.”

“God, dad, is there anything more pathetic than that?” Amanda said with a laugh. “Having a teacher know that not only are you friendless but that your dad asked them for help.”

Danny laughed. “Sorry.”

Amanda’s smile faded. “Hey, uh.”

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes - sometimes I don’t go to you with this stuff because, well, you’ve been through a lot and you always give me advice and try to fix things. Sometimes I just need to complain, dad. And sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed when you’ve been through something similar, just worse. I know you never say it in a way to overshadow what I’m going through, and sometimes it keeps me grounded, but-” Amanda let out a noise in frustration. “I don’t know. Just forget it.”

“No,” Danny said. “No, that’s good to know. How about I’ll try to ask from now on - do you want advice or are you just getting it off your chest?”

Amanda nodded. “Okay.”

“And you can ask me - is this something that’s happened to you. I won’t just steamroll you with my own story-”

“Dad, it’s never felt like steamrolling. It’s a weird complaint because it’s in my head.”

Danny laughed and Amanda looked surprised. He kissed her temple and said, “No, I know exactly how you feel, even if you don’t want to hear through I’ve gone through the same thing.”

Amanda laughed in response.

“You’re 100% my kid, Panda.”

Amanda smiled and relaxed into the crook of Danny’s arm. Danny kissed her temple. After a few moments of silence, Amanda asked, “Hey, what traits do I have that are dad’s?”

Danny didn’t hesitate. “Your sense of adventure - I’ve always been a homebody. Usually I just let myself get caught up in other people’s adventures. I’m more of a follower than a leader, but you’re 100% a leader. People get caught up with you. Both of us had pretty active imaginations, but sometimes the jokes you say sound more like him than me.

“You’re a lot more patient than I was at your age, but I think that was more necessity than something inherited? Alex was patient, but I think we all learned to be.”

“You don’t want to give him too much credit,” Amanda said with a laugh.

Danny laughed too. “You look more like him, but I think you’ve picked up more of my mannerisms, but that could just be because we do live together.”

“I’ll be a stranger when I come home from college,” Amanda said, poking him in the ribs.

Danny grinned.

Amanda said, “Do you think I’ll make friends? I’m kind of scared to go off alone. I hope my roommate is cool, but not so cool that they don’t want to hang out with me.”

“You’ll be great!” Danny said. “Just don’t be afraid to talk to new people - or avoid people that give you bad vibes. Did I tell you how Alex and I met?”

Amanda hesitated. “Wait, wasn’t it at a party?”

“Nope, we both took a class that was outside of our departments. He sat alone for a couple classes, so I just went over and introduced myself. We were both a bit uncomfortable at first, but we eventually hit it off.”

“And you said he was the adventurous one!”

“He said he wasn’t looking to meet new people outside of his department, so he wasn’t going out of his way to meet people,” Danny said. “But I was worried about group work and tried to make a friend in every class.”

“So you’d just scope out the ones outside of a pack like some kind of hunter,” Amanda said, laughing.

“It’s weird when you say it like that, but yes. Most people are happy to have someone to talk to in class, even if they’re not really looking for new friends,” Danny said, shrugging. “It worked well for me, like, half the time.”

Amanda smiled and said, “I’ll try it out.”

They spent half the night just talking, and Amanda finally voted for bed around 4am. Danny tried to decide if he should nap and still meet Craig for their morning jog, or if he should try to sleep the morning away. As Amanda left, Danny remembered what led to the conversation. Mary needed a break from their friendship. Danny already wanted to go back to bed, so he did.

He curled up in bed and checked his phone. He wasn’t sure if Robert influenced Mary to ditch him, or if it was really just a break she needed. Robert didn’t seem the type to manipulate her like that - nor that she’d be susceptible to it. Still, it hurt. Would they have been happier if he had fucked up his life so much that his daughter just wasn’t a priority?

He saw a message from Craig: “Are you actually online, or is it a glitch?”

Danny frowned and replied, “I’m up.”

“You okay?”

He was getting sick of Craig asking that. Craig should know by now that he never really was okay. He replied, “I stayed up talking with Amanda. It’s just been a long night.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yes.”

“Doesn’t sound okay, bro.”

“Craig, it’s a texting app and I’m very tired. Do you want me to use more smiley faces?”

“Yes.”

“Please let me sleep.” Danny attached a kissy face.

Craig replied, “We should go for a run now. You’ll have a really solid sleep after.”

Danny frowned. Craig knew he’d be laying awake for a few hours going over everything that happened even though he didn’t know everything that happened. Danny sat back up. “Fine.”

“See you in ten?”

“Yeah.”

Danny got out of bed, dressed, relieved himself, and headed out. He met Craig in the park. Craig was already there, stretching. The sun was just starting to rise. “I don’t feel like talking,” Danny said.

“Are we at least going to say hey to each other?”

“Oh, yeah,” Danny said. He offered Craig a smile. “Hey.”

Craig offered him a wink. They jogged through the quiet park, up the hill, down the hill, and then they pushed it through the woods. Danny just listened to himself breathing and the unending thoughts of how much he’d fucked things up as soon as he moved. Hell, he’d fucked up long before that. He stopped jogging when he saw Robert sitting on a log, fiddling with a piece of wood. A small dog sniffed at tree trunks a few feet away from him. Craig stopped a few moments later as Danny caught his breath.

Craig grinned and offered Robert a wave. “Hey! What’re you doing up so early?”

A cigarette hung from Robert’s lip. His eyes rose to meet them. Danny realized why he missed smoking so god damn much. He was used to smelling it on Robert. Robert said, “Planning out where to hide a body later.”

Craig laughed. “Right.”

Robert didn’t laugh. He took a drag from his cigarette and watched them. Danny saw a bottle of whiskey behind the log. Christ, he wanted a cigarette and a drink so badly. Running sucked so much. Craig looked at Danny uneasily as Robert just stared them down. Craig said, “I didn’t know you had a dog.”

Robert said, “I don’t.”

Danny touched Craig’s arm and motioned for him to keep running. He regretted stopping. It’d be that much harder to start again, and he didn’t need to see Robert celebrating his vices in the middle of the woods. Craig said a quick, “See you,” to Robert and continued their route. Once they were out of the woods, Danny stopped again. Craig jogged in place. 

“I think that’s it for me,” Danny said, panting.

“Will you tell me what’s going on? That was weird, right?”

“Craig, I just - I’m tired of fucking things up.”

“What?”

“I banged Robert and it made things weird,” Danny said.

Craig laughed.

“I know, I’m predictable.”

“I knew he was your type,” Craig said. “Wish you had talked to a few people before you did that though.”

“Mary even warned me,” Danny said. “I wouldn’t have listened even if you had told me not to do it. I just -” He missed Alex. He missed being in College. He missed being able to carry Amanda in her arms. He missed smoking so much. “- I want to go home.”

Craig nodded. “Okay.”

Danny offered him a weak smile. He was relieved Craig didn’t reply, but part of him was pissed off he didn’t. They just didn’t feel like good friends anymore. Still Danny said, “Thanks.”

He walked around the woods on his way back, not eager to bump into Robert again. He spotted Robert and the dog cut out of the woods a few feet ahead of him. Robert turned around and saw him before Danny could change his route. Danny offered him a weak smile. Robert grinned. “Looks like we both had the same plan.”

“Sorry,” Danny said.

Robert stopped walking as Danny caught up to him. “It’s all right. It’s juvenile anyway.”

“Well, I’m not sure how good I am at being an adult.”

Robert lit another cigarette and said, “You and me both.”

“Can I get one of those?”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s been a while, but-”

Robert held out the pack to him without any questions. Danny took it, and Robert lit it for him. Danny took a drag and remembered the first cigarette he had after Alex died. He couldn’t sleep and sat on a chair in their bedroom. He opened a window and smoked next to it. It helped him relax then, and he felt better now. He had smoked in college, quit when they were trying for kids, and then started and stopped again sporadically after Alex passed.

The pair walked quietly for a moment with the dog jogging a few steps ahead of them. It continued looking back, sometimes circling around them before leading the way again. Danny wanted to ask about it. It was the dumbest looking dog he’d ever seen, though he had no clue what kind of dog it was. Just small and pointy-eared and bug-eyed.

Robert said, “Mary told me what she said to you.”

“When did you get a chance to talk to her?”

“Late,” Robert said. “Listen, I didn’t mean to fuck that up too-”

“I know,” Danny said. “I didn’t think you had anything to do with it.”

Robert ran a hand through his hair. Danny watched the whiskey bottle in his other hand sway. He wanted to ask for that as well. 

Danny said, “Should we talk about sharing custody of Amanda?”

Robert laughed. Danny smiled. They continued walking. Danny enjoyed the silence. It was strange - he knew almost nothing about Robert, but he felt comfortable with him. No expectations. He knew the only thing Robert might want from him was a fuck, which he was more than happy to give - even now.

No, that wasn’t true. He had no fucking clue what Robert wanted from him, even now - maybe especially now. He had no idea why he was so comfortable with him. 

Robert said, “Sorry I posted that picture of you.”

“What?”

He shook his head and said, “I didn’t mean to out you to anyone.”

Danny said, “Oh it’s fine, though I’m glad my profile is private. Might have been upset if it wasn’t.”

“Yeah, I can’t seem to stop fucking up. Damien told me off later.”

“Don’t sweat it, really.”

They walked in silence a bit longer. Robert finished and tossed aside his cigarette. Danny nursed his, relishing in it. Danny stopped outside of a 24 hour convenience store. “Here’s my stop,” Danny said. He offered Robert the cigarette back. “Do you want to finish this off?”

Robert took it and asked, “What’re you getting?”

“Cheap liquor and my own pack,” Danny said. “Maybe a lighter.”

“How about I walk you home instead?”

“No, I don’t want to start this again,” Danny said. “I’m just going to pick up some stuff to help me sleep.”

“Cheap liquor.”

“Yeah. Isn’t that what you use?”

Robert shrugged and then let out a little chuckle.

Danny frowned. “What?”

“I was just thinking about something you said.”

“What did I say?”

“When you said you slept better at my place.”

“Christ, I swear I’m not starting this again, Robert. I have no clue what you want from me.”

Robert said, “That’s why it made me laugh.”

“Jesus. Just fuck off, would you?”

Robert whistled for the dog and started to walk off. Danny went inside and bought as much alcohol and cigarettes as he could carry.

*

Danny spent the next few weeks on auto pilot. He felt most present when Amanda was around him, but most of the time he just felt a bit numb. He wasn’t sure what happened specifically, but he started to miss Alex more and more. Maybe it was the cigarettes they used to sneak with Craig outside of their dorm. Maybe it was the realization that the other dads were just very different people.

He sacrificed his time at the coffee shop for Robert. He noticed for a few days Robert didn’t come in, so he shot Robert a message telling him it was his. Robert didn’t reply, but he saw the read receipt. Mat still hung out with him and brought banana bread along. Danny liked making his own coffee. He made it the way Alex liked it and let the smell permeate through the house. Mat complimented it and drank Danny’s coffee without complaint.

He continued Trivia Nights with Hugo. He learned he was better at trivia when drunk, and he usually got Hugo a little tipsy in the process. It was fun. He went fishing with Brian a few times, though he did more drinking than fishing. He also didn’t take the bait quite so often to challenge Brian, but without their constant one-upping, he wasn’t sure what to talk about. The silence wasn’t always comfortable. He knew both of them were trying to think of things to say, and Brian mostly talked about what he was going to do for Danny’s backyard.

He spent some time with Damien, though he thought everything he said to him went directly to Mary. They usually got wine drunk in the afternoon together and spoke as friends. Danny was happy to find a consistent drinking buddy, and their conversations grew easier the more time they spent together.

He continued working out with Craig, but kept his new habit a secret. He also dropped exercise back down to every other day. Craig didn’t push Danny for more information about anything, and Danny decided Craig was too busy with his own life to pry into Danny’s. Danny didn’t mind keeping up his exercises, though he knew which days he could get away with drinking a bit more.

Joseph continued reaching out to Danny, and Danny felt more uncomfortable about it than ever. He wanted to hear about how Mary was doing, and he knew Joseph was a good way to do that, but he didn’t want to hurt Mary by spending time with him. When Joseph insisted he come over and help baking for a Church bake sale, Danny caved and messaged Mary: “Joseph isn’t taking no for an answer. Is it cool if I hang out with him? I might see you, since it’s bake sale stuff.”

He got a pretty quick reply. “Go ahead.”

He had a few fingers of whiskey and went over to Joseph’s to bake. He didn’t hate it. Joseph seemed to have his sense of humour and shared a for love of Jimmy Buffett. He really liked how sure of himself Joseph seemed. Danny had pretended to be OK long enough to know that Joseph wasn’t happy, but it didn’t seem like the core of his personality - more of his situation.

Danny ultimately had a good time, and he relished in the few moments he had with Mary who asked his thoughts on the Church group. He also managed to convince Craig to buy some brownies, which he considered a personal success and planned to rub his face in it later. He wasn’t sure what he expected when it came to Joseph, but Danny ultimately decided he liked him.

A few days passed, and in the evening Danny smoked in the backyard with a glass of whiskey. Danny smoked outside to keep it out of the house. Amanda knew he’d started smoking again, but Amanda knew he generally smoked when he missed Alex. She tried not to lecture him about it, but she started dropping hints he should stop by the third week. He promised he would, but made no effort to follow through on it.

That evening Amanda was babysitting Daisy, but Danny didn’t make any plans to keep busy. He lit a citronella candle and just relaxed. His habits helped him feel comfortable being alone and he just enjoyed the night air. Joseph popped his head over the fence. “Hey.”

Danny said, “Hey.”

“Need company?”

Danny shrugged. “It’s up to you.”

Joseph came over and took the seat beside him. Danny offered him a glass of whiskey, but Joseph shook his head. “Could I get one of those?”

Danny handed the pack of cigarettes to him. Danny said, “Didn’t know you smoked.”

“Mary and I did for a while,” Joseph said. “Quit when the kids came, but we both sneak them sometimes when the kids are out.”

Joseph leaned in to try to light his cigarette off of Danny’s, but Danny just handed him his lighter. Joseph looked at the pack and said, “You know, this was my brand.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Joseph said. “Feels good to try it again.”

Danny left the pack and the lighter on the table. Danny said, “This is a new brand. Hasn’t even been around a decade.”

Joseph looked sheepish and checked the pack again. “I must be remembering things wrong.”

Danny shrugged. “I try to pick up a different kind each time to find what clicks best with me. If I find something I like, I’ve been smoking too long.”

“And this one?”

Danny blew out smoke. “Not bad. Hoping to shake the habit before I find mine.”

“Did you ever smoke cigars?”

Danny laughed. “I tried a few. I can’t remember the names though. Were there ones called skanky ladies? That sounds familiar.” Joseph shrugged, and Danny continued, “Usually Alex would split one with me. It was always a ‘guy thing’ so I had to elbow my way in.”

Joseph nodded. “So this was a while ago?”

“Yeah, maybe for a year after college,” Danny said.

Danny could feel it coming. Joseph wanted to ask about it, but Danny was tired of it. He didn’t mind talking about it with Damien, usually they were exchanging stories and information where they were on the same side. Mat had a lot of questions too, and Danny knew it was coming from a good place, but he was a little tired of talking about it.

He missed Robert’s simple, “Is there anything I shouldn’t do in bed,” questions. Robert’s questions were about how to make him more comfortable rather than risking Danny’s discomfort for information. And Mat understood when Danny said, “I don’t really feel like talking about this anymore,” and he was apologetic for even prying, which made Danny feel guilty for cutting him off. 

Danny was just tired. He was tired of feeling guilty and of being asked questions and of just - just existing, he supposed. He wished he could just shut his mind down until Amanda was in the house with him, and then shut down again whenever she left.

Joseph started, “Danny-”

“Are you going to ask me questions about being trans?”

Joseph hesitated. He said, “I know a lot from Damien, I mostly wanted to hear-”

“Hey, I’m real tired,” Danny said. “I don’t have the stamina to talk about this today.”

Joseph said, “Yeah, okay. Maybe another time?”

Danny finished off his cigarette and put it in the ashtray. He took another out of the pack, and Joseph flicked open the lighter for him. He leaned in to light Danny’s cigarette with one hand out to protect the flame from the breeze. Danny lit his cigarette, and he noticed Joseph’s blue eyes watching him. He drew away and leaned back.

He thought about this girl in college he knew, and he thought about telling Joseph about it, but he remembered the way her hands shook when she talked to Danny. He swallowed the story and said, “You just strike me as the kind of guy who talks things out to fix things, and sometimes things are bigger than that,” Danny said. “None of the questions are easy to answer. It means simplifying everything that’s happened to me so you’ll understand it. Just because I’m a trans guy it doesn’t make me responsible for your education.”

“I just wanted to get to know you better.”

Danny was beginning to feel like every time he had to explain a part of himself away, he was losing pieces of himself - as if he was a novel, and every summary meant people would just pick up the version that was just quick, simple notes so they got the gist and could pass the tests. And he felt a bit like he was becoming that version.

Danny smiled weakly and said, “Well being trans isn’t the only part of me that you can get to know.”

So Joseph changed things to polite small talk - as if Danny wasn’t worth getting to know if Joseph couldn’t hear about his trauma. He didn’t think about how Joseph might have just stuck to small talk because he didn’t know what to talk about that wouldn’t make Danny put walls up, but it did occurr to Danny that he preferred Robert’s method - that Robert just couldn’t be bothered to get to know him at all. So they just shared intimate, quiet moments and move on. Danny tuned Joseph out and regretted confronting Robert.

“You know - I’m a good ear if you need to talk about anything,” Joseph said. “And it’s no secret you’ve been missing your husband. I run a support group for widowers through the church. Mat even went to it for a while.”

“Dude, I literally just explained that sometimes talking isn’t a solution.”

“Well, bottling it up isn’t good for you either,” Joseph said.

“I never understood why there was a right way to process trauma and a wrong way. If it gets me through my day - and if I’m not hurting anyone - who gives a fuck?” Danny asked.

“We’re worried because you’re hurting yourself.”

Danny laughed. “I’m drinking and smoking because I miss my dead husband, and no amount of talking is going to fix that.”

“Doesn’t it get easier the more you talk about it? Isn’t that why you spend so much time with Mat and Robert?” Joseph asked.

Danny tried not to look surprised. He watched Joseph’s face. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but he thought Joseph was testing the waters - trying to see how much Danny knew. Robert had never straight-up said his partner had died, and he remembered Mat mentioning that he and Robert got to know each other better through a “church thing.” He decided both Mat and Robert must have gone to the group, and now Robert hated Joseph. Whatever game Joseph was trying, Danny wasn’t playing. 

Danny said, “I like spending time with them because they understand that sometimes there’s nothing you can say.”

Joseph had nothing to say to that. He finished off his cigarette and didn’t ask for another. Danny continued nursing his whiskey. Joseph said, “I’d hate to bring this up, but would you mind cleaning up your yard? Christian brought home one of the beer bottles you tossed in the yard.”

Danny asked, “Doesn’t that mean your kids got into my yard?”

Joseph said, “I know, it’s not a great situation. I’m just asking as a favour.”

“I clean up the bottles before I cut the grass.”

“Your lawn is starting to look a bit,” Joseph’s voice trailed off for a moment, “wild.”

Danny laughed. “Maybe if I let it get long enough, Brian will get frustrated and cut it for me again.”

“I’m sure he would if you asked.”

Danny exhaled and rubbed the back of his neck. Christ, he was tired of everything. Joseph looked to his house and then to his pack of cigarettes, clearly trying to decide if he should stay longer or just go home. He asked for another cigarette, and Danny warmed up as Joseph started to talk about his kids - some proud moments, some frustrations of fatherhood, and some moments of total exasperation. 

Danny actually had a good time just talking with Joseph and listening to him vent. Amanda came out back and said, “I’m home.”

Danny turned and smiled. “Heading to bed?”

He snuffed out his cigarette as Amanda nodded.

Danny said, “I’ll follow you in a sec.”

Amanda offered Joseph little more than a smile and headed back inside. Joseph put out his cigarette and said, “I guess you’re calling it a night.”

“Yeah,” Danny replied, grabbing his bottle and glasses. “Have a good night.”

“You too,” Joseph said, standing up. “This was fun.”

Danny smiled and nodded. He wasn’t eager to get another conversation going. He knew Amanda would want to talk about her day and unwind, and he didn’t want to keep her up later because Joseph didn’t want to go home.

Joseph caught the hint and waved as he walked off. “Goodnight.”

Danny repeated his, “Night,” and headed inside.

Amanda said, “What was that about?”

“No clue,” Danny said. “He just showed up.”

“You looked like you were having a good time,” Amanda said.

Danny nodded. “Yeah. Tell me about how your day went.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I combined a couple chapters to upload a longer update, so the pacing is a bit off! The Tom Waits for the Chapter is [Yesterday is Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Dnv5L59eSo)!

“I’ve got a surprise routine for us,” Craig said. He jogged a few paces ahead of Danny.

Danny, feeling slightly confident, replied, “Bring it.”

“Love your attitude, bro!”

Danny thought about how he’d rather be in bed, but at least when Craig pushed him he was thinking about how much he wanted to just breathe instead. Danny followed Craig until he stopped at the Coffee Spoon. Danny jogged in place. Craig didn’t. Danny asked, “What’re we doing?”

Craig said, “I thought we deserved a break.”

“I mean, I take more breaks than you do.”

“Listen, I didn’t want to spend a cheat day alone,” Craig said. “Come on, let’s both cheat.”

He pushed opened the door, and Danny asked, “When did you start doing cheat days?”

Danny finally walked in, and Craig followed behind him. Craig said, “Well, it’ll be my first time this year. Last year I got sick and had to miss a few days.”

“Craig, I don’t envy you.”

The pair stood in line, and Danny caught a glimpse of Robert at his regular table. Robert’s eyes stayed locked onto him, and Danny offered a half-wave and weak smile. Mat said to Danny, “Not going for home delivery today?”

“We’re having a cheat day,” Craig said. “Do you really deliver?”

Mat laughed. “No. I just sometimes bring him some extra stock.”

Danny said, “For when I’m too lazy to leave the house. It’s extremely generous.”

“And he gives me some of his coffee,” Mat said. “It’s really good.”

“Danny makes terrible coffee,” Craig said.

Mat shrugged. “Maybe I have bad taste.”

“I got better,” Danny said, puffing up. “People change.”

They ordered a light breakfast. Danny said to Craig, “I’m gonna take a piss. I might be a few.”

“Sure thing, bro.”

Danny went to the bathroom hallway and then went out the backdoor. He patted down his pockets and realized he hadn’t brought his cigarettes since he was just planning a jog. He started to walk back inside, but Robert came out the back door. They exchanged smiles. Danny said, “We get the same ideas when it comes to avoiding each other.”

“Yeah,” Robert said.

Robert offered Danny a cigarette, and Danny nodded as he took it. “Thanks. I thought we were going for a jog so I didn’t bring anything.”

They both leaned close to the flame of Robert’s lighter. Danny snuck a glance at Robert’s face, only to see Robert doing the same. Danny laughed and leaned against the wall. Robert said, “He’ll smell it on you.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. 

Robert leaned against the wall next to him. Danny looked at him. Nothing really changed, but Robert seemed a bit nervous. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Danny asked, “Mary all right?”

“Yeah.”

“You all right?”

Robert grinned. “When am I not?”

Danny smiled back. 

It was strange. Something about the silence between them wasn’t quite as comfortable as it usually was. Still, Danny wasn’t going to rush his cigarette. His phone chirped, and he saw a message from Craig. “You okay?”

Danny replied, “Morning poop.”

Robert looked over Danny’s shoulder. Their arms brushed together, and Danny was suddenly very aware of how close Robert was to him. Robert’s shoe brushed against his own. Craig asked, “Are you sneaking a cigarette with Robert?”

Robert took the phone from Danny and replied, “How dare you.”

Danny laughed. Robert smiled. Craig replied, “I’m going to smell it on you when you come back inside, aren’t I?”

Robert furrowed his brow and replied, “Robert is sneaking a cigarette in the bathroom. He’s awful. Probably smells better than my shit though.”

Danny laughed harder. Robert nudged him and handed him back his phone. Robert tilted his head onto Danny’s shoulder as they watched the phone. Craig replied, “Robert took your phone, didn’t he?”

Danny smirked and handed his phone back to Robert. Robert let out a noise in frustration. “Christ, he knows you well. I even used capitals.”

Danny said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll only get lectured for a bit.”

Robert replied, “yeah,” and slipped the phone into Danny’s pocket so he’d ignore it.

When his phone chirped again, Danny ignored it. Robert tossed his cigarette on the ground and took Danny’s to do the same. He crushed them both under his booth and put his hands on Danny’s hips as he pressed him back against the wall. Robert propped his forehead against Danny’s. Robert made no motion to kiss him, despite how badly Danny wanted it. It hurt a bit, being like this with Robert. He missed him, but he couldn’t forget how badly it hurt last time. Robert said, “Betsy.”

“What?”

“That’s the name of my dog.”

“Oh,” Danny said. “It’s a good name.”

“Tell me something about you.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything.”

Danny hesitated. He wanted something that Robert couldn’t find out from someone else - something personal and secret. He smiled. “Dani.”

“I know your name, asshole.”

Danny chuckled. “No, before my transition, I was Daniella, but people called me Dani.”

Robert smiled and said, “You’re not very creative, are you?”

Danny shrugged. “The name was never the problem. I like to keep it simple.”

Robert kissed him. He pressed Danny back against the wall and pushed his leg between Danny’s. Danny moved against him as he responded to the kiss in kind. He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening. Robert propped his forehead against Danny’s when he broke the kiss. Danny had to catch his breath, and his chest felt light. Robert’s intense eyes burrowed into him. His expression was blank. Danny smiled softly and leaned into him.

The sound of the door opening made Robert pull away. Danny felt cold. Mat said, “Craig sent a rescue team.”

Danny said, “Of course he did.”

Mat said, “I thought you two were avoiding each other.”

Robert brushed past Mat and said, “We are.”

Mat raised his eyebrows at Danny, and Danny just shrugged. They went back inside, and Damien was sitting at the table with Craig. They quieted as Danny approached, and Mat sat at the table with them. They said nothing. Danny glanced at Robert, who shrugged at him. He hadn’t exactly seen the three of them hang out before. Danny asked, “Is this an intervention?”

“No,” Mat said quickly.

Craig offered him a weak smile. Damien said, “I found you a job.”

“I wasn’t going to look for one until Amanda went off to college,” Danny said. “I want to spend time with her.”

Mat said, “We thought Amanda leaving might be easier on you if you have a routine to keep up with.”

Craig added, “It might be too easy for you to just stay in bed after Amanda goes if you don’t have a job.”

Danny said, “Um, that was the plan. I get to be sad for a week or so and then get my shit together and get a job.”

The three were quiet and Danny watched them.

Danny said, “You guys don’t think I can get my shit together.”

Again, Mat was the one who quickly said, “No. We just - we want you to be happy.”

Damien added, “Joseph said your yard is getting out of control.”

“My mower’s shit,” Danny said, “but I can’t buy a new one when-” When he didn’t have a job. Shit. Danny rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay, all right.”

Sure, Danny budgeted carefully, but his funds were running low. He needed everything to cover his mortgage and bills as well as get Amanda a good start on her education. A job would certainly keep things from being so tight.

Damien said, “They’re already interested. You’ve just got to show up to the interview tomorrow and give them your resume then. They really need someone, so if they want you, you’ll start work in the next few days.”

Danny swore under his breath. He had a plan of trying to find something in a different field, but if Damien already felt out a position for him, it’d be in IT. He understood where they were coming from - a job would certainly help stabilize his mood and his income. Plus he liked working and being busy, he just hated his line of work.

“So much for a cheat day,” Danny said.

“No, we’re still having our cheat day,” Craig said. “We’re going to eat garbage and go see a movie. Then you’re going to hang out with Amanda all evening. I talked to her beforehand.”

Danny looked Craig in the eye and said, “I want to watch you eat an entire tray of nachos.”

Craig asked, “What?”

“With that too-yellow processed cheese. I need to see you do it. That’s the only way I’ll go to the interview.”

“You’re joking-”

“I’ll tell Damien to call it off right now. And when you’re done with the chips, you need to dip your fingers in the cheese and lick your fingers.”

Craig laughed. “You’re disgusting.”

“Craig, if I knew where to get the cheese, I’d make you bathe in it.”

Mat said, “I might be able to hook you up.”

“No, no,” Craig said. “All right, I’ll eat the nachos.”

Damien said, “So you’re in?”

Danny sighed. “Yeah, I’m in.”

*

Danny and Amanda laid on the sofa while sharing a food coma. They were marathoning bad horror movies with their own running commentary. Amanda managed to get up and paused the movie for a pee break. On her way back from the bathroom, Danny said, “Amanda, save me from getting up and grab me another beer.”

“Only if I can get one for myself,” Amanda said, already walking towards the fridge.

“Yeah, okay.”

“What? Really?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I’d rather you drink with me than strangers, and it’ll be good for you to have an idea of your tolerance before you go to parties and stuff.”

Amanda brought two beers, and Danny sat up to open them. He wondered if Amanda was so quiet because she was waiting for him to change his mind. He knew she’d drunk before, but he supposed it was different now, having a beer with him. He said, “When I was your age, I could have three light beers before I started to feel it.”

“Were you taller than me?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Danny said. “Didn’t have much weight on me though.”

They returned to watching the movie, sometimes talking about Danny’s first year in college, but mostly making fun of the movies. Amanda got through two beers, but called it a night at the second one’s dredges. She wished Danny goodnight and said, “Hey Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for that.”

Danny smiled. “Anytime.”

“And don’t be too mad at Craig,” she said. “I was the one that mentioned you might feel better if you had a job beforehand. I didn’t think they’d take it quite so far.”

Danny nodded. “I’m not mad, don’t worry. Just surprised.” And tired. Very tired.

Amanda went to bed, and Danny went outside for a few smokes and a few fingers of whiskey. He decided to sit on the front porch, since Craig was so aware of his smoking anyway. He hoped Craig could see him drinking before his interview.

Halfway into his first cigarette, Robert came out of his house and started walking his way. He had an empty glass in his hand. Danny worried. If he wound up in bed with him, he might sleep through his interview. Plus, he’d have Robert in the back of his mind the entire time. Robert said, “Thought you could return the favour.”

Danny handed him his pack. With some surprise, Robert said, “This isn’t my brand.”

“Yeah. Should it be?”

Robert stared at the pack and then shrugged. He took one out and lit it himself. He sat in the chair next to Danny. He asked, “Fun intervention?”

“Honestly, it’s like being back in college. Everyone lives in each other’s pockets. Fucking Joseph complaining about my shitty lawn.”

Robert held out his glass, and Danny poured. Robert asked, “Do you regret moving here?”

“Not really. Amanda’s happy. It was - it was good to get out of that house. Hard, but good.”

Robert nodded. Danny blew smoke rings in the air. He was surprised he could still do it. Robert nudged him and blew his own. Danny said, “Fuck this job, let’s join the circus.”

Robert laughed. He said, “You know, I did a stint at one.”

“Knife juggler, right?”

“Damn right. Had an affair with the bearded lady, and my partner was too used to missing the target to manage to hit me with a knife.”

Danny laughed. “How many times have you told that one?”

Robert shrugged. “Whenever someone brings up the circus.”

They sat quietly for some time. Danny moved onto a second cigarette. Robert said, “I want to go for a drive, but I don’t want to fuck up your interview.”

“Does it have to be at night? We could go after my interview.”

“Yeah, it’ll feel better at night,” Robert said. “Maybe we can make it work tomorrow night if you’re not working the next day.”

“Yeah, all right.”

They returned to sitting quietly. Danny wanted to drag him inside so he could wrap his arms around someone as he slept. Danny asked, “You still trying to figure it out?”

“It” was whatever the fuck their relationship was, but Danny couldn’t figure out how to say that without pressuring him too much. Robert understood anyway. “Yeah,” Robert said, “but I like this.”

Danny nodded. “Me too.”

“I also liked texting Craig,” Robert said.

Danny laughed. “That was great.”

Danny wondered if he’d mention the kiss, but he said nothing further. They finished their cigarettes and whiskeys around the same time. Neither motioned for another. Robert got up and stretched. He turned to Danny and cupped Danny’s cheeks in his hand. Tilting Danny’s head downwards, he kissed his forehead. “Night.”

Danny touched Robert’s hands to keep him in place for a moment. He didn’t meet his eye. “Hey, uh, listen I really hate IT. If I’m grumpy or something-”

Robert nodded. “I won’t take it personally.”

Danny sighed and let Robert go. “Thanks.”

Robert shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “You know, you can tell them, ‘No.’”

“Yeah, but,” his voice trailed off.

“You don’t want to let your kid down.”

“Yeah.”

“Invite me in,” Robert said.

“What are you, a vampire?”

“When you said you slept better at my house, did you mean in my bed, or did you mean with me?”

When Danny didn’t reply, Robert repeated, “Invite me in.”

“I just - I don’t want you to think I’m using you.”

Robert smiled. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey and went inside. Danny hesitated before grabbing the glasses and following him. Danny turned off the lights and locked up. Robert was brushing his teeth in the bathroom. “I’m using your toothbrush,” Robert said.

“Gross.”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I know you’ve used mine before though.”

Danny smiled, and he made sure to give the toothbrush a thorough rinse before working on his own teeth. When he walked into the bedroom, he found Robert already sprawled out and comfortable. His clothes were scattered about the room as if he threw them off when he changed. Danny undressed in front of him, oddly self-conscious. Robert patted the spot next to him. “We’re going to cuddle country.”

Danny slid under the covers and wrapped his arms around Robert. Robert pressed back against him, tucking himself carefully into Danny’s arms. Danny nuzzled into the back of his head. He wondered what they were doing and didn’t have it in him to tell Robert that usually it was a good orgasm that put him to sleep. Still, it was nice to sleep with someone in his arms.

*

The following day, Danny got the job and went out for a drive with Robert that night. The most intimate thing they did was talk, and Danny wasn’t sure he felt any closer to Robert after it. It gave little insight into what they were doing, but Robert did end up giving him a knife. Danny wondered if Robert killed someone with it and was framing him for murder. It was a nice time. Maybe not worthy of going to jail for a crime you didn’t commit, but Danny enjoyed himself.

Days passed by quickly when Danny got back to work. He thought maybe he’d get back into the routine and grow numb quickly since he’d worked the job for so long, but it was that much harder getting used to it. Danny took as many smoke breaks as he could, and he’d have a glass of whiskey or wine as soon as he got home. He thought about mixing something hard into his coffee in the morning, but he didn’t want to ruin Damien’s reputation by getting fired so quickly.

He mostly curled up with Amanda at night and watched television, not eager to socialize or do much of anything aside from spending some quiet time with his daughter. Sometimes she’d bring out a collage on the coffee table or she’d sit with her laptop and try to work. He felt a bit like a cat, eager to be in the same room with her, but not necessarily excited to receive attention from her. He worked hard to appear content and thriving to her, and he felt guilty for looking forward to when she went to bed so he could just be alone.

He gave up on exercising with Craig and decided to skip Mat’s coffee in the morning so he didn’t have to get up any earlier. With Hugo busy with finals, they missed a few trivia nights. Danny didn’t notice how slowly isolated himself. Robert sometimes sent him texts in the dead of night to hang out, but Danny’s sleep was usually too heavy to wake up for them. He was rarely disappointed when he saw them in the morning. He would have felt guilty saying, ‘No,’ but he wouldn’t have wanted to go out on a work day.

A few weeks passed with Danny in a daze of a routine. When he pulled into his driveway after work, he noticed Brian jogging up to meet him. He wondered if there was a way he could slip inside and pretend not to notice him. Brian said, “Hey, how are you doing?”

“Fine,” Danny replied. He didn’t return the question. He didn’t want to hear about how fucking great Brian was doing.

Brian asked, “Are you all right?”

Danny’s heart started pounding faster. The look of concern on Brian’s face woke him. He checked himself to see if he was bleeding. Why had Brian asked that? “What?”

“You’ve just seemed,” Brian paused and watched him, “off lately.”

“Brian, if this is about my fucking lawn-”

“It’s not,” Brian said. “I just - I don’t really see you around much, aside from smoking on your front porch in the middle of the night.”

“8pm is not the middle of the night.”

“Sometimes you’re out later.”

Danny rubbed the back of his neck. The anger building up inside of him surprised him. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Brian shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

Danny could feel himself crumbling. If Brian asked again, Danny thought he might fall apart. He hated his fucking job. He hated having people yell at him about a problem they hadn’t even described to him in enough detail for him to fix. He hated how often people just hung up on him. He hated people saying, “Sir or ma’am,” because of his voice. He hated forcing himself to be polite and calm when people acted irrationally towards him. He pretended to be someone else for so long - he hated going into work and having to be someone else again.

Brian nodded. “How about I’ll cut your lawn for you?”

“This is about my fucking lawn-”

Brian touched his arm. Danny quickly pulled it away, but then felt bad about it. Christ, he was mad. Part of him wished Brian hadn’t been the one to approach him like this. He was always on the defensive with this guy. 

Brian said, “You just seem stressed out and I want to help.” Brian shrugged a bit and said, “I honestly don’t know what else to offer.”

Danny softened. “All right, okay. Sorry.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for.”

Danny smiled weakly. “Thanks.”

Brian asked, “Is your background in IT?”

Danny nodded. “Systems/Engineering. Didn’t really excel in programming, I’m more of a hardware guy. I’ve only really been able to get tech support jobs, but my resume’s also shit. Never work anywhere long enough and I don’t have a lot of good references.”

“Damien really pulled strings for this one, didn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

“But did you want it?” Brian asked.

Danny laughed. “You weren’t on board with the intervention?”

Brian shrugged. “You wanted to spend time with your daughter. Hugo liked that you were taking time to, I think he said, find yourself.”

Danny smiled. He wished they’d been there to talk him out of it. “I don’t know. It keeps me busy.”

“I guess. If you need an ear, you’ve got mine. I don’t know much about it, but I’ve got people arguing with me half the day, so I can imagine it’s a real pain in the ass.”

Danny nodded. He didn’t really like the idea of Brian trying to one-up every bad interaction he had. So he simply said, “Thanks.”

“I’ll get to your lawn after dinner.”

“No rush,” Danny said. “I want it to ruffle feathers for as long as it can.”

Brian just laughed and Danny went inside. Amanda sat on the couch, working on a collage. She asked, “What was that about?”

Danny explained the situation, complete with his commentary on how Brian would be a shitty person to vent to. Amanda said, “You could at least give him a chance.”

“I’m just - Panda, my patience is real thin right now.”

“But you like working, right?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. He did like working. He just hated this kind of working. He wished Mat had just hired him for minimum wage at his coffee shop. Danny said, “I’m just going to step out for a few minutes and then I’ll make dinner.”

“Didn’t you have a smoke in the car?”

“Yep, but I’ve also got to pick up some beer bottles laying around in the grass.”

“Real classy, dad.”

“Thanks.”

*

Danny went to bed early on Friday, only to wake up to several messages from Robert that came the night before. He could tell by his messages that Robert was getting increasingly frustrated.

Robert: hey  
Robert: hey danny  
Robert: hey danny wake up  
Robert: danny  
Robert: danny if youre asleep again im gonna be pissed  
Robert: you locked your window  
Robert: your drapes are closed too  
Robert: how are you sleeping through this  
Robert: im pounding on your window so hard its about to break  
Robert: youre ignoring me  
Robert: this is bullshit  
Robert: fuck you

Danny was too tired to be frustrated. He messaged Robert back, “I was legitimately asleep. Honestly fuck you if you think I’d be so fucking juvenile.”

Danny looked at his last messages from Mary. Christ, he missed her. He thought if Robert was back talking to him, it’d only be a matter of time before she did too. But she didn’t. He thought maybe the bake sale would have reminded her how well they clicked, but maybe it did the opposite. Maybe it reminded her of how much she didn’t want to be around him.

He switched back to Robert, and he saw the read receipt. Danny started typing that maybe they’d connect better if Robert would make the effort to see him before midnight, but he erased what he was going to say. He decided he’d probably be too tired to hang out before midnight anyway. He noticed a text bubble pop out as if Robert was typing something, and then it disappeared. Danny waited a few minutes, but the text bubble didn’t appear again.

He set his phone aside and got out of bed.

He made Amanda breakfast - chocolate chip pancakes - and made a few for himself despite not really having the appetite for them. After breakfast and some serious daughter time, Danny went outside in his pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt for a smoke. He thought about having a glass of whiskey - it was Saturday, after all - but he was worried about the neighbours seeing him.

His worry ringed true when Joseph popped his head over the fence. “Hey,” Joseph said, “I need a favour.”

“The grass is cut, Joseph.”

“What? Oh yeah. It’s not that.”

Danny found some comfort in knowing that Brian hadn’t bragged around about taking care of his lawn. He noticed Brian had trimmed some of his trees too. He wondered why he hadn’t watched Brian do it.

Joseph continued, “I need a chaperone for this dance at the church. Amanda can come.”

“A chance to meet Jesus? Amanda’s there.”

Joseph huffed. “Please. I really need the help.”

Danny sighed. It wasn’t like he was going to do anything else on a Saturday night. “Yeah, sure. There’ll be food, right?”

“Yeah. Will that get Amanda to go?”

“Probably. What time do you need me?”

Danny wasn’t exactly looking forward to it. He wasn’t even really looking forward to spending time with Joseph. He doubted it’d be like smoking on his deck - it was more likely to be trying to exchange a few words before having to stop some teens from dry humping on the dance floor.

He was surprised how much he lightened up once he got there. Ernest’s banner put him in a good mood, and he’d had a few drinks beforehand to help him along. He excused Amanda when he and Joseph tore up the dance floor to inspire the youth, and he relaxed in the small office Joseph had done up for him. Joseph mentioned how stressed out Danny seemed and thought he deserved a break. Danny felt a bit better getting some of his complaints off his chest, and Joseph listened quietly and attentively. They talked about Jimmy Buffett passionately, and he found Joseph leaning in closer to him. Danny’s heart pounded faster.

Holy shit.

Was Joseph going to kiss him?

They didn’t, and Danny hadn’t leaned into the kiss either. He wondered if he gave off the wrong signals, and he wondered if he would have gone for it if Mary hadn’t been there. When Joseph dropped him off at home, he felt a little sick. Shortly after Danny got inside his house, he heard a knock on the door. He patted his pockets while wondering if he forgot his smokes in Joseph’s car. He opened the door to Robert who was nursing a cigarette.

Robert said, “What the fuck was that about?”

“He asked me to help chaperone.”

“You’re drunk.”

“I mean, it’s after 5pm. Of course I am.”

Robert chuckled at that, but he simply watched Danny. Danny eventually said, “I’m not apologizing.”

Robert shrugged. “You wanna do something?”

“Dude, could you - I want an apology,” Danny said. “For calling me an asshole. For thinking I’d act like that.”

“Well you keep blowing me off.”

“I have a fucking job.”

“Well do you wanna do something now?”

Danny didn’t. He just wanted to curl into bed and - Christ, he needed to process Joseph. Did he tell him no now? Or had Danny misunderstood? He wasn’t eager to cut Joseph out of his life so quickly either, but he really didn’t want to lead him on.

Danny said, “All right, yeah. What’re we doing?”

“I’ve got a plan. Come on.”

Danny locked up and shot Amanda a text to let her know where he was. She replied, “Mr. Popular.”

Danny said, “Panda I’m so tired. I’m too charming for my own good.”

Amanda replied, “I’m not sure Robert’s attention requires charm.”

Danny tried not to laugh. He and Robert drank some gas station liquor, threw rocks - Danny hit a car - and then they went to see a movie. Danny liked the movie part. He was pretty sure he slept through some bits of it. They yelled at Ernest - who clearly ditched the dance for something better - and didn’t go much longer after that.

It was fun and light. Robert walked him home. They stood together on Danny’s porch. Danny wasn’t sure what he wanted. “That was fun.”

“That’s what you’re missing out on.”

“Yeah, well,” Danny shrugged. “That’s work for you.”

Robert shrugged. He pulled out his pack of cigarettes only to find it empty. “Can I bum one of yours?”

Danny handed him the pack. “You can keep it.”

“I don’t want a pack of your shit,” Robert said. “I can’t believe you like this.”

Danny frowned and looked at the pack. He hadn’t changed brands. This was it. This was his brand. And he was still smoking it. Robert held out the pack to him. Danny didn’t take it immediately. Robert said, “I’m not keeping it.”

Danny took it and put it back into his pocket. Robert lit the cigarette and asked, “You okay?”

“You live two houses down and you couldn’t wait to get your own smokes but you still felt the need to insult mine,” Danny said.

Robert shrugged. “Just thought you had better taste than that.”

“You’re still smoking it.”

Robert blew out some smoke and said, “I settled. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I settle a lot.”

He stared right at Danny as he said it. Danny’s skin crawled. The past few weeks felt like a never ending cycle of bad days, and he really didn’t need Robert putting him down too. Danny said, “Christ, fuck you.”

Robert laughed. It pissed Danny off more. Robert got off on pushing his buttons, but overreacted anytime Danny put up any resistance. He shoved Robert and said, “Seriously, fuck off.”

“I was just joking.”

“Get off my porch,” Danny said.

Robert continued laughing. Danny threw his pack of shitty cigarettes at him and went inside. He heard Robert outside say, “Danny. Danny, I was just kidding. Give me a fucking break.”

Danny locked the door to punctuate the evening. He heard Robert mutter a “Whatever.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay! This might still be a bit under-edited but I managed to change a lot of it into something I'm a lot more happy with so thanks for your patience! 
> 
> Your Tom Waits song for this chapter is [Emotional Weather Report](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6c5YNPDp8Ww).

Craig sent Danny a few messages throughout the week saying that they should hang out. Danny replied with, “We should,” but made no effort to make plans. It wasn’t that he was mad; he was just tired of always making the effort. If Craig wanted to hang, he could come over and sit in his backyard for half an hour. He wasn’t going to watch some ball game just to spend two interrupted seconds with him.

Joseph, however, did make the effort. He poked his head over the fence, and Danny found venting to him easy. Joseph was a good listener after he’d stopped being so eager to find solutions for him. No more mentions of grief counselling that he was in charge of. No more talk as if he was in a superior position and knew better. Danny desperately needed an ear and Joseph offered it.

He was careful about the topics he discussed with Joseph. As much as he wanted to know about how Mary was doing, he didn’t want to piss her off, so he didn’t ask about her. He also didn’t talk about Robert. He could tell Joseph sometimes tested the waters about their relationship, but Danny kept it vague. He did want to talk to someone about what happened, but he didn’t feel comfortable confiding in Joseph about it.

Robert’s comment – or joke – really got under his skin. Robert lied through his teeth constantly so it wasn’t like he took the words themselves to heart. What really bothered him is he didn’t know what Robert expected from him in reply. Robert previously thought they were just using each other, so Danny thought if he agreed that he was settling for Robert, Robert would be pissed. Had Robert wanted to get mad at Danny and baited him? And what would have happened if Danny had said that was fine? Did Robert really want Danny to be comfortable with just being settled for?

Danny glanced at Joseph next to him. They hadn’t spoken in several minutes as his mind swirled with Robert. He had sent Robert a message a few days ago – “Are we going to talk about this?” – but never got a response. Danny was fine just fucking around with another person, but Robert clearly wasn’t comfortable with it, and Danny didn’t want to be in an endless loop with him.

It was strange, too, with Joseph quietly next to him. His blue eyes were clouded over in thought, and he thought about how similar Robert and Joseph were. Both of them lied to project a certain image of themselves. Both of them were careful about who they opened up to, but while Robert stayed tightly clasped shut, Joseph carefully revealed enough of himself to appear as if he wasn’t holding anything back. And they each had topics that were better to just avoid, though some of Joseph’s topics were things Danny himself held back.

The main difference was Joseph did it all to keep people close, and Robert did it all to keep people away. 

Danny thought he understood Robert more than he did Joseph. He didn’t know what Joseph was hiding or even how often he lied, but Joseph had drawn him close enough to know it was happening. Danny thought again about Robert’s throwaway joke and wondered if he didn’t know either of them at all.

“You okay?” Joseph asked.

Joseph’s eyes were suddenly on Danny, and they watched him with a gentleness that reminded him of Alex. Sometimes Danny would wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, and Alex would rub his back and watch him with the same expression. The words were the same too, the soft, “You okay?”

Danny’s stomach turned. “Yeah. Just thinking about Alex.”

Joseph smiled softly at him, and he leaned over to rub Danny’s shoulder. He thought about when Joseph had leaned in as if he was going to kiss him, and his stomach turned again. He didn’t brush Joseph’s hand off his shoulder, but said, “Talk to me about something else.”

Joseph drew his hand away and said, “I’ve been spending a lot of time on my yacht. It’s been perfect weather for it lately and it’s nice to just have my own space.”

Danny wondered how often that meant Mary was saddled with their children. Danny nodded, “Yeah, I feel you.”

“You should see it out there,” Joseph said. “Nothing but the gentle waves and fresh sair around you. It’s a perfect place to decompress and,” he paused for a moment and looked at Danny. Danny found Joseph’s eyes burrowing into him as Joseph continued, “really think about where my life is going.”

Danny swallowed and looked away. “Sounds nice.”

Joseph squeezed Danny’s shoulder again, and when Joseph didn’t draw away his thumb softly rubbed Danny’s shoulder as well. Danny’s stomach turned. He wanted to think the best of Joseph, but Joseph wasn’t overly handsy. He was careful about who he touched and when he touched them. Danny felt as if every second was carefully calculated in Joseph’s mind.

“You should come out with me,” Joseph said. “You deserve a break from everything.”

“I know Amanda would love it,” Danny said. “It’d give her something else to photograph.”

“It’d be more relaxing if it was just us,” Joseph said. “She’d only have us to talk to.”

Danny nodded and a wave of nausea hit him. Joseph just wanted him alone. Amanda wasn’t a stress. He hated that Joseph had asked. He hated that he didn’t see it coming a mile away. “I’ll think about it,” Danny said.

He didn’t know how to say no without starting something, and he desperately needed to talk to Mary first. He brushed Joseph’s hand off of him as he stood up and said, “I just remembered something I forgot. I’ve gotta go.”

“Oh? Uh, okay.”

Danny started to leave and said, “I can trust you’ll find your way out, right?”

Joseph nodded. “Sure.”

Danny flipped open his phone as he walked away from the house. He sent Mary a message: “Where are you?”

Mary replied, “Fuck you.”

Danny started to walk to Jim and Kim’s. He wrote, “I hope you’re at Jim and Kim’s because that’s where I’m going.”

Mary didn’t reply, and he took it as a sign that she was probably there. He hurried and wondered how far in advance Mary saw it coming. He regretted ever even talking to Joseph. He ran into her on the way to the bar. She wobbled in her step. Mary grabbed onto him - partly in anger and partly to steady herself. “Are you really so petty that you’d fuck my husband to piss me off? Or are you actually that desperate?”

“Mary,” Danny said, trying to steady her. “I didn’t realize - I’m not going to be friends with him.”

“How could you not notice? We all noticed.”

She gestured around her. The street was empty. Danny said, “I’m an idiot. I swear, Mary. I’d never do it. I miss you so fucking much.”

He hugged her. She sighed. “You’re just so dumb sometimes.”

“He was attentive and I liked talking to him,” Danny said, “I honestly didn’t think that he’d -”

Mary hugged him back. “It’s okay, Danny. When I thought,” she paused as she considered her words. She continued, “I should have just talked to you when I saw the warning signs.”

They released each other. Mary put her hand on Danny’s shoulder to keep herself steady as she took off her shoes. Danny wondered if she actually believed he’d go through with it. Hell, she must have or else she wouldn’t have been mad. And how long had she been waiting to message “Fuck you” in reply? How far in advance did she see this happening? And why did he ignore it?

He asked, “Can we please just be friends again? Have I fucked up enough?”

Mary laughed. They started to walk back towards their homes. “Aside from leading on my husband, you’re not much worse. You even have a job now.”

“I hate it,” Danny said. “It’s so - it’s so emotionally exhausting. I just come home and smoke and drink and listen to Amanda talk. And I mean I like the latter, but I’m getting kind of numb to it. Sometimes I feel myself tuning her out and I hate it.”

Mary didn’t reply.

Danny asked, “How are things on your end?”

“Well, my husband tried to get you to sleep with him. So, uh, not good, Danny.”

“Right.”

“I just don’t want to listen to your pity party right now - or maybe ever. Okay?”

“Yeah, all right.” They walked for a few paces in silence. Danny added, “But I’m always willing to listen to yours, okay?”

Mary said, “Way to make me feel like shit, Danny.”

“You’ve got more on your plate than I do,” Danny said. “I mean it.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Danny felt less confident as they walked home. Mary had every right to be pissed - he understood that, he just - somehow he had expected everything to be tied up neatly with a bow. He hadn’t meant any harm. Or maybe he had. He liked the attention. He liked when they finally clicked and how often it felt like it took no effort.

But he couldn’t do it. Even if Mary was miserable, she wanted to be with Joseph. He wasn’t going to hurt her. Not for anything. He watched her absently as they walked to the cul-de-sac. He had no idea why she’d stay. He thought she had to be able to do better. 

Danny offered her a goodnight when they split up, and Mary didn’t say much of anything. Danny felt worse than ever as he arrived home. From the couch, Amanda said, “I was just about to watch a movie. Are you up for it? Or are you too busy?”

Danny smirked and climbed over the sofa. “I’m in. Did you make popcorn?”

“Uh, yeah, of course I made popcorn.”

*

Danny couldn’t sleep that night. He tried a few fingers of whiskey to help him along and when that didn’t he tried a few more. When he got out of bed in the morning, he couldn’t remember sleeping at all. He hated himself for hanging around Joseph for as long as he did and for not seeing what Joseph wanted from him. He supposed he just didn’t want to see it. After Amanda left, he mixed whiskey into his coffee to help take the edge off the day ahead of him. At least clients being sharp and short with him all day would keep his mind off of Joseph and Mary.

By the time lunch rolled around, his spirits were not much higher. He took a long lunch since it meant he’d enough time to walk to the pier to get a burrito if he ate it on the way back. Christ, he was so god damn excited for the burrito. A few moments where he could just breathe in the fresh air – maybe sneak a cigarette – and eat alone. He had a skip under his heel as he walked along the pier singing in his head: “Brunch Burrito, Brunch Burrito, gonna get me a Brunch Burrito.”

Robert spotted him, and Danny, relieved he hadn’t been singing aloud, offered him a wave. Maybe they could finally talk. He wondered if Robert would get a burrito with him. Instead, Robert approached him in a fury. “So. How's Joseph?”

Danny frowned. “What?”

Robert laughed sharply and replied, “Oh, so you’re going to play dumb?”

Robert tossed his cigarette aside as Danny quickly said, “No. No, I walked away. Did you talk to Mary?”

“Oh please,” Robert said, patting another cigarette out of his pack. “I’ve seen you guys palling around in your backyard.”

“Just talking,” Danny said.

Robert’s voice rose. “And I suppose two friends just spend the night out on a private yacht together, being buds, chatting about friendship. Is that what two friends do?”

Danny wondered how he knew about the boat. “Robert, come on. You know I’m not like that. I wouldn’t do that to Mary.”

“Danny, you might be an idiot, but I’m not,” Robert said. “I don't like Joseph. I don't trust Joseph. Joseph is a bad guy and I don't want him around you.”

Danny smiled softly.

“What are you grinning about?” Robert asked.

“You care about me,” Danny said.

Robert pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. He looked Danny dead in the eye and said, “You’re a piece of shit.”

Danny’s heart sank. “What?”

When Robert tried walking away, Danny reached out after him. “Hold on a second-”

Robert shoved Danny away from him and snapped, “ You’re both awful. You deserve each other. I’ll tell Mary you said hi.”

Robert shoved him as he left. Danny wasn’t eager to chase after him when Robert wouldn’t even talk to him. He messaged Robert: “I turned Joseph down. You and me aside, I’d never do that to Mary.”

He saw the read receipt, but Robert didn’t reply. Danny messaged him again: “Talk to me, Robert.”

He got a burrito while he waited for a response, but Robert didn’t reply. Danny decided to ask Joseph. He had wanted to hear it from Robert directly, but Robert clearly wasn’t going to talk to him about it. Danny walked along the pier to see if he could spot Joseph. He saw him on board a yacht. 

“Hey,” Danny said.

Joseph asked, “Did you change your mind?”

“No, I’m on my lunch break. Hey, Robert just cornered me.”

“You better come up.”

“Dude, I can’t be long. I’ll be late for work.”

“It’ll just take a minute,” Joseph said.

Danny went on the boat and Joseph explained the situation. Joseph slept with Robert – Robert initiated it, but Robert wasn’t ready for something casual and that’s all Joseph could offer. It didn’t sit right with Danny, but it was basically what happened to him and Robert too even though Danny did want to offer more. Danny said, “Robert was pretty pissed.”

Joseph shrugged. “You’re Mary’s friend. He probably took it more personally because of her.”

Danny said, “All right,” and digested the information.

Joseph said, “Have you decided if you’re going to come out with me? We could go tonight.”

“I’m not going,” Danny said. “I should have told you yesterday I just-“

Joseph smiled weakly. “You went to Mary.”

Danny nodded. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry for,” Joseph hesitated and said, “complicating things for you.”

Danny wasn’t sure he was, but he seemed sincere. Danny said, “I have to get back to work.”

“All right. I’ll see you around?”

Danny shrugged. He left and rushed back to work, but he was still over half an hour late.

*

When Danny came out of the office, he found a few messages from Damien. “Why were you late? They did you a favour by giving you a long lunch break, and they noticed you still took every other break in its entirety. Usually people trade those in.”

Danny sighed and replied, “It’s been a day.”

Damien asked, “What does that even mean?”

Danny went home and moved onto his back patio to smoke and drink. His desire to avoid Joseph wasn’t so strong that he’d smoke inside. He saw another message from Damien, “They think you were drunk at work. You’re on a thin ice. Be careful.”

It was Friday. This conversation seemed like a Monday problem.

Danny ignored it. He was a little bummed to see none of his other friends had messaged him. It was a Friday, after all. So he spent the evening watching TV and eating with Amanda. He drank a little more than his usual Friday. Amanda had three beers as well, still testing her tolerance under parental supervision. Danny almost forgot about his woes of the day while he and Amanda laughed over the movie. When Amanda went to bed, Danny cleaned up the living room. He kept dropping things and laughing at himself for trying to clean up while smashed. He finished off his bottle of whiskey and the fourth beer that Amanda started.

Danny heard someone shout outside, “What are you doing?”

He recognized Robert’s voice when Robert said, “Watering your plants.”

Danny stood up, losing his balance for a second and setting down his drink. He went to the window. Whiskey bottle in one hand and dick in the other, Robert pissed in Joseph’s plants. Joseph moved down the steps, into Danny’s eye line. Joseph said, “What the - what is your problem?”

“You know what my fucking problem is,” Robert hissed. “I’m marking my territory.”

“You’re pissing in my bushes. What are you marking?”

Danny opened the door and stepped outside. “Robert-”

Robert’s eyes shot to him. Both of them were drunk, but even with his dick out, Robert was threatening as hell. “What the fuck do you want?” Robert asked.

“I - I don’t know,” Danny said.

“That’s your fucking problem.”

Robert threw his bottle at him, and he nearly hit Danny with it. Danny wasn’t sure if his own intoxicated state made him slow to react, but he was glad Robert missed. Robert gave his dick a shake and put it away. Danny turned and found Craig beside him. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing there. Christ, he was drunk, but he felt safer with Craig next to him. Sure, Danny could take care of himself, but he wouldn’t have it in him to protect himself against Robert.

Robert’s eyes darted from Danny to Joseph, trying to decide who to yell at. Danny worried that Craig was busy thinking about his kids alone in his house and just wanted to get back inside. He loved that Craig came out, but he hated it too. Craig was too busy for his bullshit. Danny started, “Robert-”

Robert pointed a finger at him. “Don’t fucking talk to me.”

Robert looked at his hand and realized his whiskey bottle wasn’t there anymore. Danny couldn’t decide if Robert had wanted to drink from it or throw it at him again.

A new voice softly said, “Robert.”

They all turned to see Mary walking up the street. She was well past tipsy and barely walked in a straight line. She carried her heels between a few fingers of one hand. Mary said, “Robert, go to bed.”

Robert rubbed the back of his head and softened instantly. “Yeah, yeah all right.”

Mary walked towards Robert as Robert headed towards his house. They met in the middle and spoke quietly. Joseph folded his arms across his chest and watched from the doorway. Craig put a hand on Danny’s back. “Go inside,” he said.

Danny looked around and saw lights on in all the homes on the cul-de-sac. How many of the other dads watched? He wondered if Craig hadn’t been there, if someone else would have come out to help him. He was suddenly hit with a pang of sorrow. “Sorry I’m - Christ, Craig.”

Craig pushed him towards the door, and Danny complied and went back inside. He sat on the couch and rubbed his face. Craig went into the kitchen and poured a glass of water. He handed it to Danny and sat down beside him. “Thanks,” Danny said. “You can go home. I’m sure you’re worried about your kids.”

Craig started, “I am, but-” Danny downed the glass of water. Craig said, “Bro, how much have you had to drink?”

“I don’t know. I started yesterday. Can’t get a hangover if you don’t stop drinking.”

“Dude - we’re not in college anymore.”

“Oh, I am well fucking aware we’re not in college,” Danny said, sharply. “If we were still in college I wouldn’t be the only fuck up.”

“You’re not a fuck up.”

“Some guy I was - past tense, was - sleeping with is pissing in a married man’s bushes because he thinks I’m stupid enough to sleep with him.”

“That sounds like his problem,” Craig said.

Danny rubbed his face. “Well, I mean, I don’t know. Maybe I led him on. - I think part of me was aware he was interested in me - that I was flirting back a bit too much. I don’t know.”

Craig didn’t say anything. Danny moved the empty glass between his hands. He couldn’t be bothered to get up and grab another. Danny said, “Would you go home? Please just go home.”

“Is Amanda okay?”

“Yeah, I’m sure she was awake for it. I’ll talk to her.”

“Hugo says she’s struggling.”

“Not sure why he’d tell you.”

“Dude, we’re all worried about you,” Craig said.

Danny snorted. “Worried enough to turn on the lights and watch the disaster that is me, but not worried enough to come out and help.”

“Come on, you would have hated it if they all came out to help. Bro, you’re mad at me for doing it.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re pissed.”

“Yeah, I’m mad,” Danny said. “It’s just - it’s all really fucked up.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Danny repeated. “Would you go now? Now that you’ve deemed me incapable of taking care of my own daughter and made sure I knew the whole neighbourhood thinks I’m a drunk.”

“I need to know you’re going to be okay.”

“Please, I’m not pissing in bushes. You know me drunk. I’m harmless. I just - I sleep a lot.”

“And hate yourself.”

“No, I hate Alex. I hate him for being dead and dumping all of this on me.”

“All of this?”

“Just - just having to exist without him. It sucks. It’s so hard, dude.”

Craig just watched him for a moment, and Danny couldn’t decide if he felt better saying the words aloud or worse. He could almost see them hanging in the air, and he started to worry that Amanda could hear him. Christ, he should be over his dead husband’s death by now.

Craig finally said, “I’m going to call Mat to keep an eye on the girls. I’m going to stay the night.”

“Don’t do that. You’re just going to make me drink water.”

“Yes,” Craig said, “but I promise I’ll make you pancakes in the morning.”

“You never could cook.”

“Bro, people change.”

Danny hesitated. He just wanted to make sure Amanda was okay. He said, “Fine. I’m just going to check in on Amanda.”

“Okay, I’ll call Mat from your living room.”

Danny knocked on the door and he heard a sigh and a, “Yeah?”

He opened the door slightly, and Amanda sat up in bed. Danny remembered when Amanda was young and afraid of thunderstorms. If Alex was working shiftwork, Danny would sleep on the floor of her room to protect her from the noises. He wished he could sleep on her floor now.

“What did you hear?” Danny asked.

Amanda shrugged. “Enough.”

“Are we going to talk about this?” Danny asked.

Amanda shook her head and said, “What’s there to talk about?”

Danny’s head ached as he thought about it. He smiled and said, “I don’t know.

Amanda offered him a groggy smile in response. “Pretty cool you’ve got all the guys fighting over you.”

“I live a very glamorous life.”

The pair laughed softly to each other. After a beat of silence, Amanda said, “I heard what you said about dad.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry you heard that.”

Amanda shook her head. “Don’t be. It’s not easy for me either. I was supposed to have two cool dads arguing about money and what college I should go.”

Danny nodded and said, “Sorry I’m such a mess.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Amanda said. Silence hung between them and Amanda asked, “Why is Craig so worried about you?”

“We just drank too much in college,” Danny said. “Craig would wander off and jump off the roof into a pool and I’d get blackout drunk and end up crying in his bed. He’s just seen me at my worst and thinks I’ll repeat myself.”

“And will you?”

“No,” Danny said. “Panda, I have you. It’ll never be like it was in college. As sad as losing Alex makes me, I’m so happy to have you.”

Amanda smiled weakly. He worried she wasn’t convinced. Danny said, “You live with me. Do you think it’s a problem?”

Amanda’s smile faded. “You’ve been off lately, but you’ve been off before. I only thought twice about it because of Craig.”

Danny nodded. “Okay. I’ll cut back anyway, all right? And you’re not worried about this Robert stuff?”

“Dad, literally nothing exciting happens to us. I’m loving the drama.”

Danny laughed. “Okay, okay.”

“Dad, can I go back to sleep?”

“Yeah, sorry. Love you, Panda.”

Amanda leaned back in her bed and said, “Love you, dad.”

Danny closed the bedroom door and exhaled. He heard Craig talking in the living room. He went into his bedroom and hesitated. He spotted a bottle of whiskey on the nightstand and poured himself a few fingers. After a beat of hesitation, he left the glass and took the bottle with him as he climbed out his bedroom window. He carried the bottle as he moved through backyards to reach Robert’s house.

He shimmed the sliding door open without difficulty and walked into the room. A sliver of light from Robert’s backyard spread across Robert’s bed. “What the fuck-”

Danny said, “It’s just me.”

Robert turned on the bedside lamp. He was sleeping in a pair of black boxers, nothing else. Danny could clearly see the scar on his chest now - the one he always made up a different damn story for. He said, “I know it’s you. What’re you doing breaking into my house?”

Danny asked, “Did Mary talk to you?”

Robert hesitated. “Yeah.”

“You should know me better than to think I’d willingly hurt either of you.”

“That’s the problem, isn’t it? We don’t really know each other at all,” Robert replied.

“In my defence, you just make up bullshit all the time.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve got to be honest with you,” Danny said.

“Because you’re holding a bottle of whiskey?”

“Because apparently the neighbourhood thinks I’m not fit to take care of my own daughter even though she’s fine. And yes, the whiskey is helping.”

“If you’re hitting me with truth bombs, can I get a swig?”

“Yeah.”

Danny took a drink from the bottle and then handed it to Robert. He took a drink and nodded for him to start. Danny said, “I deserve better than this. I deserve to be loved.”

“Okay, but-”

“Shut up,” Danny said. “I’m not done.”

Robert tried not to laugh. Maybe they shouldn’t have had this conversation when they were both way past smashed. Danny tried to supress his own giggles. Fuck, Robert was cute when he laughed like this. Robert said, “Okay.”

Danny blinked sharply and said, “I deserve better than this. I deserve to be loved, but so do you. We’ve treated each other the way we think the other wants to be treated. I pegged you for a guy who just wanted a fuck and nothing else, and you thought I was a guy who just wanted to use you as an object.”

Robert rubbed the back of his head.

“I’m not saying let’s get married or even that we should try loving each other, but if sex is ruining what could be a really good friendship, maybe we should stop.”

Robert took another drink from the wine bottle, but he didn’t reply.

Danny said, “You wouldn’t have been mad about me spending time with Joseph if you didn’t worry about me.”

Robert sighed. “He’s an asshole.”

“And I believe you.”

Robert said, “Is that all you wanted to say?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Well, let me sleep on it. I don’t know if you’re worth my time anymore.”

Danny laughed.

“What?”

“You’re just such an asshole,” Danny said.

“Well, you know what you signed up for. See yeah.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I’m keeping this whiskey.”

“Fine.”

Danny slid out the sliding door and closed it behind him. He walked through backyards again and crawled back in his own window. When he was halfway through, he noticed Craig sitting on his bed. Craig helped him back through the window. Craig sharply said, “Fuck you.”

“Okay-”

“I come back here and can’t find you and there’s a glass of whiskey here and an opened bottle under your bed.”

“Um, yeah. What do you want to know about first?”

“None of it,” Craig said. “I have enough kids, Danny. I don’t need another.”

“And I don’t need another dad,” Danny said.

“You’re sure acting like you do,” Craig said. “Tell me what’s going on. I knew Amanda leaving would hit you hard, but-”

“I hate my job,” Danny said. “I wasn’t going to go back into IT.”

“Oh. What were you going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Danny, we’re old. You can’t just ‘figure things out’ on a whim. You have responsibilities, financial ones.”

Danny’s good humour left him. Here this guy was worrying his daughter about nothing and lecturing him about bullshit he already knew. “Like I needed another lecture tonight,” Danny said. “I’m going to bed. Go home. Fuck pancakes.”

“Are you - are you telling me to go fuck pancakes?”

Danny tried not to laugh, and Craig smirked at him. “You know what I mean, asshole.”

Danny pulled off his clothes, and Craig just watched him. Danny asked, “What?”

“It’s just - it’s been a while since I’ve seen you like this.”

He meant the last time he saw him without a shirt in person he had breasts.

Craig said, “You’ve always been beautiful, Danny. Doesn’t matter if you work out or don’t. You’re just always perfect.”

Danny’s shoulders slackened. He liked hearing it, but he wished Craig had said handsome. 

Craig said, “Do you avoid me because I remind you of who you were?”

“What? I don’t avoid you.”

“You’ve been avoiding me, bro.”

“Dude, I just haven’t been bending over backwards for you,” Danny said. “Every time we hang out I’m doing whatever you need. I get that you’re busy, but I just - I needed a break.”

“Because you hate your job.”

Danny rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s just, it’s a lot of emotional work, and at the end of the day, I don’t really want to hang out with you only to watch you get hit on by moms for an hour while we squeeze in maybe five minutes of genuine conversation.”

“Yeah,” Craig said. He repeated, “Yeah,” a bit softer. “I’m sorry about that.”

Danny shrugged. “You’re an eligible bachelor.”

Craig shook his head. “I’m not interested. It’s hard to tell them that.”

Danny didn’t have the heart to tell him it was more than that - that he felt like they hadn’t really talked since they were reunited. Maybe Craig and he didn’t really have anything in common. Maybe without college tying them together, they didn’t have anything to talk about.

Despite Danny trying to go to bed, Craig didn’t move from his spot on it. Danny asked, “Do you want me to sleep on the couch?”

“I want to know what’s going on. Why are you acting like we’re still in college?”

Danny hugged himself. “Dude, I’m not - a lot’s happening at once. Amanda’s leaving, Damien went out of his way to get me this job that I hate, I don’t know what I’m doing with any of my relationships, and I miss the fuck out of Alex. It’s so hard knowing that I’m going to be alone once Amanda leaves. Everything is going to change.”

“You won’t be alone, bro.”

“Yes, I will. I’ve never been alone. I lived at home, and then I was in the girl’s dorm, and then we became roommates, and then I married Alex. I just - I know a pet isn’t going to fix this, and I can’t ask my friends to be in my pocket all the time because I’m lonely.”

Craig asked, “And you think Robert is the solution?”

Danny scoffed. “No. Robert’s fun, and, uh, thorough. I just like him. I doubt he’d ever want to be serious. I barely know him, and I don’t want to make a decision like that if I’m upset like this. I don’t want a relationship built on my anxiety about being alone.”

Craig didn’t reply. It looked like he considered what Danny said.

Danny said, “The drinking really isn’t a problem. I know I shouldn’t have snuck some at work I just - I had a bad day, that’s all.”

Craig rubbed the back of his head. “You have a bottle under your bed.”

“Please, Craig. If I was drinking like we were in college, there would be empty bottles under the bed. You know how bad I am at restocking shit.”

Craig laughed. “I don’t know if I’m a fucking idiot, but I believe you.”

Danny smiled and sat down beside Craig. “I don’t know why you’re so worried. I always bounce back. I wasn’t the one pissing in bushes, and Amanda’s not worried.”

“I don’t think you remember how bad it got.”

“I remember just fine.”

“You remember when we slept together and pretended to forget so we wouldn’t have to tell Alex and Ashley?”

Danny laughed. “Christ, yeah. I never did tell Alex.”

“How many times did it happen?”

“What? Just the once.”

“Danny, it happened twice.”

Danny shook his head. “No, just once.”

“You and Alex had a fight about god knows what and you told me you loved me and that we should run away together,” Craig said. “There was a lot to it - you told me about being trans and that Alex wanted to have biological children which meant staying like you were for longer and having to go through that. There was other stuff - I don’t know.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah, and when I got up the next morning, you acted like nothing happened - I mean you were throwing up, but you know what I mean. So I thought, ‘Okay, I guess we’re going to play this game again,’ and tried not to think about it. I really,” Craig hesitated and said, “I really cared about you. I didn’t understand everything you were going through - and hell, I still don’t know all of it - but I wanted to be that rock you needed. It hurt when you forgot, but I loved Ashley too. It just made a hard decision a lot easier.”

“God, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, dude.”

“I realized that you actually didn’t remember when you talked to me about being trans again. It was, god, years later, I think? It was on the phone.”

Danny laughed. “I always wondered why you didn’t really react.”

“Yeah,” Craig said. “Do you ever think about what it would have been like if we had ended up together?”

Danny nodded. “I thought about it.”

“And?”

“We were bad for each other in college. Neither of us had much direction - we were both followers. I don’t know if we ever would have gotten our shit together.”

Craig smiled. “I thought the same thing. I like to think I would have changed, but being a dad’s changed me the most. And if I had been with you,” his voice trailed off.

“We wouldn’t have had kids.”

“Right. I wouldn’t have wanted to put you through that.”

“I mean I did agree to it,” Danny said, “and I got Amanda, who’s perfect.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

They sat quietly for a few moments. Danny wondered what sort of guy he’d be if he hadn’t had Amanda. He wondered how closely to Robert he would have turned out. He didn’t think he’d have ever gotten over Alex without Amanda. Hell, he wasn’t exactly over it now.

His train of thought stopped when Craig’s fingers brushed against his hand. Craig softly said, “We’re different people now, bro.”

His heard pounded in his chest. Craig’s hands were calloused, but they felt perfect against his hands. And he was scared. He didn’t want to fuck up with Craig. He couldn’t lose him. Danny drew his hand away from Craig’s and said, “Apparently I’m not that much different. You were just saying you didn’t want to take care of me.”

“You crawled in through the window, bro,” Craig said. “I was just scared.”

Danny said, “Listen, I don’t know what I want. I’m scared to start something now. And I don’t - I can’t lose what we have.”

“You won’t, bro.”

“Things change. You know that better than most people. You can’t make that promise now.”

Craig softened. “All right. Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

Craig asked, “Can we still sleep together?”

“Like bang?”

Craig laughed. “No, like sleep. We did it all the time in college. I can’t tell you how many times we woke up in the other’s bed when one of us had a rough night.”

“That’s true. All right, sure.”

Danny was scared. How would Craig feel different? Would he just miss Alex more? He remembered a camping trip with the three of them - Ashley had gotten food poisoning and ditched at the last minute. Craig wasn’t sure if he should go, but Alex insisted. Danny ended up sleeping between the two of them. Craig had pulled him against him, spooning him. Alex slept with his back to Danny. It never bothered him. Alex never would have cared if Danny slept around - it was part of what he loved about him.

He wasn’t sure why he never told Alex that he had slept with Craig. Did he want the memory to stay just between them? Was he afraid of how telling Alex would change those moments? Or was he worried what it would mean to Craig?

Danny flicked off the light as Craig undressed. He caught glimpses of his sculpted form as Danny slid into bed. Craig slid in soon after him. Craig asked, “Still like being the little spoon?”

“I don’t know.”

Craig wrapped his arms around him while pulling Danny against him. Danny smiled to himself. Craig always felt like Craig. He was one of the few people that was his height - Craig often bragged about being an inch taller, but Danny wasn’t so sure. Still, Craig’s nose brushed against the back of his head. Danny would be able to turn his head to kiss him without any difficulty. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he always fit with Craig like they were joining puzzle pieces.

“This okay?” Craig asked.

“Yeah.”

Craig smiled against the back of his head. Danny relaxed in his touch. They sat quietly for a moment, with Danny’s head slightly spinning. He should have drunk more water. Craig said, “You’re a good dad, you know.”

“You are too.”

“I really like that about you. No matter what’s going on, Amanda comes first. I get that.”

“Yeah.”

Craig shifted and nuzzled into the back of his neck. Craig breathed him in. “You even smell like you did in college.”

“It’s different cigarettes.”

“I doubt my sniffer is that sensitive, bro.”

Danny laughed, and Craig gave him a squeeze. Danny admitted, “I was just thinking about how you feel the same. We always fit together really well like this.”

“You’ve always been comfy.”

Craig draped his leg over Danny for emphasis and blew a raspberry against his neck. Danny laughed. They stayed cuddling for a bit longer, just listening to the quiet neighbourhood. Danny absently worried about, well, everything. As much as he liked Craig, he felt like they were in a loop reliving memories of their college days. They had grown and changed, but both of them were anchored to how they last saw them. Danny knew he was having a hard time accepting that Craig was thriving, and Craig still saw him as his sad, broken college roommate.

Craig said, “Bro?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s really cool that you understand how important my kids are to me. I mean, when you tell me to take a break, you’re just - you’re worried about me spreading myself thin. There’s no ulterior motive.”

“You always liked keeping busy.”

“Yeah, and we both crashed in our last year.”

“Yeah.”

Craig said, “I just - I was really relieved to see you here. I like the other dads fine, but you’ve - you’ve always felt like home, dude. Every summer when we went back to our parents’ places, I only ever felt like I was going home when I was coming back to you.”

Danny didn’t know what to say. That Craig’s success made him anxious? That sometimes he just didn’t have it in him to see how much Craig was thriving compared to him? That he just didn’t feel the same way? That he felt it in college, but now they felt more like strangers?

“Danny?”

“I just - I don’t know what I’m doing, bro.”

Craig loosened his grip. “Yeah, I know.”

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

“I know,” Craig said.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure I love Craig, but he was a good fit for this and I'm sorry. Also the first bit of this chapter was meant to be last chapter. And the rest of this was meant to be two chapters. So here have this mess. Sorry about the wait!
> 
> The Tom Waits for the Chapter is [Bottom of the World](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z6k4bWu5c8).

When Danny woke up in the morning, Craig wasn’t in bed with him. Danny put on a pair of pyjama bottoms and an old t-shirt before he walked into the kitchen. Amanda sat at the breakfast bar while Craig made pancakes. Danny sat down beside Amanda, who kept her head down on the counter. They didn’t talk about what happened. Craig made light small talk and Amanda asked questions about his girls to keep him talking. Danny simply nursed his hangover, not eager to make conversation or make eye contact with Craig.

He was still kind of pissed. He wasn’t in any trouble, and Craig being there only made it seem like he was struggling. And he was struggling, but not with what Craig worried about. Once they finished breakfast, Danny thanked him and mentioned how nice it’ll be to see his girls when he gets home. Craig motioned for him to follow him outside, and Danny complied.

“You’re still mad, bro,” Craig said.

“Yeah,” Danny said.

Craig rubbed his arm. “I liked being with you last night.”

Danny softened. “Yeah.”

“Are we okay?”

Danny wasn’t sure. He said, “Yeah,” and felt bad about lying.

“Are you going to say anything else to me?”

Danny laughed. “Yeah.” He got a chuckle out of Craig, and Danny continued, “Thanks for breakfast. I’m just - you know.”

“I don’t, dude.”

Danny rubbed his face. “I’m hungover.”

“Yeah, all right,” Craig said. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Danny went back inside, and Amanda asked, “Pickle juice?”

“Christ, I guess so,” Danny said. “PJs and movie day?”

“I have homework, dad.”

“You have Sunday.”

Amanda laughed. “We’ll watch one movie, then I’ll take a break and work, and then another movie over dinner, all right?”

Danny dropped on the couch and pouted, “All right.”

*

A week passed by quickly. Danny and Amanda had dinner with Craig every night at his insistence that they can’t survive on pizza and burgers. By Friday, Danny and Amanda were burned out. Danny had to put up with social politeness at work, and he was sick of trying to put on a happy face for dinner as well. Amanda was often roped into babysitting while Danny and Craig talked, but her payment was the dinner.

Over the phone, Danny said to Craig, “We just really need a night to ourselves.”

Craig said, “You two are going to order pizza.”

“We wouldn’t dare,” Danny said, crossing his fingers for Amanda to see.

“Come on, Friday is fajita night, bro.”

Danny said, “It sounds great, but we’re just going to take a night to ourselves. You understand, right? It’s time I want to spend with my daughter.”

Danny hoped playing the ‘Good Dad’ card would work, and Craig said, “Yeah, I understand. My girls probably could use some one-on-one time too. That’s a good point. How about a Sunday brunch together instead?”

“I’ll have to run it by Amanda later, but maybe?”

Amanda made a face. Craig said, “Then we’ll talk tomorrow, bro. Have a good night.”

“Yeah, you too.”

Danny hung up, and Amanda said, “We’re free?”

“For tonight,” Danny said. “He mentioned a Sunday brunch.”

“I might be able to swing that,” Amanda said. “He’s a really good cook.”

“I’m glad we’re taking a break though.”

“Oh yeah, fuck that guy. I’m not babysitting for free on a Friday night.”

“Amanda,” Danny sighed. He thought about telling her off for cussing. “You’re right, fuck him.”

Amanda laughed. She pulled out her laptop, and both looked at the computer screen as they debated over what to order. The pizza place had a deal for three large pizzas, but the large boxes didn’t fit neatly in the fridge. They’d have to reorganize to make it work. There was a knock on the door, and Amanda said, “If he’s showing up for our pizza night, I’m gonna tell him off.”

She opened the door to Robert. Amanda frowned. Robert rubbed the back of his head and said, “Hey. Your dad around?”

Amanda opened the door wider. Danny said, “Hey,” from the couch.

Robert shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “So, my DVD player is broken,” his voice trailed off.

“Do you want me to take a look at it?” Danny asked.

“Uh, yeah, maybe later, but, I thought, I don’t know, maybe you two would want to watch a movie.”

Danny softened. “Hey, I’m sorry, but I promised Amanda a night with just me. Can we reschedule?”

“Dad,” Amanda said. “Dad, he’s carrying a box set of John Carpenter flicks.”

Amanda pushed Robert in and closed the door. Robert said, “If you’re having a night to yourselves, you can just borrow it. It’s not like I can watch them at home.”

“Uh, yeah, like I’m gonna pass up listening to your commentary on ‘They Live,’” Amanda said. She said to Danny, “Can you imagine what this guy has to say about that fifteen-minute irrelevant fight scene?”

Robert looked visibly uncomfortable. He didn’t move far from the door. Amanda had already sat back down on the couch. Robert said, “Danny?”

“If she wants you here then we’re good,” Danny said. “Come on, we’re ordering pizza.”

“Great,” Robert said. “Make sure there’s pineapple.”

Amanda said, “Get the fuck out, old man.”

Robert hesitated, and Danny said, “She’s joking.” Danny paused and said to Amanda, “You’re joking, right?”

“Yeah, I’m joking,” Amanda said, “but also, gross. Dad likes that garbage though, so I guess I’ll just have to order a whole pizza for myself.”

Amanda sighed dramatically. Robert kicked off his shoes and still hesitated. Danny stood up and took the box set from him before motioning for him to sit down. Robert shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and he looked away when Danny offered him a smile. He wasn’t sure what prompted this behaviour from Robert. Robert’s jeans weren’t ripped at all, and his shirt didn’t have a hole in the collar. Danny thought it might have been chance, but it looked like Robert made an effort to look just a bit more cleaned up.

Robert sat down across from them and they debated their pizza options. They went for the three larges, cheese bread, various dipping sauces, and a few bottles of pop. Once the order was placed, Robert stood up. “Oh, I forgot. Can I bring Betsy?”

Amanda hesitated, clearly worried about children. “Who’s Betsy?”

“It’s his dog,” Danny said.

“Heck yeah!” Amanda said. “Get the fuck out, old man, and don’t come back until you’ve got the good stuff.”

“I know you’re not joking this time,” Robert said, “but I’d appreciate less of this ‘old man’ shit.”

Amanda just shrugged and, after a beat of hesitation, Robert put on his shoes and left. Danny asked, “You’re really okay with Robert being around?”

“Yeah,” Amanda said. “I know he’s not, like, poisoning you or something. Besides he’s weird as hell and comes with a dog. He’s a good fit.”

“For me?”

“For movie nights, dad,” Amanda said. “Though I mean, you can date whoever. I thought,” she paused and said, “I thought you and Craig were starting something. I thought that’s what these dinners were about.”

“I told him I wasn’t ready to make that decision,” Danny said. “I don’t know what the dinners are for, but I’ve been having some real healthy poops.”

Amanda gasped. “Me too.”

“Maybe this garbage isn’t good for us?”

Amanda shrugged. “I’m willing to sacrifice some healthy BMs for pizza.”

They laughed, and Robert returned moments later with Betsy. The dog made an immediate beeline to Amanda. “This is the dumbest looking dog I’ve ever seen,” Amanda said.

“Be respectful,” Robert said, sharply. “She’s highly intelligent.”

Amanda pet Betsy’s back while the dog licked a stain on the floor. They started the movie and paused it briefly when the food arrived to set themselves back up in front of the TV. They kept the box out of dog-reach and they chatted idly about the movie as they ate and watched. Robert tried to convince them both that he was an extra in a John Carpenter movie that got stuck in development hell and was never made. Amanda and Danny were sceptical, but also couldn’t be sure he wasn’t telling the truth.

After the first movie, Amanda got up and stretched. “I think I need a break,” she said. “Can I take a few pictures of Betsy?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Robert said. “I just wanna see them.”

Amanda called Betsy over, and the dog trotted up to her and followed her down the hallway. Robert exhaled and Danny took the plates into the kitchen. Amanda shouted, “I’m going to be in and out, so don’t, like, make out on the couch because I’m probably going to walk in at some point.”

Danny laughed and said, “You just don’t trust us!”

“I don’t want to see it!” Amanda said. “Please!”

Danny asked Robert, “Do you want another slice before I sit back down?”

“I’m good,” Robert said. As Danny moved back into the living room, Robert added, “Thanks.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Should we watch another?”

“Can I clear the air?” Robert asked.

Danny hesitated. “I don’t mean to pressure you-”

“You’re not,” Robert said. “This was - uh - I had wanted to,” he hesitated. 

It was strange how eloquently Robert could fabricate stories, but when it came to having a real conversation, he found it difficult to say anything at all. Danny waited. He tried not to stare at him, and he noted how Robert was avoiding his eye. For once, Danny wasn’t nervous. Whatever Robert had to say, Danny was prepared for the worst. 

Robert exhaled and said, “I want to try this friend thing.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to confuse things. Like, I don’t want to think - I don’t want us to be physical.”

Danny nodded. “All right.”

Robert nervously rubbed the back of his neck. “I really like you.”

Robert moved to the couch with Danny. Danny leaned back slightly and worried it was a test that he would definitely fail. Danny said, “I really like being with you too.”

“I know Craig’s been sniffing around,” Robert said, “and you guys have history. I just - Danny, I’m never the first choice. I like kissing you and cuddling and,” Robert checked down the hallway that Amanda had disappeared down and lowered his voice to add, “and fucking you,” before raising it again to continue, “but I can’t - I can’t lose someone again. Something about you makes me relax and I can’t - I don’t want to lose that. So I need us to just be friends.”

Danny tried to read between the lines without asking for more information. He knew it wasn’t easy for Robert to open up, and he didn’t want him to snap shut if he asked for more. Still, Danny simply asked, “Do you want me to fight for you, or do you want me to drop it?”

Robert’s eyes widened for a moment. “What?”

“Is this a test to see how much I want to try things with you?” Danny asked. “Or is me fighting just going to hurt you more?”

“This wasn’t a test, but,” Robert hesitated, as if he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer, “So nothing’s happening with Craig?”

Danny explained the situation - from Craig starting the campaign to get Danny a job to Craig staying over after Robert drunkenly pissed in Joseph’s bushes into their frequent dinners and Amanda’s endless free babysitting. Danny said, “I really care about him, but I’m just not - I know if we dated now, Amanda would be roped into babysitting a lot more. And if we ended up together, I’d be guilted into ballgames and pizza parties and have to deal with single parents hitting on Craig in front of me and - Craig’s current lifestyle just isn’t mine. I mean I like the dinners, but I know we’re having them because it’s the only time he can fit me in.”

“So you were just stalling when you said you weren’t ready for a relationship?”

“No,” Danny said. “No, I really - I couldn’t imagine trying to date someone while I’m trying to say goodbye to Amanda. Forget it. I shouldn’t have brought anything up. We’ll just - we’ll be friends.”

Robert kissed him - hard. He pried open Danny’s mouth with his own before flicking their tongues together. When Danny responded in kind, Robert spread Danny’s legs and pushed him back against the couch, propping himself up on top of Danny. Robert broke the kiss to pull off Danny’s shirt.

Amanda said, “Seriously? Guys, I just asked you like two seconds ago to not to do this.”

Amanda carried Betsy under one arm. Danny’s shirt was tangled in his arms. Robert laughed. Danny said, “Sorry,” and pulled his shirt back on as Robert sat back up. “I don’t know what happened.”

“I shouldn’t have come in when I didn’t hear anything,” Amanda said, scoffing. “I was getting a bowl of water for Betsy, and now I’m going outside so I can get a few pics of Betsy in the sunset. Please be respectful of the fact that your daughter could walk back in at any moment.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Danny said.

Amanda filled a bowl with water and then walked back down the hallway with Betsy under her arm. Danny sat back up and exhaled. Robert loosely draped his arm around Danny’s shoulder before leaning back on the couch. Danny said, “Are we going to talk about this?”

“Nope,” Robert said. “A misstep.”

Danny leaned back into Robert’s arm. Robert didn’t pull it away. Danny asked, “You never said anything about that night - when you thought I slept with Joseph.”

“I probably won’t say anything.”

“Why did you think I did it? I tried to tell you.”

“After I stormed off I realized you were probably just getting a burrito, so I went back to talk to you, and I saw you talking to Joseph on the boat,” Robert said. “It made sense that you were just trying to figure out why I snapped at you, but I wasn’t really thinking rationally. I know what Joseph’s like and I guess I thought you were trying to juggle me and him.”

Danny wanted more information, but he didn’t want to keep prying. He simply asked, “So it’s safe to assume you have some serious trust issues?”

Robert laughed. “Yeah. Partly because I’m not a trustworthy guy and I assume everyone lies as much as I do.”

“And I’m not going to hear the other partly, right?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. He added, “I mean, not anytime soon.”

“Okay, yeah, that’s all right. You can start the movie.”

Robert started the movie and snuggled into Danny. It surprised him. Robert’s leg pressed up against his, and as Robert leaned back, he tightened his grip around Danny, pulling him close. After a few minutes, Robert paused the movie. It hadn’t really started. Robert said, “Maybe you hesitate with Craig because Craig needs people to push him to do better - he needs clear reasons and clear consequences and goals, so he thinks that’s what you need. But that’s not what you need, because you’re a pretty calculated person and maybe sometimes you suffer with inaction, but you’re not fucking Hamlet or whatever. You just need some patience and time to work through your shit, like I do. It’s just - it’s something I’ve always appreciated about you. You’re patient with me when I need it, but you don’t let me take advantage of you either.”

Robert started the movie again, not really giving time for Danny to reply, so Danny dropped it. He thought absently about what Robert said. They talked about the movie as it played, and Amanda ultimately joined them about halfway through. Of course she’d seen Village of the Damned before and didn’t need a recap. Robert took his arm off of Danny, but he stayed on the sofa with the other two. Betsy sat on Robert’s lap.

Once the movie finished, Robert said, “I better take Betsy back in case she’s hungry.”

Danny asked, “Do you want me to take a look at your DVD player?”

“Please you hate that shit,” Robert said. “I’ll just buy a new one.”

Amanda said, “No, he hates his job because people are mean. He honestly loves tinkering with stuff. I swear sometimes he breaks stuff just to see if he can fix it.”

“I don’t.”

“Sure dad.”

Robert said, “Well, if you’re offering your time, sure, I’d appreciate it. Doesn’t have to be right now.”

Amanda said, “It might as well be right now.”

Danny watched Amanda for a minute. He wouldn’t put it past her to try to set him up, but he doubted that was her strategy here. He said, “You’re trying to get an invite to Robert’s place.”

“I wanna watch Prince of Darkness, okay?” Amanda said. “I haven’t seen it. I didn’t even know it existed and Alice Cooper is in it.”

Robert laughed. “You can borrow the set.”

Amanda looked at Danny and then looked back to Robert. She said, “You just know a lot about it.”

“She wants your commentary,” Danny said.

“He knows a lot about film! And I wanna take a film course. It’s good research.”

“As if your food coma doesn’t make you forget about it two seconds later,” Danny said.

“How about I’ll get some food for Betsy and bring it over,” Robert said. “Then you and I aren’t standing around waiting for Danny to fix it, and I don’t want to worry about your teen fingers touching my shit.”

“Nice, the dog’s staying too,” Amanda said. “This is great! I’m switching to pjs.”

Amanda darted off. Danny said, “You sure you’re okay with this?”

“Invite me to stay over,” Robert said.

“Oh, uh-”

“No funny stuff,” Robert said, “I know you’re not quiet.”

“Okay, sure. Why don’t you stay over?”

Robert said, “That’d be great.”

He left with Betsy, and Amanda came back in with her pyjama bottoms on. Danny changed into his as well, and Robert returned shortly with a small bag of dog food and a proper dish. They plowed through the final movie, and Amanda double checked to make sure they hadn’t left anything around that Betsy could eat during the night. 

Still, Betsy voted to sleep in Amanda’s room, and as Robert undressed in Danny’s room, he said, “See? Always second choice.”

Danny wasn’t sure whether or not to laugh, and Robert didn’t seem like he was in the mood. Robert seemed downright chipper until he started to undress in Danny’s room. Now shadows crossed Robert’s face with an uneasy frown. Robert didn’t say anything as they crawled into bed together, but he made sure they were facing each other. Robert kissed him again, and Robert hooked his leg over him as he pulled him closer. Danny found himself heated up in moments, and he squeezed Robert’s ass as Robert ground up against him. He easily felt Robert’s erection against his stomach.

“I want to eat you out until you scream,” Robert said against his mouth. “What do you want?”

Danny’s head was spinning. He was turned on to hell and Robert kept moving his cock against his stomach. He asked, “What?”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I want to fuck you,” Danny said.

Robert bit Danny’s lower lip before saying, “With a strap-on?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I want to bend you over the counter and fuck you off the floor.”

“Holy shit,” Robert said, moving against him. “I almost came just from hearing that.”

Danny slid his hands down Robert’s boxers and started to jerk off his already oozing cock. He was surprised Robert was serious. Robert started to pant against his mouth. “Keep talking,” Robert said.

“The dildo would be as big as you thought you could take,” Danny said against his lips. “And I’d slam it so deep into your thirsty ass that I’d have to lift you up to hit it. I’d finally get to hear you lose control.”

Robert sucked his lower lip while he moved his hips in time with Danny’s rhythm. He nodded. Danny circled his thumb around the head of Robert’s slick cock as he continued, “I wouldn’t even have to jerk you off. You’d come just from me pounding into your ass, and I’d make sure you took in every inch. You’ll be so full you won’t be able to keep from yelling out your orgasm.”

Robert suppressed a few gasps as he came into Danny’s hand. Robert panted against Danny’s mouth, kissing him when he caught his breath enough to. Danny pulled his hand out of Robert’s boxers and rolled onto his back. Robert nuzzled in next to him, and Danny licked his fingers. Robert said, “You’re so fucking hot.”

“You said no funny stuff.”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “Sorry. Do you want me to finger you?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Are you mad?”

“What?” Danny asked, “No. No, of course not.”

He rolled back onto his side to watch Robert. Robert said, “I can go down on you.”

“Robert, you can’t make me orgasm without causing me to shake the foundation of whatever home we’re in. You can just owe me one.”

Robert said, “Which means it’ll happen again.”

“Yeah, is that okay?”

“Danny - I’m just - I’m real fucked up, and I’m always the last choice. I don’t think I could deal with you running off with someone else.”

“I know there’s nothing I can say to give you confidence,” Danny said, “So what do you want me to do? Just keep going as we’re going, hooking up sometimes, but always being friends first?”

“Yeah, yeah I think that’d be okay. I’d be fine if you started dating someone and you said, ‘Hey we can’t fuck anymore.’”

Danny laughed. “Like we said we wouldn’t a few hours ago.”

Robert laughed too and kissed Danny. “A handie isn’t fucking - not that I’d expect that if you were - shit, you know what I mean.”

Danny smiled. “Yeah, I know.”

Robert hugged Danny against him and kissed him again. Danny relaxed, and Robert tilted Danny’s head to kiss his forehead. He shifted and said, “I can’t sleep with my boxers like this.”

Danny laughed, and Robert started taking off his boxers under the sheets. Robert continued, “Should have known better than to keep them on around you.”

“Just toss them with my clothes. I’ll wash them so you don’t have to worry about them.”

“So just go home commando.”

“Like you haven’t before,” Danny said.

Robert smiled and sat up to toss them with Danny’s clothes piled on the floor. He stayed sitting up and asked, “Little spoon? Big spoon?”

Danny hesitated and then said, “Little.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

Danny rolled over, and Robert nuzzled in behind him. His fingers traced along Danny’s chest, and he hooked his leg over Danny’s hip. Danny tried to focus on the differences. Robert smelt different than Alex. His fingers were more calloused. His breaths were deeper - raspier. Robert’s junk pressed against his back. Robert often slept nude with him, and Alex always tossed on boxers. Robert stayed awake longer. Danny always fell asleep after Alex, but he’d feel Robert’s eyelashes fluttering against him the entire time he was awake.

And he always woke up tangled up with Robert. He didn’t know why they always clung together while they slept. And he slept sounder, knowing Robert would be against him when he woke up.

*

Danny awoke to the smell of pancakes. It took him a few moments to properly wake up. Robert snored against his chest. He shifted, and Robert cursed under his breath. Robert rolled over but pressed back against Danny. Danny instinctively wrapped his arms around him and let the smell waft through the room.

“Is Amanda making pancakes?”

Robert said something incomprehensible under his breath.

Amanda opened the door to the room and softly said, “Dad?”

“Yeah?”

Amanda closed the door behind her, and Danny sat up, rubbing his eyes. Robert woke up quickly and made sure the blanket covered his waist and below. Amanda said, “Craig’s in the kitchen.”

“What?”

Amanda shrugged. “He’s making something.”

Robert asked, “Do you want me to climb out the window? I can grab Betsy.”

“No,” Danny said, quickly. As easy as that would make things, he didn’t really see the point of delaying the conversation. “No, I’m not ashamed of you.”

Robert’s eyes widened for a moment. “You really should be.”

“No, it’s okay. Just - we’ll get dressed, Amanda. You can go out already.”

Amanda said, “Oh, you want me to watch the train wreck. I bet I could go over to Daisy’s and still have pancakes without seeing how this plays out.”

“Come on,” Robert said, “if I wasn’t involved, I’d want a ticket to the show.”

Danny said, “You can leave if you want - or hide in your room, but if you’re going to Brian’s, call first to make sure it’s okay.”

Amanda groaned and said, “Of course, dad.”

She left and closed the door behind her. Robert slid out of bed and quickly dressed. Robert said, “I can really just climb out the window.”

“I meant what I said,” Danny replied, sliding out of bed. “Unless you don’t want to be found with me.”

Robert laughed. He gently pushed Danny against the wall and said, “As if the whole cul-de-sac doesn’t know I’m hooked on you.”

It was hot hearing it. Danny tried to figure out if they had time to make out, but Robert kissed his lips and pulled away despite Danny leaning into him. Robert patted his ass and said, “Get dressed.”

Danny just wore pyjama bottoms and tossed on a shirt. Robert dressed completely. Robert said, “I’m going to brush my teeth. Maybe go out first and I’ll just slip out.”

“You mean you don’t want to stay for pancakes?”

“I know better than to add fuel to the fire,” Robert said. “I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I could look at your DVD player later today.”

“Sure. Just message me and I’ll let you know where I’m at.”

“Sounds good.”

Robert added, “And hold onto the movie set for Amanda. She’ll want to look through some of the special features.”

“Okay,” Danny said.

Robert started to leave, but he hesitated. “What are you going to tell him?”

“You came over to watch a movie with me and Amanda. Amanda and I were just going to hang out, but Amanda wanted you around.”

“Right.”

“And then I’m going to tell him I was glad you stayed and we made out.”

“Christ,” Robert said. “All right.”

“Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah it’s okay.” Robert softened slightly and said, “I’m, uh, I’m actually happy you’re being honest about it.”

Danny shrugged and said, “I can’t lead Craig on.”

Robert frowned a bit and nodded. He left. Danny walked into the kitchen and found Amanda already at the counter. Betsy ate from her food dish on the floor. Craig was well aware of Betsy’s presence and had refilled her dish. Danny sat at the counter. “Hey. What’re you doing here?”

“Smashley took the kids for the day,” Craig said, “so I thought I’d come over and make breakfast to try to get that garbage out of your system. I knew you two would just eat cold pizza otherwise.”

Amanda said nothing, though she did have a plate of chocolate chip pancakes, complete with whipped cream. It was hardly healthy. Danny said, “And it was a surprise?”

“Yeah.”

Danny nodded and rubbed the back of his head. Craig laughed awkwardly and said, “I guess I’m the one surprised, unless you’re dog sitting.”

Robert came out of the hallway and into the living area, clearly looking for Betsy. He hesitated when he saw them all in the kitchen watching him. He said, “Hey.”

Craig said, “Hey.”

Amanda waved at him with a fork. “Thanks for sharing those movies,” she said. “Hopefully we can watch the rest soon.”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I was telling Danny you might want to check out the special features.”

“Without your commentary? No thanks,” Amanda said.

Robert smiled, and then sheepishly tucked it away when he looked back to Danny and Craig. He picked up the small bag of Betsy’s food off the counter and said, “We’ll watch it soon.”

“I’m holding you to that,” Amanda said.

Betsy, seeing the bag of food, barked and eagerly followed Robert out of the house. Robert closed the door behind him, but they could hear Betsy barking as he walked off the porch. Craig said, “So you guys decided not to take the night to yourselves.”

“It was my fault,” Amanda said, jumping on the grenade. “Mr. Small came over because his DVD player was broken, and Danny tried to stand in his way, but I really like John Carpenter and I needed to know why he had a box set.”

“Yeah, I’ll admit I’m curious too,” Craig said, laughing. “He’s into that stuff?”

“Yeah! Like, he’s super into film. I learned a lot,” Amanda said. “Some of the things can be applied to photography, and even those that can’t, it’s still interesting. And who knows? I might want to give film making a try some day.”

Danny asked, “What sorts of films would you want to make?”

“Uh, horror movies that are critical of contemporary issues, obviously,” Amanda said. She hesitated and added, “Or maybe some reality TV. That has to be fun.”

“Very true,” Danny said.

Craig nodded in agreement. “It sounds like it was fun.”

“Yeah,” Amanda said. “It was great.”

Amanda checked her phone and said, “Looks like Brian did want me to babysit today. He always pays me well. I’ll see you later, dad. Thanks for the breakfast, Mr. Cahn.”

“You’re welcome.”

Amanda darted off, and Danny was proud of her - both for trying to cover of him and also for coming up with a perfect escape plan while also subtly reminding Craig that her services weren’t exactly free. Craig said, “So I guess you guys mostly wanted a night off from us.”

Danny looked at him. Craig wasn’t mad. Not at all, actually. Danny shrugged and said, “Amanda likes your girls fine, but she was basically babysitting for free all week. She just wanted a break from kids.”

“And you?”

“Yeah, I needed a break too,” Danny said. “I just - I don’t get what you’re doing. Suddenly we’re having dinner every night and now you’re inviting yourself over to make breakfast.”

“Yeah - yeah, it was dumb,” Craig said. “I get it now. I just - that’s how it was with Alex, right? When you two started dating he was over making meals for us all the time and it was so much fun. I wasn’t - bro, I just realized how controlling it seems.”

Danny hesitated. He rubbed the back of his neck again. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry, I just - I was really excited to be with you and I guess I rushed things. Like, really rushed things. But that’s how I always am, right?” He laughed sharply and said, “Always jumping in without looking.”

Danny said, “I said I wasn’t ready for anything. I like being with you, but I want to spend my time with Amanda before she goes off to college.”

“Yeah,” Craig said. “I get that it wasn’t like we were all hanging out together, and Amanda’s an adult. It’s easy to forget that.”

“Yeah.”

Craig asked, “So I blew my chances?”

“I’m just not sure it would have worked,” Danny said. “I kind of feel as much fun as we have together, we’re not a great romantic match, especially now that I can’t just steamroll you to get what I want.”

Craig hesitated and said, “Now I steamroll you.”

“I mean, kind of, yeah,” Danny said. “We don’t really hang out unless it’s on yours terms. Even now, you just show up because you have a free second, and you have plans soon, right?”

Craig paused again and looked away. “Yeah.”

Danny nodded. “I didn’t mean to string you along or anything; I was still trying to figure things out a bit.”

“No, I just wasn’t reading your signals,” Craig said. “I guess I didn’t want to.”

“Hey, I’m real sorry-”

“No, don’t be,” Craig said. His smile was weak. “I’m not. I’m glad we figured this out before it fucked up our friendship.”

“That’s true.”

“I mean, I can’t exactly just turn off my feelings, but I know where I stand. I have to ask though, you and Robert? You’re not ready for me, but you’re ready for him?”

“I mean he has different expectations than you do,” Danny replied. “I don’t have to juggle in kids. I don’t have to think long-term. I mean, right now we’re just friends that mess around sometimes.”

“So a long-term one-night stand.”

Danny laughed awkwardly. “I can’t decide if you’re trying to be insulting or not.”

“I’m just saying you were always more comfortable with that,” Craig said. “Alex had to fight to get boyfriend status, and you still messed around on the side.”

“With his blessing,” Danny said, quickly. “It wasn’t really messing around.”

“Right, well,” Craig rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know Robert well, but he’s not going to look the other way for that kind of stuff. Even if you don’t have a label, take my word for it, and talk to him about it.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“I mean you saw him when he thought you slept with Joseph,” Craig said. “He’s not exactly stable.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Craig laughed. “I honestly can’t tell if I’m worried or jealous.”

Danny offered Craig a half-smile. He wondered how long he’d have to listen to comments like that - how long Craig would still openly make him aware of his feelings. Danny hesitated and said, “Well, I can’t tell you.”

“Yeah, I guess not.”

“Are things going to be weird?”

Craig laughed. “Yeah, probably. We’ll really have to make the effort to still hang out. I mean, I’ll have to make the effort.”

Danny smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I don’t think I can fit working out into my schedule with this job.”

“We could always go for a jog after - work out all those tensions.”

“Maybe.”

Craig grinned. “That’s a no, right?”

Danny was suddenly very tired. God, he didn’t want to go back to work. He nodded, “Yeah. I think so.”

“Well, if you change your mind, let me know. I’m, uh, I’m going to go. I’ll see you later, dude?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you.”

Craig headed out the door, and he turned around in the doorway. “I’m glad we had this talk.”

“Me too.”

Craig offered a smile and a wave before closing the door behind him. Danny cleaned up the kitchen while he ate the leftover pancakes. His head was heavy. He’d just woken up and he was already so fucking tired. When he finished cleaning up, he went back to bed.

He awoke to a knock on his door. “Hey dad,” Amanda said, opening the door. “You feeling okay?”

Danny checked his phone. It was 4:30, and he was still dead tired. It felt like he’d just gotten into bed. “Yeah,” Danny said. “Just - just tired.”

“Everything okay with Craig?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Well, I guess? I basically told him I wasn’t interested.”

“Ouch.”

Danny rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hand. “I don’t know. Maybe we could have made it work once I felt better, but - but it felt weird. Like he was just waiting for me to be fixed, like once I had my shit together, we had to be together, you know?”

“Yeah,” Amanda said. “Though I’m sure that wasn’t his intention.”

Danny laughed. “I’m not sure Craig has a manipulative bone in his body.”

“I’m not going to complain,” Amanda said. “No more free labour from this girl. Except-” Her voice trailed off.

“Yeah?”

“Brian’s having a barbeque again. He wanted me to pass the invite along to you.”

Danny groaned and leaned back into the bed. “I don’t want to go.”

“And that’s fine,” Amanda said, “but what do you want me to tell him?”

“Tell him I have leftover pizza. Wait, are you going?”

“Yeah,” Amanda said. “The pizza will still be good tomorrow.”

“Is it weird if you go and I don’t?” Danny asked.

Amanda shrugged. “I don’t think so. I’m just going to hang out with Daisy and the dogs.”

Danny sighed and heaved himself back out of bed. “I better just go,” he said.

“You just want burgers.”

“I mean, yeah, I do want burgers,” Danny said. “I’m going to shower, do you want me to meet you there or do you want to come with me?”

“I’ll meet you there,” Amanda said. “I’ll see you soon.”

*

Danny walked over to Brian’s about half an hour later. He took his time, not quite eager to go over. He assumed Craig would be there, and he wasn’t looking forward to stilted, awkward conversation, but he also wasn’t eager to be noticeably absent from a block party. He gave Brian a “Hello,” and Brian gave him a beer as he worked the grill.

Danny stood next to him and quickly scoped the party as he thanked him for the invite. Robert and Mary talked together at a picnic table. Mary swirled her wine, and Robert drank a whiskey. Mary’s kids were scattered throughout the yard, but as Amanda said, she hung out with Daisy and Maxwell and Betsy. Danny was surprised to see Betsy at a party.

Craig talked to Joseph - making a neat pocket for Danny to avoid. Damien chatted with Mat and Hugo. “I hear you hate your job,” Brian said.

“And you love yours?”

“I mean, yeah, but that wasn’t my point,” Brian said. “Amanda told me how you were planning to take the summer off to hang out with her and then figure out what you wanted to do, but she thought it might be easier for you to have a job so you had a routine once she left.”

“Right, yeah.”

“It was nice of Damien to get you that job.”

“Yeah.”

“How would you feel about working for me?” Brian asked.

Danny’s eyes widened. “What?”

Brian shrugged. “You’d just have to take a couple of courses, and you wouldn’t be doing anything complicated. We’re always short on guys during the summer.”

“I don’t know. I never really pictured myself,” Danny hesitated and said, “fitting in with those kind of guys.”

“You mean you think me, a guy who’s open about his sexuality, would hire guys that would give you a hard time?” Brian asked.

Danny smiled. “You do have a point.”

“No pressure,” Brian said. “It’s hard work - and it can be pretty long hours, but you get exercise and you’re outside a lot. And you’re not taking shit from anyone. You only have to answer to me.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. He wasn’t sure he could take orders from Brian all day, but he didn’t want to say it. “I’ll think about it.”

“Sure. I’ll need people all summer, so if you change your mind later, the offer’s still open.”

Danny nodded. After a beat of silence, he asked, “How much did Amanda say?”

Brian frowned. “I’ll be honest, I asked her if she was okay after Robert showed up pissing in Joseph’s bushes.”

“I mean I was fine.”

“You’d had a lot to drink,” Brian said, “and we all knew you’d been drunk at work.”

Danny scratched at his stubble. It was more than a little embarrassing to have Brian clearly dad-up him. At least Brian wasn’t drinking at work. “Drunk is an exaggeration. I’d be fired if I had been drunk.”

Brian continued, “But she said she was fine - and that you were fine. That sometimes you were like this, and you never did anything that risked her happiness or safety. So I asked her what prompted this. And she told me it usually happened around the anniversary of her dad’s death, and when I asked if it was around that time, she admitted that you didn’t really enjoy your job - that you’d been trying to get out of phone-based tech support - that you prefer working on hardware than software, and this job doesn’t even send you out to look at printers.”

Danny laughed. “Well, we know my girl listens to me.”

Brian nodded and said, “I’ll admit technology isn’t exactly my strong point. I’m better at software myself and I didn’t really realize the difference until she explained it to me. And I believe people treat you like shit. I know Damien’s job is a bit different, so he probably doesn’t nearly as much guff as you do-”

“It’s still a tough job,” Danny said.

“Yeah,” Brian said. He laughed and added, “Dealing with people is always a hard job. So it made a lot more sense when Amanda explained it. I didn’t tell her I’m offering you this - I didn’t want her to pressure you. It’s a complete change of pace and I get it might not be for you.”

“Yeah. I appreciate it,” Danny said. “As insulting as it is, I appreciate you looking out for her.”

Brian chuckled. “I guess we don’t know you that well.”

“Anyone stand up for me?”

“Mat,” Brian said. “And I didn’t actively gossip, just overhead and checked in with Amanda. I’ll be honest, everyone thought for sure you slept with Joseph - except Mat. He said you’d never do that to Mary, and he said you didn’t look that drunk. Hugo agreed with him there - that he thought he’d seen you tipsier with wine.”

Danny laughed. “Well that’s something, I guess.”

“Craig told us that in college you slept around,” Brian said. “So I think it made us assume you still did.”

Danny shrugged and rubbed his arm. “Alex was cool with it. It works for some people. I wouldn’t like, actively go after married men. Not only is it very much not my thing, I don’t really want drama like that.”

Brian asked, “Is multiple partners still something you’re into?”

Danny smiled sheepishly. “Depends on my partner. I’m more interested in tending to their needs first. Alex liked it because he had a lot on his plate and liked to know I was still happy - you know, not neglected in that way. We talked about maybe being poly, like finding other people, but we never really clicked with anyone else. What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve heard you talk about anyone.”

“I think I’m more on your level,” Brian said. “I like to focus on Daisy, so I tend to go more towards casual sex. I think she’d be fine if I brought someone home, but,” his voice trailed off. “I don’t know, I haven’t been that interested, I guess. She’s the most important thing.”

“Yeah, I feel you there.”

“You really do, you know,” Brian said. “You’ve raised a good kid, and I know it hasn’t been easy.”

Danny’s shoulders slackened some. “Yeah.”

Danny nursed his beer and Brian continued grilling. A few people came by to pick up burgers, giving Danny a pleasantry. Danny found himself a bit too tired to eat and waited for another round. Robert and Mary still hadn’t gotten anything to eat, but most of the kids and parents were eating. 

Brian said, “You don’t have to keep me company all day.”

“No, I’m - I’m actually enjoying myself.”

Brian laughed. “Thanks for sounding surprised.”

“You’re welcome.”

Brian said, “So I heard you broke Craig’s heart.”

“Jesus, how fast does news travel?”

“Real fast when Craig shows up and threatens Robert.”

“Christ.”

“Yeah,” Brian said. “Craig told him if he hurt you, he’d shove an entire bottle of whiskey up his ass.”

“I bet Robert said, ‘You promise?’”

Brian laughed. “Robert looked really surprised. I don’t think he intended to plant a flag in you.”

“Yeah, I told Craig it was just friendly,” Danny said. “I bet I’m going to have to deal with that shit later.”

“He did say it a few seconds later,” Brian said, “the ‘you promise’ thing. It just was a little less effective when he was pretty stunned.”

Brian continued, “Between you and me, I think Robert will be into Craig threatening him. You turned down someone else who’s clearly jealous. And here you come to this party, cool as a cucumber, and don’t talk to either of them.”

“I’m not - god, I’m not cucumber cool. I’m just really awkward.”

Brian laughed again, and Danny found himself laughing too. Brian gave him a smile and said, “You’re cucumber cool. We should sit with them.”

“Mary said she wanted space from me.”

“Well, I’ll sit wherever you sit, since you want to be joined at the hip.”

“God, I really do,” Danny said. He hesitated and said, “Thanks. I really do appreciate it.”

“Anytime,” Brian said.

They chatted idly as Brian finished off the next round of burgers, and Robert and Mary approached. The four of them made their burgers together, with Brian making some small talk. Robert surprised Danny when he hooked his fingers into Danny’s belt loops and pulled him just a hair closer. “Sit with us,” he said.

Danny looked at Mary, and she gave him a half-nod. He said, “All right.”

Robert released Danny, and the four moved to their isolated picnic table in the back. Mary and Robert sat across from each other, so Danny sat next with Robert with Brian across from him. They mostly made small talk, and Mary seemed to stare Danny down. He ate his burger with a lot of anxiety on the side, and he fantasized about going back to bed. Robert offered Danny a cigarette, and Danny politely declined, knowing that he’d cave and have one later. He just knew Brian didn’t exactly approve of them smoking in his yard.

Sure enough, Brian excused himself shortly after Robert lit his cigarette, and Brian took Danny’s plate as he left, completely stranding him. Robert and Mary stared Danny down. Danny said, “I can go talk to someone else.”

“Is that a threat?” Robert asked, face unchanging.

Danny hesitated. He didn’t really feel like playing along and replied, “Just not sure what you want.”

Robert sniffed. Mary rolled her eyes and topped off her wine glass. After a few more moments of silence, Mary said, “Don’t fuck up that job of yours. I know you hate it, but Damien’s reputation is on the line.”

“I’m doing my best.”

Mary laughed. “Showing up to work drunk is your best.”

“Honestly, yeah.”

She chuckled and said, “I get it.”

Robert said, “You should just quit. I mean, give your two weeks and be responsible about it so Damien doesn’t get into any trouble, but just quit.”

“And?”

Robert took a drag from his cigarette. “And what?”

“What would I do after?”

Robert shrugged. “Hang out with your daughter for the summer. Figure shit out. I don’t know.”

Mary said, “He means since Kale doesn’t have a vested interest in your well-being anymore, you can get away with it.”

Danny rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess that’s true.”

“Plus, it gives you more free time to let Robert get balls deep in you.”

Robert said, “Don’t be crude.”

“I’m sorry,” Mary said. “It’ll give Robert more time to make sweet passionate love to you.”

Robert said, “That’s better.”

The pair laughed, and heat rushed to Danny’s cheeks. He wasn’t entirely sure what was going on with Robert, and he half-expected him to run cold at any moment. In fact, he thought their laughter might easily be because Robert no longer had any interest in fucking him again. Robert shifted to straddle the seat and look at Danny. He rubbed Danny’s thigh and said, “You should come out with us tonight. This party sucks, you should come drink with your friends.”

“Yeah,” Mary said. “It’ll be a blast.”

Mary surprised him. He hadn’t expected to be welcome, and she offered him a smile that suggested a certain amount of sincerity to it. Danny didn’t want to mention that he and Robert had made plans earlier. “I’ll just check in with Amanda, but yeah. I’m free.”

Danny got up and went to talk to Amanda. She was fine with him going out, and Danny was almost sorry for it. He’d have liked the excuse to stay home. He wanted to talk to her about Brian’s offer, but he decided it could wait until tomorrow. He spotted Brian talking to Craig, so he ducked back to Robert and Mary, who looked ready to bolt. “Let’s ditch,” Mary said.

Sure enough, the three of them slipped out. Danny doubted it was subtle, and as they walked to the bar, he messaged Brian a quick thanks for the food and the offer. He assured him he’d think about it. Otherwise the night was a whirlwind. Danny quickly got swept up in heavy drinking, and they ended up drinking more outside of a gas station. It made Danny feel like he was back in college, and the threat of going back to work crept up his spine. Still, he wasn’t sure Brian’s offer was the right one. He got caught up in his thoughts and wondered if he had told Robert and Mary about it. He thought about it enough. Had the words spilled out? He couldn’t remember. They were talking about something else now, and Danny started to feel isolated in his own head.

He wasn’t sure how it happened, but he realized he was over the line of his comfort level of drunkenness. If he wasn’t careful, he’d throw up later. Mary left. Danny thought she’d told him she had a good time, but he couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic or not. Robert debated what to do next. Danny wanted to go home to Amanda. He wanted to throw up in his own toilet and curl up in bed and make his daughter breakfast in the morning.

He wasn’t sure what Robert had decided, but Robert twined his fingers in with Danny’s as they started to walk back to the cul-de-sac. Robert was talking, but Danny was having a hard time letting the words sink in. “Hey,” Danny said, definitely cutting Robert off. “I don’t feel right. We’re going home, right?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “Did you hear what I said?”

“No,” Danny said.

Robert didn’t say anything further and Danny’s heart broke. Robert spoke so sparingly and here he had been prattling on about something that Danny hadn’t even heard. Danny’s eyes started to well up with tears. He let go of Robert’s hand and sat on the curb. “God, I’m such a piece of shit.”

Robert asked, “What? No. Come on, get up.”

“I just wanted to stay at home with Amanda,” Danny said. “I’m not even sure how much I can drink anymore. I didn’t have that much, did I?”

“We were mixing drinks,” Robert said. “You probably just lost track. Come on, you can’t sit there. Let’s get up.”

“Tell me what you said.”

“It’s not important,” Robert said. He put his arms under Danny to try to pull him up. “Come on, let’s go.”

“It is important,” Danny said. “I don’t want to brush off anything you say to me.”

“You’re too drunk,” Robert said. “I’ll tell you when you’re sober. Come on, help me get you off the ground. I’ll take you home.”

Danny stood up while gripping Robert’s shoulder to balance himself. Robert wrapped his arm around Danny’s waist to keep him steady. Danny said, “I wish I was smaller so you could just carry me.”

“Look at how much smaller Betsy is. I don’t even carry her.”

“Robert?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Christ, you’re a sad drunk.”

“I’m so tired, Robert.”

“I know,” Robert said. “We shouldn’t have asked you out tonight.”

“Does Mary even want to be friends with me?”

“I mean, you almost fucked her husband.”

“I really didn’t,” Danny said. “Joseph isn’t my type at all. I just wanted a friend.”

Robert said, “Well, I’m doing my best.”

“At what?”

Robert laughed. “At being your friend, Danny. Come on, we’re almost home.”

“It’s weird hearing you say my name.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “You know my name before?”

“Yeah, you told me.”

“Daniela,” Danny said, laughing. “Alex made fun of me, but honestly, my name was one of the few things I didn’t hate about myself. I just made it a little better.”

“We’re at your house. Do you have your keys?”

“Fuck yeah, I do,” Danny said, patting his pockets. “What do you think of my name, Robert?”

“Honestly, I don’t think it’s my place to have an opinion. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s nice to hear,” Danny said, pulling out his keys. “Alex wanted me to change it to Vincent.”

Danny got his keys in the door first try. He cheered. “Did you see that, Robert?”

“Yeah, that was honestly amazing,” Robert said. “Now let’s turn it.”

“I don’t want to push my luck,” Danny said. “You turn it.”

Robert turned the lock and opened the door. Danny walked through and headed to the fridge. “I should eat something,” Danny said.

Robert pulled the keys out of the door and said, “Can I head out? Do you need me?”

“We should have grabbed pizza,” Danny said. “I don’t want to heat this up.”

“Are you ignoring me because you don’t want to ask me to stay?”

Danny laughed and walked back towards Robert. He hugged him, and he found Robert tucking his head into the crook of his shoulder. “I do want you to stay,” Danny said. 

“Do you need me?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Always.”

Robert laughed. It was amazing to see. It occurred to Danny that he loved this asshole - that he just wanted to make him laugh forever. Danny lifted Robert slightly as he squeezed him. Amanda came out of her bedroom tentatively. “Hey dad,” Amanda said. “It’s only 1am. What are you doing home?”

“I’m tired,” Danny said.

Amanda asked Robert, “How much has he had to drink?”

“Something didn’t sit well,” Robert said. “I’ll look out for him if you’ll watch Betsy.”

“Yeah?”

Robert handed her his keys. “I can pay you too.”

“No, it’s all right this time,” Amanda said. “I’m glad I didn’t change into my pjs. I’ll see you tomorrow, dad?”

“I want to make you pancakes.”

“How about we’ll have leftover pizza tomorrow?” Amanda asked.

Danny sighed loudly. “All right.”

Danny swept Amanda up into a hug, and Amanda hugged him back. She left to grab a few things before leaving. Robert locked up behind her. “You said you were going to be sick,” Robert said. “You still feel like that?”

“I think I’m okay. I just - I need water. Bread would be good too.”

“I don’t exactly know my way around your kitchen,” Robert said.

Danny poured himself a glass of water and took the bread out of the fridge to drop two slices into the toaster. Danny asked, “Do you want anything?”

“I’ll grab a glass of water from you. Maybe we should make sandwiches. Do you have enough stuff to make sandwiches?”

Danny laughed. “I actually do. Craig put a bunch of healthy shit in the fridge.”

“Sit down. I’ll make us some sandwiches.”

Danny took a seat at the breakfast bar and watched as Robert raided the fridge to pull together some simple chicken sandwiches with all the fixings. Robert used Danny’s toast and tossed more in for his own. Danny drank his water and filled up another glass. Robert handed Danny his sandwich as he sat back down. Robert stood and ate his. Robert asked, “Do you think you’ll want a second?”

“Yes please,” Danny said. “I’m a bit worried I’ll feel sick again.”

“Just keep up with the water,” Robert said. “Are you feeling steadier? Thought you might burst into tears before.”

Danny rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Robert said. “I’m flattered you’d cry about missing whatever bullshit I was spouting.”

Danny smiled weakly. Robert said, “I was talking about the job offer Brian made.”

“Did I tell you about that?”

“Yeah, twice,” Robert said. He refilled Danny’s water and handed it back to him. Robert continued, “I’m not saying you should take Brian’s offer, but maybe he’s onto something.”

Danny handed Robert his plate, and Robert started to make another sandwich as Danny said, “How so?”

Robert said, “If you want to work, you should look outside of your field. It’s too bad none of us are hiring except for Brian. I still think you should just quit though and take the summer for Amanda.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “The thing is - a lot of the people around here like to feel useful. Brian wants to cut your lawn and Mat wants to bring you coffee. Work is rewarding for them, and they’re doing what they love, even if it’s frustrating sometimes - like Hugo’s job.”

“So you’re saying I like being a slacker?”

“No,” Robert said. “Amanda already makes you feel useful. It’s not like you’re just dicking around the house either. You’ve fixed up the place a lot, and hell, Mat praised the hell out of you when you were working with him. I guess,” Robert hesitated and looked at the sandwich before he said, “Money just isn’t a priority for you. People like doing whatever thing, feeling good about it, and getting a paycheque. You just like doing whatever thing, but not just anything, for a dollar.”

“I mean, I’m an adult. I should have money coming in.”

“I’m just saying you shouldn’t be killing yourself to do it, and you shouldn’t be doing something that makes you feel so god damn bad.”

Danny didn’t reply.

Robert handed Danny his sandwich, and Danny didn’t dive right in. He hated his job, but he was afraid of giving it up. How long could they live off of his savings? He didn’t want Amanda to be neck deep in loans by the time she was done school. 

Robert asked, “So Alex had money then?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I worked while he went through med school. When he was done, he’d paid off his loans after several years and was paying most of our bills.” Danny’s thoughts swarmed around Alex’s warm face. “He fell asleep at the wheel driving home.”

“Shit,” Robert said.

Danny laughed weakly. “I’ve hated driving since then too. I’m just – I’m so tired all the time.”

Robert nodded. Danny stared at his sandwich. Danny said, “Talk to me about something else.”

Robert didn’t miss a beat and said, “You know, I really want to hook up a computer to my TV like you, and I have new speakers I can’t figure out how to hook up. I’ve been trying but I can’t get them to fucking turn on.”

“You’ve had those speakers for three months.”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “How about I pay you to set up an entertainment center for me, like, complete with a computer and DVD player and I still have VHS tapes if you could find a player for me. Oh shit, maybe you could find a record player too.”

“You don’t need to pay me-”

“How big of a job would that be? Would that buy you a month?”

Danny rubbed the back of his head. “Not really. I mean, I could probably build you a PC over the weekend. You wouldn’t want to play videogames on it or something, right? Just like, a basic PC. Hell, we could just buy something off the shelves.”

Robert leaned on the counter. “What else do you like to do?”

Anxiety bubbled in Danny’s stomach. What else did he like to do? He just liked hanging out with his daughter. He wasn’t anything without her. What would happen when she left? “Can we not talk about this right now?” Danny asked. “I’m - I’m too drunk and it’s making me feel weird.”

Robert softened. “Yeah, okay. Eat your sandwich.”

Danny looked at it again. His appetite had faded some. “I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“Finish the sandwich first and have another glass of water,” Robert said. “Come on. Talk to me about something else.”

“What else is there to talk about?” Danny asked.

Robert didn’t reply.

Danny asked, “What happened between you and Joseph?”

Robert laughed sharply. “Really? Right now?”

“Let’s be honest I’m probably going to forget this conversation completely,” Danny said. “Why not now?”

“Because it was fucking awful and I don’t like to think about it.”

“Okay,” Danny said. “Okay, you changed the conversation for me, so I’ll change the conversation again. But, hey, you should know something about me.”

“Yeah? Don’t say you’re a fuck up.”

Danny laughed. “No, when I was with Alex, he, uh, encouraged me to pursue other sexual partners. Whatever this is, I’ll be exclusive to you, okay?”

“Jesus, you don’t have to do that.”

“If we’re still doing this in six months and you want me to pursue other sexual partners as well, I will, but until then, I’m just yours,” Danny said. “It’s not like you don’t have time for me.”

Robert nodded. Danny started to eat his sandwich. Robert asked, “Who told you?”

“Who told me what?”

“Who told you to tell me this?”

“Craig,” Danny said, covering his mouth as he ate. “But I mean, with my reputation, I wanted to talk to you about it. I just - I really like you and I don’t want to fuck it up again.”

Robert softened. “You didn’t fuck it up the first time. I did.”

“No, you didn’t.”

Danny ate his sandwich and Robert just watched him. Danny was absently aware of it, but his mind had started to wander. He wanted to take a bath. He wanted to be surrounded by warmth. Robert said, “I’m really fucked up.”

“I know.”

Robert continued, “I just - I need your expectations to be low.”

“I like this. I like what this is. It doesn’t need to be more than that.”

Robert continued to watch Danny. Danny offered him a smile and got up to put their dishes in the sink. Robert said, “I’m really fucking scared, Danny.”

“Of what?”

“Of everything. That maybe I’ll get fucked up and leave for a few weeks and when I come back you’ll have given up on me. That one morning I’ll wake up and you’ll realize how much Craig wants you and you go to him. That one day we’ll just look at each other across this counter and realize how fucking sick of each other we are. That one morning I’ll wake up and you’ll have died in a car accident. That one morning you’ll wake up and I’ll be gone - and I’ll break your heart.”

Danny hugged Robert tightly against him. Robert didn’t move. Danny said, “Those are just normal fears you have when you care about someone.”

“I don’t think they are.”

“Well, nothing I can say will make them go away, right?”

Robert lightly touched Danny’s back and then held him tighter. Robert said, “I can’t believe you told Craig to fuck off, but want to be with me. I don’t - I never expected it. My feelings about it haven’t even settled.”

Danny said, “I’m sorry he yelled at you in front of everyone.”

“I loved it,” Robert said with a laugh. “I loved being chosen and having everyone know - I was the first choice.”

Danny nuzzled into Robert’s neck and kissed it. Robert nuzzled Danny’s cheek. When Danny drew his head away, Robert kissed him.

*

Danny awoke. He wished he hadn’t. His head ached and his stomach turned. He was alone in his bed. He turned over and hugged a pillow to his chest. He smelt food from the kitchen and his stomach turned. He was going to be sick. He got out of bed and made it to the bathroom. He threw up twice, flushed the toilet, and he watched the water as he considered throwing up again. He wiped his mouth and nose with some toilet paper and tossed it in the water.

He heard voices. Amanda. Robert? They talked. He heard Amanda’s laugh. He heard Robert laugh as well. Christ, he was missing out. He stood up, shaky. He gripped the sink and threw water on his face. He went back into the bedroom to put on pyjama bottoms and a shirt. He stumbled out into the kitchen. Betsy slept on the couch. He was instantly jealous. He turned and saw Robert and Amanda making waffles - together.

“Hey dad,” Amanda said.

“Hey,” Robert said. “We went raspberry. Not sure what kind of appetite you have.”

“I want to die,” Danny said, “but this is really cute and I want to fully take it in.”

“Sit on the couch,” Amanda said. “We were talking, and we thought maybe we should spend Sunday finishing our marathon.”

“I would love that,” Danny said.

“Sit down and we’ll make you up a plate,” Robert said.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this was originally meant to be two chapters that I just trimmed down a lot, here are your final two Tom Waits songs!  
> [Smuggler's Waltz / Bronx Lullaby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiMYQXqyJm0)  
> [Take Me Home (Solo)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNdoWVsGzfA) / [Take Me Home (Duet)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sglrbx6rVo)
> 
> And this is the end folks! Thanks for sticking with me through it! I might write a few extra fics that's mostly domestic fluff and maybe do a few other fun things with it. I'll likely still be writing some more ddadds stuff as well. Hopefully you enjoyed this! Thanks for the Kudos/Comments!

Danny’s week crawled by. He spent his evenings with Amanda in the house, and when he asked Hugo if he was up for Trivia, Hugo declined. It was getting close to the end of the school year, and he was swamped. Some of his anxiety rubbed off on Danny. Soon Amanda would be home for the summer, and he’d continue to feel like shit throughout the week. Would he drag her down?

On Wednesday Robert woke him up around three in the morning to crawl into bed with him. Danny didn’t say anything as Robert nuzzled into his chest, but he was pissed. He had to get up again in three hours. When he woke up again, Robert still slept, and Danny just left him. Without a solid sleep, Danny’s day was hell. His temper was short, and he had to swallow it down whenever a client was rude to him. He had planned to do laundry when he got home, but he just had no energy. Amanda and he ended up ordering a pizza and watching TV for most of the night.

When Robert repeated the pattern the next night, Danny said, “If you’re going to keep this up, can you come over earlier? I have to get up soon and it’s hard enough getting through the workday on a good amount of sleep.”

Robert made himself comfortable in Danny’s arms as he said, “I can’t. I have shit to do.”

Danny sighed and nuzzled into Robert’s hair. “Then maybe don’t come over during the week.”

Robert tried shoving Danny off of him. “What? You don’t want to see me?”

“For two seconds at 3am? No.”

“I thought you said you had trouble sleeping without me.”

“What? Maybe I did, but I get up for work at 6. If you wanted to help me sleep, you’d be here earlier. I can’t keep this up.”

Robert scoffed and said, “I’ll just go then.”

“I’m awake now,” Danny said. “You can stay this time.”

“No,” Robert said. “Just forget it.”

“So you’d rather wake me up for nothing then?” Danny asked.

“You and I both know this wasn’t nothing,” Robert said.

“Yeah, you’re asking me to bend over backwards for you and acting like you’re doing me a favour,” Danny said, sharply.

“Fuck you.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Just fuck off.”

Robert climbed back out the window, and Danny got out of bed to lock it behind him. He tried sleeping, but after an hour, he got up and showered. He thought about meeting Craig for his morning jog, but he didn’t want to talk to Craig about what was going on. He made breakfast around the time Amanda usually got up to shower. They ate breakfast together, and Danny left early to grab coffee.

He walked to Mat’s place and found Mat drinking a coffee at a table. He had several binders in front of him. He ordered his own coffee and sat with him. They made some small talk until Danny asked, “What are you working on?”

“The coffee shop’s books,” Mat said. “I know I should be doing it on a computer by now, but I learned on paper and I’m finding it hard to make the transition.”

“Are you serious? You do all this by hand?”

Mat laughed. “Yeah. I really should move over. Something’s not balancing and I can’t figure out what. You any good at accounting?”

“Never tried,” Danny said. “Sorry I can’t help.”

Mat shrugged. “I’m thinking about taking a night class as a refresher - maybe find one with software I can learn on. With Pablo working now, I want to make sure I can carry him and still know-” Mat stopped short and looked at Danny. He hesitated and then looked back to his books.

“Still know what?”

“Just how much I have leftover.”

“Are you putting aside so much for Carmensita’s college? It’d be great if you could hire her once she gets older. You could teach her this stuff.” Danny tapped the books.

“We’ve talked about it,” Mat said. “She’s a bit young yet. I mean, I am saving though. When are you leaving for work?”

Danny checked his watch. “Maybe another twenty minutes.”

“You’re early today,” Mat said. “Usually you just rush in and rush out. I like this.”

“Yeah, I woke up early.”

“Couldn’t sleep?” Mat asked.

“Yeah.”

“Hey, uh, part of what -” Mat hesitated and searched for the words. “I miss you working here and I’m trying to figure out if I can afford to take you on too.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Danny said with a laugh. “Brian offered me a job too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Apparently Robert’s taken a few odd jobs here and there with him too. I just - I don’t know if it’s for me. Mat, I’m really fucking lazy.”

Mat laughed. “I’m sure it’s one of those things you get used to.”

“Yeah. I’m just worried about holding everyone back - or being too slow - or whatever, you know?”

“Yeah,” Mat said. “That’s why I like working for myself.”

“I kind of wish I had some, uh, passion, I guess? Something I’d like to do, like you do.”

“Please don’t open a competing coffee shop.”

They laughed. Danny said, “I wouldn’t dream of it. Don’t worry about me though, all right? I always figure my shit out. It just - sometimes it takes a while.”

“Hey, uh,” Mat’s voice trailed off for a minute. “I’m sorry I thought this job you have now would be good for you.”

“No, I don’t blame you-”

“I do,” Mat said. “You talked about how much you hated your job before. I should have trusted you. I just - I don’t like seeing that you’re not spending as much time with your kid as you want. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard starting up this business and juggling Carmensita in with it, but now I can take time off for her whenever I want. That was the goal.”

“Me and Amanda are doing all right, don’t worry,” Danny said. “Hell, the last barbeque I left with Robert and Mary instead of hanging out with her.”

“I mean that’s part of it.”

“You don’t like me running around with Robert?”

“No,” Mat said. “No, not at all. I like Robert, and I mean maybe sometimes he’s not the best influence on you, but no - that wasn’t my point. I just mean, like, your free time now is so valuable you have to choose, you know?”

Danny thought about his fight with Robert. If he hadn’t been working, he would have loved being woken up by him. “Yeah, I know.”

“Part of the reason I miss you being here is because we don’t really hang out anymore,” Mat said. “I know that’s partly my fault for not asking, but you also haven’t - I don’t mean this to be critical - but you used to send me random texts checking in and now when I do that with you, you rarely even respond.”

“Yeah, I really don’t have much energy for socializing.”

“Because getting yelled at all day sucks,” Mat said. “I know. We try to keep those types out of the coffee shop.”

Danny didn’t quite meet Mat’s eye. Lately he’d been feeling like people had abandoned him when things got hard, but he hadn’t responded when Mat reached out to him. He was a certified asshole. “I’m sorry,” Danny said.

“No, no, don’t apologize,” Mat said. “I didn’t take it personally. I just - I miss you, that’s all. I’m sorry for not trying harder.”

Danny sighed as he rested his head on the table. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”

Mat said, “If I can make it work, would you work with me again? And actually get paid for it?”

“I don’t want to take advantage-”

“You wouldn’t be,” Mat said. “I need the help. And I don’t think - you wouldn’t make what you’re making now.”

“That’s okay.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yeah,” Danny said, “but don’t stress out about it. It’s not a big deal.”

Mat put his hand on Danny’s shoulder and said, “It’s a big deal to me, okay? I’m going to figure this out.”

“Mat-”

“I want you here,” Mat said.

Danny lifted his head off the table. “Okay.”

Mat smiled and squeezed his arm. “I’ll text you as soon as I figure this out. Should just be later today.”

“Okay, thanks. I’m going to head off to work.”

“I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Danny left the Coffee Spoon. It was what he wanted. Why wasn’t he happier? Mat was being kind and warm and - and he wanted Danny with him. He told himself that Mat wasn’t just doing him a favour because he was a pathetic piece of shit and, hell, even if he was, what did he care? It was the job he wanted. Was he just too tired to be excited? Did his current job suck all of the excitement out of him?

Danny turned around and went back into the coffee shop. Mat wanted to work with him. Mat was worried about him. He found Mat standing at the counter, pouring himself another cup of coffee. Danny hugged him from behind - tightly. He tucked his head against Mat’s neck and leaned over him. It felt good. He smiled. Mat almost spilled his coffee. “Thanks,” Danny said. “I’m worried I didn’t sound enthusiastic enough.”

Mat laughed and patted Danny’s arm. “Don’t worry.”

“The gesture alone means a lot, okay?”

“Okay,” Mat said. “Don’t be late for work.”

Danny released him and said, “Can I get a refill?”

Mat laughed again and refilled his cup. “Now go.”

Danny rushed back out of the coffee shop. He felt good - excited for the future. He realized if Mat didn’t have a job for him, he’d roll the dice with Brian. He was sick of feeling nothing. He didn’t want to kick Robert out of his bed again. He heard his phone chirp, but rushed into work. He arrived a few minutes early, and he went to his manager’s office. 

He talked to his manager, and they mutually agreed on three weeks - two if they could find someone to replace him immediately. One of his weeks would be training the new hire, and the other would be filling his shift while they searched for someone to replace him. Danny apologized, but his manager assured him it wouldn’t reflect badly on him. His manager admitted he had expected Danny to just stop coming back one day and leave him in the cold. Danny assured him he wouldn’t, though didn’t admit it was something he’d done before.

On his lunch break he finally checked his phone. He saw a bunch of messages from Robert. They were spaced throughout the morning.

hey  
hey danny  
hey i saw you hug mat  
you didnt even see me  
i dont care or anything but why  
whats happening  
dude whats going on  
its bullshit if youre gonna dump me after one dumb fight  
you know what  
fuck you  
asshole

Danny replied, “Sorry I was at work and I can’t use my phone while working.”

Robert quickly replied, “oh right”

Danny said, “Mat offered me a job, that’s all.”

Robert didn’t reply. Danny watched his phone as he ate his sandwich. He didn’t want Mat to find out he quit. He didn’t want to put any extra pressure on him, and he honestly thought Robert might gossip about it. Danny said, “Are we okay?”

Robert said:  
you make me feel like a fucking teenager  
were fine  
sorry  
i  
i didnt sleep much

Danny smiled. “Me neither. Come over for dinner.”

Robert: i dont know  
Danny: Come over after then  
Robert: sometimes i dont like myself around you  
Danny: How about I’ll come over to your place?  
Robert: no  
Robert: wait ok  
Robert: what time  
Danny: When do you want me?  
Robert: now  
Robert: last night at 3am  
Robert: all the fucking time  
Robert: its driving me up the wall  
Danny: How about after dinner? I have to get back to work soon.  
Robert: no  
Robert: come after work  
Robert: i want to fuck you  
Robert: i want to hear all those sounds you make  
Robert: come after work  
Robert: and then come after work  
Robert: ;)

Danny said aloud, “Jesus.”

Danny: Okay  
Robert: youre not going to give me anything to think about  
Robert: in the meantime  
Robert: you know  
Danny: It sounds like you already have your own ideas  
Robert: give me something  
Danny: Clear off the kitchen counter  
Robert: ?  
Danny: You’re going to fuck me there because I can’t wait until the bedroom  
Robert: are you serious because theres a lot of shit on my counter  
Danny: I have to get back to work  
Robert: should I clean the counter or not  
Danny: I’m going to take off my underwear at my next break  
Danny: You can decide if you want to wait until the bedroom or not  
Robert: danny i own a couch  
Danny: I’m going back to work

Danny silenced his phone and slid it back into his pocket. He frowned as he went back to his desk. He wondered what Robert meant when he said sometimes he didn’t like who he was with him. He tried to brush it off since Robert probably wouldn’t want to talk to him about it. It was just one of those things Danny would have to forget or else he’d get fixated on it and it’d become a thing. Still, the words rolled inside his head through the rest of his work day.

*

Danny went immediately to Robert’s after work, and when he went inside, Robert pushed Danny back against the door. He pulled Danny’s shirt which forcing Danny to lean over as Robert kissed him. He barely gave Danny time to breath, and in seconds Robert had blown away the frustrations of the work day and turned him on. He wanted nothing but Robert in that moment. Robert spread Danny’s legs and lifted him up into his arms. Danny held onto him tightly, a little unsure of Robert carrying him. Robert’s face briefly went red and he dropped Danny onto the couch. Danny suspected Robert had planned to carry him into the bedroom, but could only reach the couch.

“Hope you were serious about your underwear.”

Danny took his underwear out of his pocket and threw it at Robert. Robert laughed and shoved them into his back pocket. Robert kneeled on the couch between Danny’s legs and leaned over to kiss him again. Danny bit Robert’s lower lip and immediately started fumbling with the buttons of Robert’s jeans. Robert smiled against Danny’s mouth before he kissed him deeper. He pulled Danny’s hands off of his jeans to pull Danny’s shirt over his head.

Kissing Danny’s neck, Robert slid his calloused hands down his sides. When Danny reached for Robert’s jeans again, Robert moved his hands onto his back. His intense eyes watched Danny as he asked, “Is it okay if I fuck you?”

Danny swallowed and nodded. Fuck, he wanted it so badly. “Yeah. You’re comfortable with that?”

Robert nodded. “Yeah, could I just – would you mind if I took control?”

Danny grinned. “I would be very into you taking control.”

“No reaching for my dick.”

“You don’t want me to slide it in for you?”

Robert hesitated. “Christ, that sounds hot.”

Danny rubbed Robert’s back and said, “We could save it for another time. You could rub your dick against my pussy until I’m so horny I slide it in myself.”

“Fuck, I’m that horny now, but you’re right, we’ll save it for another time. Right now, you just let me do my thing, okay?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You don’t need the sir shit,” Robert said with a laugh. He pecked Danny’s lips before adding, “But make as much noise as you want.”

Robert pulled Danny’s pants off with the tips of his fingers brushing against Danny’s skin. Danny squirmed as Robert just watched him. He unbuttoned his jeans and drew out his cock just enough for the head of it to sit against his underwear band. Danny wanted to touch it and run his thumb along the tip, but he respected Robert’s request. Robert grabbed some lubricant off the coffee table and spread it across his hands and fingers. Still completely dressed aside from his exposed cock, Robert leaned over Danny as he traced his fingers along the lips of his pussy.

He kissed Danny again, parting Danny’s lips with his own as he gently pressed two fingers into him. Danny’s toes curled as Robert kissed him deeper. His fingers pumped into Danny, and Danny broke the kiss to pant against Robert’s mouth. Robert grinned and increased the pace with his knuckles brushing against Danny’s clit. Danny’s grip balled up fabric on the back of Robert’s shirt, and Robert’s fingers pounded into him so roughly that his hips moved backwards with every thrust. Danny bit his lower lip, and Robert brushed his lips against Danny’s neck. Danny was so turned on he could hardly think. He moved his hips against Robert’s rhythm, aching for him to continue.

Robert softly said, “I’m going to turn you over and I’m going to fuck you until you beg for me to let you come.”

Danny loved the sound of his rough voice turning soft while promising something deliciously vulgar. He thought he might come from the sound of Robert’s voice alone. “Please,” Danny said.

Robert brushed his thumb against Danny’s clit as he pounded his fingers into Danny roughly one more time. Danny let out a sharp gasp, and Robert drew his fingers out. He licked his fingers while Danny intently watched him. Robert drew the rest of his cock out of his boxers and let Danny watch as he slathered more lubricant across it.

Robert turned Danny over, and Robert traced his fingers back along the length of Danny’s pussy as he spread Danny’s leg with his other hand. Robert edged the head of his cock into Danny, and Danny bucked back against him, terribly eager to finally feel Robert’s thick shaft inside of him. Robert gripped Danny’s hips to take control of the rhythm and he pulled Danny back against every slow, deep thrust. When Robert increased the pace, Danny started panting. He closed his eyes to relish in the feeling of Robert’s cock sliding perfectly inside of him while Robert’s hands tightened their hip on his hips. He hoped Robert’s nails would leave a mark.

Grunting, Robert spread Danny’s leg further to slam his cock deeper into him. Danny let out a sharp groan and bit his lower lip to contain the next one. Robert leaned over Danny and gripped his wrists together as he pumped roughly into him. Danny was totally into Robert wanting more control. He liked being limited from time to time, and once and a while it was hot to get used like this. Danny panted openly and bucked his hips into Robert’s hard thrusts. Robert said, “Make some noise for me.”

Danny waited until Robert increased his pace and then started to groan. Robert pulled Danny roughly back against each thrust. Danny groaned louder and tried to pull his hands out of Robert’s tight grip. He desperately wanted to touch his clit as Robert’s cock pounded deep inside of him. He loved the deprivation too. Aching for it, but not getting it because Robert would rather restrain him. Robert panted and grunted, and Danny could feel him at the edge already. “Don’t stop,” Danny gasped.

Robert nearly pulled out of him only to slam his entire length back into him. He gripped Danny’s wrists with one hand again as he repeated the motion, positioning his cock to make sure it didn’t slip out. Danny begged for more. Robert pulled out of him to turn him over and push him back against the couch. Danny barely realized his hands were free as Robert slung one of Danny’s legs over the back of the couch while the other raised his hips up.

Pressing his cock back into Danny, Robert started to pump hard and deep into him. Danny had to grip the couch to keep himself upright, and Robert just stared at him as he fucked him. Hair clung to his face with sweat. Fuck, he was hot. Danny kept groaning and begging for more. “Don’t stop. Please.”

Robert’s panted loudly, his eyes slightly clouding over. Danny’s legs were weak. Robert was in complete control of their rhythm, and he didn’t slow down. He kept pounding hard and deep into him, his eyes on him with so much hunger. He gasped sharply, fucking his climax deep into Danny. Danny groaned as Robert finished inside of him.

Robert slicked his hair back as he drew his cock out of Danny. Danny finally rested back against the sofa, feeling the pool of his own sweat against him. He panted, and Robert still stared at him. Danny just watched as he waited for what Robert would say or do next. Robert spread Danny’s legs again, this time putting one over his shoulder. His fingers pressed into Danny’s pussy as his thumb exposed his clit. Danny sharply took in air as Robert’s tongue flicked around his clit.

Robert’s tongue swirled around his clit before he licked the length of his pussy - licking up his own orgasm. Danny couldn’t control himself. He unintentionally bucked his hips upwards, groaning loudly. Robert’s fingers continued pounding into him as his tongue worked around them, lapping up whatever semen his fingers drew out. Danny panted and gasped as he squirmed against Robert’s mouth. His cheeks were hot. He was so close. When Robert dipped a third finger in, he started to suck Danny’s clit. Danny gripped the edge of the couch, groaning loudly. Robert’s tongue flicked teasingly against his clit before his lips took over it again. He curled his fingers inside of Danny.

Danny cried out as he came, and Robert kept it up, eager to feel Danny’s orgasm against his mouth. Danny came so loudly that he thought if there were any birds on Robert’s roof, they’d been scared off. When he finally finished, Robert licked up a bit before ulling his head away. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stared straight ahead instead of looking at Danny.

Danny pushed Robert’s shoulder with his foot. “That was amazing.”

Robert said, “Yeah.”

“Kiss me.”

“What? No.”

“Kiss me.”

Robert wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and leaned over Danny. Danny loosely wrapped his arms around Robert’s back. He was afraid he’d pull away. Robert just stared at him with his dark eyes. Danny was straight-up too tired to lean up to reach Robert’s lips. Danny asked, “Was it good for you?”

“Yeah.”

Danny hesitated and asked, “Was it what you wanted?”

Robert leaned down and kissed him softly. When Danny tried to use tongue, Robert pulled away. Danny tightened his arms around him, making Robert pull him up as Robert drew away. Robert wrapped his arms around Danny and pecked his lips again. He then tucked his head against Danny’s neck. Danny squeezed him. “You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to stay like this for a while?”

Robert hesitated before replying, “Yeah.”

Danny pulled Robert back against the couch and propped Robert on top of him. Robert stayed nuzzled into his chest. Danny kept one arm around him while his other hand stroked his hair. He felt Robert smile against his neck and relaxed. He found his eyelids heavy. “Hey, uh, I’m falling asleep.”

Robert said, “Me too. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry I kicked you out.”

“You were right. I wanted to bother you and I pretended to be doing you a favour. I shouldn’t have come so late.”

“You have to take care of Betsy.”

“I just like to be alone sometimes, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“But I like sleeping with you too.”

Robert sighed. Danny found himself nodding off. If Robert said anything further, Danny didn’t hear it.

*

When Danny awoke, he saw Robert in the kitchen. Robert was partially dressed - a t-shirt and boxers - and stirred a pot over the stove. Danny rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and sat up. “Hey.”

Robert said, “Hey.”

Danny stood up and walked into the kitchen. “Do you want me to go?” Danny asked.

“No. I’m making dinner.”

Danny checked his wrist, but there wasn’t a watch on it. He tried to remember the last time he wore a watch and why he still had this tick. Danny said, “Can I shower?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “Wait.”

Danny stood, and Robert’s eyes crawled over him for a moment. Danny rubbed the side of his head and said, “I don’t really have energy for a round two.”

“What? No,” Robert said. “I wasn’t - I just like seeing you like this.”

“Naked?”

“Comfortable,” Robert said. “At home.”

Danny smiled. Robert pecked the side of his cheek and then said, “Go shower.”

“Can I have my underwear?” Danny said. “I don’t see them on the floor.”

“Nope.”

“Then I’m taking a pair of yours,” Danny said.

“I’m flattered.”

Danny went into Robert’s room and rummaged through his underwear drawer for something that would be comfortable. After he pulled out a pair, he absently looked around Robert’s room. It was the first time he’d been in it without Robert rushing him to bed or rushing him out the door. He saw a picture of a serious girl with dark eyes on his dresser. He spotted another picture of the girl with a woman. He lifted the picture and looked at it for a moment. Robert’s family.

He set the photo back down and took a shower. He walked out in Robert’s underwear and dressed as Robert started to put pasta and sauce onto plates. Robert said, “Hope spaghetti is okay.”

“Yeah, it’s great,” Danny replied.

Danny put on his shirt and they sat together at the kitchen table. Danny asked, “Where’s Betsy?”

“Oh, your girl is watching her,” Robert said. “She loves that dog.”

“Are you paying her?”

“Tried,” Robert said. “She said something about using her as a model and that was payment enough. I figure I’ll pick her up when I walk you home.”

“All right. You don’t want to stay over?”

“Naw, I’ll probably be restless since I took a nap. I forgot drinks. Beer okay?”

“Sure.”

Robert stood up, opened two beers, and sat back down, putting one in front of Danny. They ate quietly for a while, and Danny felt good. It was a comfortable silence. They were both tired and hungry. Robert got up to take garlic bread out of the oven, and Danny used his garlic bread to mop up the leftover meat sauce. When his plate was empty, Danny asked, “How long were you awake for before I woke up?”

“An hour maybe,” Robert said. “I showered first, and I tried to be quiet, but after dropping a pot and you not even stirring, I stopped worrying about it. I did check to make sure you were breathing though.”

Danny laughed. “Thanks.”

“Do you want more?” Robert asked.

“Uh, yeah, if that’s okay.”

Robert nodded and put his plate on the counter while he loaded up Danny’s plate again. He brought out the rest of the garlic bread and absently ate while Danny dove in again. Danny thought about the picture of his daughter and her mother on the dresser. Despite knowing it might rub Robert the wrong way, he asked, “What did you mean when you said you don’t like yourself when you’re around me?”

Robert frowned. “Wondered how long it’d be before you asked me that.”

Danny shrugged. “I thought you might have just been mad.”

“I just - I worry, and I shouldn’t, I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I care about you a lot, and I know you care about me, but some part of me is just waiting for it to all fall apart. And I think it’ll be some stupid thing I do that pushes you away.”

“You won’t be able to push me away easily,” Danny said, “especially if you keep feeding me like this. This is really good.”

Robert smiled weakly. “Thanks.”

“I didn’t mean to make light of it.”

“No, I know.”

Danny said, “There isn’t anything I can say to reassure you, right? I just have to keep being here for you.”

“Yeah.”

They sat quietly together for a few moments. Danny was surprised when Robert broke the silence. “Hey, uh,” Robert started. He hesitated, as if he waited for Danny to interrupt him. He waited for a moment before continuing, “I said break up.”

“When?”

“In the texts,” Robert said. “I said something about you breaking up with me.”

“Oh, right.”

“I kind of expected you to call me on that.”

“Well, friendships break up sometimes too,” Danny said. “I wasn’t going to make assumptions.”

“Okay, but I want to be boyfriends.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I don’t want to complicate things with my bullshit. Is it okay if we’re boyfriends?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I just want you to be comfortable.”

Robert smiled. He reached across the table to hold Danny’s hand. Danny relaxed his hand in Robert’s touch. He felt Robert’s fingers brush against him, with his thumb rubbing the back of his hand softly. Careful. Intimate. When was the last time someone held his hand like this? Sometime with Alex probably. 

Did Danny feel like crying? No. Maybe later. Right now Robert’s warmth kept those feelings away.

“I want to talk to you about something else,” Robert said, pulling his hand away, “but it’s not going to be easy.”

Danny prepared to hear about his family. “All right.”

“No, forget it,” Robert said.

He took Danny’s plate and put it on the counter. He started to put away the leftover pasta. Danny asked, “Why did you want to tell me?”

“Can we just drop it?”

Danny waited for a minute and then said, “Hey this relationship is going to be hard sometimes, right?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“If what you wanted to tell me will help me understand you better, maybe you should say it.”

Robert stopped packing up the pasta and stared at it. Danny stayed sitting in his chair, and Robert sat back down, folding his hands on the table. “I’ve told you the whole thing in my head so many times, but I just - I just can’t get it all out now.”

“Okay. How did you picture it in your head?”

“We’re in your bed. It’s dark.”

“So I can’t see you.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay over tonight?”

A beat of silence passed between them before Robert softly replied, “Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“It’s just - it’s about Joseph.”

Danny’s eyes widened. “Oh.” He had expected it to be about his family.

Robert said, “Long story short, I was confident about how he felt about me in the beginning and more and more doubt seeded in until he left me and now I doubt he’d ever really liked me and I just - it’s hard not to feel that doubt with anyone now. Okay?”

Danny said, “Do you want me to pry?”

“No,” Robert said. “I just need you to know that I might irrationally doubt your feelings for me sometimes. I hope that changes, but,” his voice trailed off.

“I understand.”

“I’m sure it’s more complicated than I make it out to be,” Robert said, “but all I know is I was broken when we started, I thought he fixed me, and then he smashed me again in a hundred different ways. Sometimes it feels cruel to even date you.”

Danny’s heart sat in his throat. What was he even supposed to say to all that? “I don’t -”

“Don’t worry, I’m selfish,” Robert said. “I want you. I want to be a better person for you, but I can’t wait. It’d be one thing if we each only had each other in our lives, but you want to focus on your daughter and I want to focus on repairing myself. I like - I like that we don’t revolve around each other.”

Danny smiled. “I like that too.”

They sat quietly for a few moments. Robert broke the silence again, “Would you have waited? If I asked you?”

Danny shrugged. “I don’t think that’s fair for either of us. When will you feel whole enough to start a relationship? And, if you ever do feel that way, you might be a totally different person. What if I’m still the same? What if we don’t mesh anymore? What if I’m bitter I had to wait for someone so different? What if you feel obligated to be with me because I did wait and support you? It’s just - that’s what Craig wanted. And that’s bullshit.

“Robert, I don’t think I’ll ever be whole again. Alex is gone and he took a part of me with him. I’ve grown and I’ve changed, but some days are going to be harder than others. You either want to be with me through that or you don’t. I want to be with you through it, and if you didn’t want me there, then I don’t think I’m the right match for you. Because I don’t want to be supporting you at half-capacity because I’m not sure where I stand.”

Robert said, “I just wanted you to say yes.”

Danny laughed. “Is a relationship too much for you right now? You just said you wanted to be boyfriends.”

“We’re friends, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And we fuck sometimes.”

“Right.”

“And we aren’t going to fuck anyone else.”

“Yeah.”

Robert shrugged and said, “I want the intimacy you give me when we have sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love being friends with you, but I don’t want to take that out of the equation either. I just, I like knowing that someone will be vulnerable with me. It’s scary, that someone trusts someone like me that much, but it’s easier being vulnerable back.

“I don’t think I realized how fucked up my relationship with sex had gotten until I met you.”

Danny replied, “Well, I think everyone has a different relationship with sex-”

“Danny, Joseph used me. So I just let myself be used so what happened felt normal. And now that it doesn’t feel normal anymore I have to face that part of my life again, okay?”

Danny nodded. “Okay. I won’t - I won’t spout my bullshit.”

Robert laughed. “I don’t think it’s bullshit, I just wanted to make it clear that I wasn’t being healthy.”

Danny said, “It’s clear.”

“Okay.”

“So, you still want to be boyfriends?”

“Yeah.”

Robert leaned over and kissed him softly.

*

Danny stepped into his home after work, and he heard Amanda charge out of her bedroom to meet him. She kept her hands behind her back and rocked on the balls of her feet. She asked, “How many days left?”

“Of work?” Danny asked as he kicked off his shoes.

She nodded. The way her excitement bubbled out of her reminded Danny of when she was at least a decade younger. He softened as he realized he hadn’t seen her this excited or happy in a while.

“A couple of days and next week.”

“That’s great!” Amanda said.

“What’s behind your back?” Danny asked.

Amanda handed Danny manila envelope. “You were accepted?” Danny asked.

Amanda’s smile broadened as she nodded. And Danny swept her up off the ground as he hugged her. He spun her around gently as she laughed against him. “I’m so excited,” she said, worming out of his grip. “This is, like, my dream college – I mean, now that my last dream college decided I wasn’t good enough.”

Danny laughed. “It’ll be great.”

Amanda pulled the papers out of the envelope to show Danny the acceptance letter and some of the material that went with it. They discussed how they were going to make the move work – the college was in driving distance, but it’d be a long drive. Neither of them were hesitant or down about it, and even Danny didn’t feel any creeping dread. He was excited for her. He was excited to watch her move onto a new phase of her life, even if it meant he’d be in it less.

Danny started to make dinner while Amanda sat at the counter and read him a few more things. After a few beats of silence, she said, “Hey, dad, I’m sorry I pushed you to get this job.”

“What? Don’t be,” Danny said. “I understand why you wanted me to get something.”

“Yeah, but, like, you hated it.”

Danny laughed a bit awkwardly. “Well, it got Mat to pity me enough to give me a job. So it all turned out fine.”

Amanda frowned. “He didn’t do it out of pity.”

Danny sighed and faced her. “I don’t regret making the decision to take that job, and I don’t want you to regret pushing me to it. It really helped to put things in perspective, okay? I was probably going to get a shitty tech support job after you went to college anyway, so you just saved me the time of getting that job after you left.”

“You’re not just saying that?”

Danny smiled, and Amanda relaxed some. “I’m not,” he said. “Really, I’m glad you were here when it happened or I might have just stayed in that rut. You still made a good call, Panda.”

Amanda nodded. She avoided his eye, and Danny thought she was still a little unsure, but he wasn’t sure he could say anything to relieve her of it. Danny said, “Tell me about the different dorms you can apply to.”

Amanda brightened. “Sure!”

*

A few hours later, Danny sat on his back porch and absently rolled his package of cigarettes across the tabletop. He was quitting, but it was a slow process. Usually he just quit, but being around another smoker made it harder. He thought about quitting quitting and just treating himself to a cigarette here and there. His body was probably shot already anyway, right?

He was debating drawing a cigarette out of the pack when a head poked up over the fence. Even though it had been at least a week, he had expected it to be Joseph. Instead Mary said, “Hey.”

“Oh, hey,” Danny said.

Mary raised a bottle of wine, a quiet offer. Danny nodded, and Mary came into his backyard carrying two wine glasses in her other hand. Danny said, “I don’t know if I’m seeing Robert tonight.”

Mary shook her head. “I’m here to hang out with you.”

She sat down next to Danny while still facing the same direction as him. She poured out two glasses and slid one towards Danny with her hand on the base. She held out her hand and said, “Could I get one of those?”

Danny nodded and handed her the packet of cigarettes. Mary stood back up and chucked the pack over his back fence. She sat back down without a word, and Danny laughed. “Okay, guess I’m quitting.”

“I just don’t like your brand,” Mary said. “Smells terrible.”

Danny grinned at Mary and Mary offered him little more than the upturning of the corner of her lip. Danny took a sip of the wine, and Mary swirled hers in the glass. Danny wondered what it said about him that he never gave the chance for his wine to breathe. He watched how perfectly Mary swirled the wine, and how she kept her fingers at the base of the stem, careful not to warm the wine up with her hands.

“Heard from Dames you’re quitting your job,” Mary said.

“Yeah,” Danny said, though he hadn’t actually told Damien yet. “I’m doing it right though. It shouldn’t reflect badly on him.”

Mary said, “It doesn’t. Do you have something else lined up?”

“Mat says he can fit me in part-time for now, and Brian says I can also work part-time with him. So I’m going to start with Mat and see how much Amanda wants me around in the summer. I figure if I have any free time, I can ask you about volunteering opportunities.”

“Sure,” Mary said. “I have a long list.”

“I appreciate it,” Danny said.

He told himself not to dump all of his feelings on Mary. He didn’t regret taking the job in the first place. Amanda was worried about him, and his friends, Amanda, and even he thought it was a good idea. It was good to have a fresh memory of just how much he couldn’t handle the job anymore. And there was no reason to talk out his feelings with Mary. She already had enough on her plate.

“You doing okay?” Danny asked.

Her eyes clouded over just slightly as she thought of something else. “Yeah.”

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

Mary nodded and finally took a drink from her wine. She repeated. “Yeah. Just don’t have it in me today.”

“Do you want to just sit quietly and enjoy the wine then?”

Mary smiled and said, “That sounds perfect.”

Danny offered her a grin back, and she gave his shoulder a squeeze before they quietly sat together.

*

A few days later, Danny, Robert, and Mary had hung out. Mary told Danny Robert seemed a bit off, though Danny hadn’t noticed it, so when Robert offered, he stayed over at his place. When he came back from the bathroom, Robert nursed a cigarette in bed. “Hey, is this just for show?” Danny asked, picking up a guitar that sat in the corner of the room.

“Kind of,” Robert said. “Always planned to learn some Tom Waits songs. I’ve still got time.”

Danny carried it with him to bed. “I know a few songs.”

“I’ve heard about your ska days.”

“I know, but I legit know some Tom Waits,” Danny said. “You wanna hear?”

Robert laughed. “Blow me away.”

Danny tuned the guitar, and Robert blew circles of smoke into the air. He rubbed Danny’s back and said, “Hey, this is boring.”

“I think I’ve got it.”

Robert rolled onto his side to watch Danny as he played a few chords. He started to sing alongside it:

Daggers of moonlight  
Murder the sheets  
And the stink of a four dollar room  
And Daddy’s gone a hunting  
For a dime bag schoolboy  
Tied up with a yellow balloon

Robert joined in for the second part. His voice sounded more like Tom Waits’ - rough and deep, but much more out of tune.

So hush little baby, Daddy must go  
I cover you up with a blanket of snow  
By the time I make Jersey  
You’ll be in heaven  
In a pretty blue shoe box I know

Robert’s voice trailed off during the last:

So sing a song of ten grand  
With a pocket full of dough  
And I can’t take you to Baltimore  
Wake God up in Heaven  
Have him look down below  
There’s a little lost angel  
Blooming in the snow

Danny played the outro, and Robert rolled over so he wasn’t facing him. Danny said, “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised you know that one.”

Robert didn’t reply. Danny set down the guitar and rubbed Robert’s arm. “Robert?”

Tears streamed down Robert’s face. Danny said, “Wait, what’s wrong?”

Robert shook his head.

Mary’s words clung to his thoughts - something seemed off about him tonight. “Hey, talk to me.”

Robert shook his head again.

“You can’t just bottle shit up. Talk to me. I’m here.”

Robert sat up and snarled, “Fuck you.”

It surprised Danny. Did he stand his ground? He didn’t know. Danny sheepishly said, “I mean, you do fuck me.”

Robert wasn’t lightening up. “Just get out.”

“Robert, we can talk about whatever this is.”

He repeated, “Get the fuck out.”

Danny stood up. He set down the guitar and started collecting his clothes. Tears still streamed down Robert’s face, but he looked more pissed than anything. Danny hesitated after he got his boxers on. He wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing. Danny said, “I’m not good at knowing when I should push for more and when I should actually fuck off. Can I just - can we just drop it? I don’t want to leave.”

Robert softened. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. Danny had easily never seen him like this. Danny moved back onto the bed and hugged him. Robert nuzzled into his place on Danny’s chest. “I’m really fucked up,” Robert said.

“I know.”

Robert cried harder, digging his nails into Danny’s back. Danny rubbed the back of his head. He didn’t dare press for more information. He couldn’t leave him - not like this.

Robert said, “I’m sorry - I can’t - I can’t talk about this, not now.”

“It’s okay,” Danny said. “I’ll be here when you do want to talk about it.”

Robert sniffled and relaxed some. It took a little more holding, but Robert calmed down. He wiped down Danny’s chest with a tissue and said, “Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. Lord knows I’ve done it to you.”

Robert chuckled a bit. “Thanks for not fucking off.”

“Anytime.”

“Can I be the big spoon?”

“Yeah,” Danny said.

He turned off the light and rolled over. Robert wrapped his arms around him and snuggled into the back of his neck. Danny pushed back against him, and Robert squeezed him. Robert’s lips smiled against the back of his neck. They sat quietly for a while. Robert softly sang:

Take me home, you silly boy  
Put your arms around me  
Take me home, you silly boy  
All the world’s not round without you

I’m so sorry that I broke your heart  
Please don’t leave my side  
Take me home, you silly boy  
Cause I’m still in love with you

Danny smiled, and Robert kissed the back of his neck. Danny said, “I know that one on piano.”

“You should play it for me,” Robert said. “I like your voice.”

“It’s not great. I like yours.”

Robert laughed. “I think I might be tone deaf sometimes. Can’t dance for shit either.”

“Well, I liked hearing it.”

Robert tucked his head against Danny. Danny started to nod off, but Robert’s voice woke him back up. “I liked saying it. Sorry I’m just not good at this shit.”

Danny said, “How about we just say, ‘Take me home.’”

“It might get confusing, but all right.”

“Take me home, Robert.”

Robert rolled Danny onto his back and watched him for a moment. Danny watched him in the darkness. Robert nuzzled him before parting his lips with his own. He rolled Danny back onto his side, so they faced each other. He could hardly believe that Robert, in a round about way, told him that he loved him. And maybe he was an idiot for saying it back, but he did.

Robert kissed his forehead and hugged him. Danny fell asleep in his arms.

*

Danny awoke in the afternoon the following day. He’d slept like a sack of bricks, and grogginess clung to him as he got out of bed. Putting on a shirt, he made a pit stop at the bathroom before heading into the kitchen. Robert read a book at the table and stood up as Danny came in. Robert said, “Can I make you lunch?”

“Sure,” Danny replied. “Sorry I slept so long.”

Robert shrugged. “Took Betsy for a walk, and took some time to get my head on straight.”

Danny didn’t immediately reply. Did Robert really want to talk about what happened last night? He didn’t want to press him. He just wanted Robert to be happy, and if that meant ignoring crippling despair nines time out of ten, Danny would support it. It wasn’t like he liked thinking about that shit either.

Robert turned on the stove and started to make Danny a grilled cheese sandwich. He folded chopped onions in with the cheese, presumably leftover from his own breakfast. Danny got himself a drink from the fridge and sat down at the table. Danny smiled to himself and propped his head up with his hand. He liked that Robert didn’t even have to ask anymore. Robert stayed quiet as he flattened the bread in the pan, checking the underside for how crisp it was.

Eventually, Robert flopped the perfect grilled cheese onto a plate and brought it - as well as a bag of chips - to Danny’s spot. Robert almost sat down, but he hesitated. He went back to the fridge and fished out a bottle of ketchup and set it in front of Danny with a smile. “Did I forget anything?”

“No, it’s perfect,” Danny said.

Robert’s satisfied smile stayed on as he sat down next to him. He asked, “You slept okay?”

“Yeah,” Danny replied. “Not sure why I slept so long.”

Robert shrugged. “We were up late.”

Robert told Danny about the book he was reading, and it surprised Danny. Usually he wasn’t eager to fill the silence between him, and it wasn’t that the book was particularly important either. It was just some gay smut novel, and what Danny really wanted to know - when did Brian and Robert start exchanging erotic novels - wasn’t something that Robert disclosed. It wasn’t like Robert to nervously fill the silence like this.

When Danny finished his meal, Robert took his plate away and then leaned on the counter. He just watched Danny for a moment, his dark eyes burrowing into him. Danny was used to it by now, and he cleaned off his fingers and mouth on a napkin. 

It all spilled out at once. Robert told Danny everything about his family and his relationship with his daughter that he was trying to repair. He started to tear up at one point, and when Danny stood up to physically comfort him, Robert lightly touched his arm. He said, “Don’t - if I start, I won’t be able to stop.”

So Danny sat back down and he waited as Robert finished off filling in the blanks. Robert moved Danny’s chair so Robert could pull another chair in front of him to face him. Tears hung in his eyes. Danny wanted nothing more than to hold him. Robert didn’t say anything immediately, and Danny lightly touched the back of Robert’s hand. Robert smiled weakly and turned his hand over to hold Danny’s.

Robert rubbed the back of his head and said, “I just - I need you to hear this, okay?”

Danny nodded.

“I’m old, and I’m still a work-in-progress. I have a long way to go to be the person I want to be, and I don’t want you to try to fix me, but I do want you. I’ll want help from time to time, someone to tell me off when I’m being bull-headed and someone I can talk to when I need a sounding board.”

Robert leaned forward as he continued, “And I know you’re going to need me, Danny. When your girl leaves, you’re going to need a lot of support, and I want to give it to you-”

Danny started tearing up, “Robert, I swear to god if you’re breaking up with me again-”

“No, no,” Robert said, cupping Danny’s cheeks in his heads. “No, I’m just trying to say - I want to be that person, and I want you to be that person for me. I just - I need you to hear that I’m not perfect, that I come with a lot of baggage and it’s pretty much a guarantee that I’m going to fuck up along the way.

“But I want you there. I want you with me while I try to get my life back on track, and I’m not good enough for you, Danny, and in some ways I’m really bad for you.”

Danny tried to stop him, “No - no, that’s not true-”

“-And there’s no guarantee that I’ll be good enough for you when I finally do get my shit together, but Christ Danny, I’ll try so fucking hard to be what you need. I don’t want you to go through anything alone again.”

Danny was already crying and it caused Robert’s watering eyes to finally spill over. He thought about how hard it was for Robert to say all of this – to strip himself bare and unpack all his baggage just for him. They’d danced around it enough times that Danny hadn’t expected Robert to just say it. Danny said, “I still want this. You didn’t need to say all of this.”

Robert nodded, “Yeah, yeah I did, Danny.”

Danny shook his head and tried to wipe one of his eyes with the heel of his hand, but the tears kept coming. “I’m not perfect either-”

Robert pushed his chair aside to awkwardly hug Danny while he sat. He kissed the side of Danny’s face and gently pressed his face into his shoulder. Robert gave him a good squeeze. “I know, I know. I didn’t mean to put you on a pedestal. I just - I don’t want to keep anything from you anymore, and I didn’t want you to think I needed you to fix me, but I also don’t want to keep space between us.”

“I know, it’s okay,” Danny said. “You know I’m going to be work too.”

Robert smiled against him. They held each other for a moment, both trying to stop their tears. Robert drew away slightly and kneeled in front of Danny. He said, “Look at us, a pair of blubbering old fools.”

“It just shows how good we are for each other,” Danny said.

Robert laughed softly and tried to wipe his eyes on his shirt. Danny said, “I just have one question.”

Robert was a little hesitant. He said, “Shoot.”

Danny moved to kneel on the ground with him and wrapped his arms around Robert. He felt a little bad for how nervous Robert looked. Danny asked, “How do I join this secret book club you and Brian are running?”

Robert laughed, and Danny grinned at the sight. He squeezed Robert and Robert pecked his lips.

**Author's Note:**

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